Valentine's Day

 

   Today is Valentine’s Day. It happened to be rather spiritual. Not that I tried hard, but it’s true: problems bring you closer to Krishna. When there is no other shelter, you kind of don’t have a choice. He seem to be the only person, who can give relief.
    The last couple of weeks were bit stressful. Few things piled up. I found out that I have to leave the apartment, because landlady wants it back. I’m broke, so it wasn’t easy to find a place. London isn’t the cheapest. But we found a cool flat (we-Petra and I. We decided to stick together as roommates and friends for a while). It’s a property guardian deal. We stay in an old laundry, huge place, like a warehouse, with few other people, we pay reasonable rent and we are able to stay in a big space, lovely area, by the canal (Kensal Green), close to the centre and only 15 minutes bicycle ride from my work, and we help to keep the place nice and free of squatters.
   So that worked for us, though still we have to borrow money for the next month’s rent. Yesterday and today, we’ve decorated rooms with some Indian rugs, Christmas lights, and blankets to make it cosy. We were lucky to receive free matterace and heater from an old, black lady who lives in the neighbourhood and wanted to get rid of some stuff. In the basement of the Laundry (as I’m going to call our new house) we found a desk, some odd chairs, and few other pieces. So now the flat looks like a home (Gypsy home).
   Another stressing thing is my knee. I had a long walk couple of weeks ago and since then the knee gives me troubles. I was hoping it would get better with time, but two weeks passed and it hasn’t improved. Timing couldn’t be worse. Petra still hasn’t got a job, I’m working through agency, so don’t get paid when sick, and on top of that I got interview last Friday (got the job), but I can’t start new position from taking time off.
   In other words it is a bit of a mess.
   But on the other hand I seemed to be ok, not touched too much. I chant every day, listen to Swami’s talks, try to channel my emotions to Krishna. I feel lonely, miss love I was getting in my marriage, but the times it was overwhelming me completely are gone. I’m able to look from some distance at it all, and when longing and loneliness hit, I turn to prayer or Swami’s lectures, and it helps.
    I started with Valentines day. So after cooking and sorting out the room, I played Swami’s lecture. Petra listened with me. She needed some help with terminology and Sanskrit, and I was more then happy to help. Then we had a little chat. I admitted to her that though I like Guru Maharaja’s clear, objective and straightforward message, sometimes, during vulnerable moments, I feel like I need something warmer, cuddly, making me feel loved now, as I am, not in the distant future, when I’ll have managed to purify myself and developed mature bhakti. Petra said that she liked the lecture, she felt more balanced after listening straight philosophy. Then she suggested that we listen to Sacinandana Maharaja’s talk. I like him, I think he’s the only Iskcon guru that I feel comfortable to listen to, so I agreed. First we chanted a round together, then we listened to him. It was a nice, simple talk, about how good position, money, happy relationships, education makes us proud and he compared it to negative numbers. When all these things are gone in devotee’s life, he’s getting closer to zero, which means understanding his helpless position. And from that point he can go to positive numbers: real bhakti. It reminded me the analogy Swami often uses, also about positive and negative numbers, though he uses it differently.
   Yes, Swami may seem at times difficult to take. He’s not trying to make things prettier then they are, he’s not patting his students on the back, and he doesn’t make motivational talks. He speaks straight, describing things as they are, he’s not aiming for “feel good” message. It’s not his style. But I wouldn’t change it for anything. Because firstly, I like to know the truth, however unpalatable, I don’t like to be handled like a child. I like it this way: “That is material world, this is Krishna, and that’s where you are” And secondly: at times he may be rough, talking about our position on spiritual path, but then he starts to speak about Krishna, Radha, Lord Chaitanya, Nityananda, Vaisnavas, and then his eyes shine with emotions and this feeling is contagious. He creates in my heart spiritual longing. He makes me think: I want to be there. I want to free myself from self-centredness, and love Krishna and Vaisnavas as he does.

Samsara Dreams

 

   It's been few weeks since I started to follow my sadhana again. I don't drink for almost two weeks. Alcohol became my escape from saddness after the divorce. It served me well for a while, but it didn't allow me to move on, what to speak about getting some steadiness in my spiritual practice. So now I try to go on without it, facing reality as it is. It's easier then I thought, but I wouldn't be able to do it without help from the higher source.
   Every morning, before going to work, I chant on beads one round of Gopal mantra, one round of maha mantra and my diksa mantras. Afterwords I pray to Lord Chaitanya for bhakti, peace and love for me and my family and friends. Then I read from Swami's book (I'm almost finished with Sacred Preface) and cycle to work. Cycling takes me about half an hour one way. I put Swami's lecture on my mp3 player and slalom between buses, trucks and cars to the school I work in. On the way back usually I manage to finish the lecture I started in the morning.
   It's a nice frame of the day.
   I feel that the more I listen to Guru Maharaja and pray, the more my mind and heart clear of clouds. It's been three years since I plunged into despair after losing Saragrahi. I thought that I wouldn't be able to get myself out of this attachment, to put together broken pieces of my heart, but it's happening. The love I experienced slowly becomes a dream from a past life. All this makes me sad, but at the same time I get this philosophical insight into the nature of material life. It's all a dream. Dream of love, betreyal, seperation, despair, joy and sadness. Poor, lost jiva swims on its waves, looking for happiness in the world of time and mirage, forgetting that she's a timeless, consciouss spark of eternal love.
   Today, when I cycled through London, after pretty hard day at work, Swami was talking about Goloka and love. Suddenly I felt very free, light and amazed. I felt that freedom is just there, waiting to be grasped. Freedom to choose Guru Maharaja and Krishna.
   My plan is to stay in London till summer, put some money aside and then, when the summer holiday starts, go to Madhuvan. And then I will see. Either I come back to London in September, to carry on with my job in school, or I stay in Costa Rica. My heart longs for monastic life, under protection of Swami, but I don't know if I'm ready, if my inspiration will last. My bhakti isn't very strong, I get easly distracted. But I'm trying slowly to get there. Dreaming about nistha:)

    The drawing above.  I called this one Samsara Dreams. A devotee chants her rounds, next to a little altar, and as her bhakti sprouts in the heart, the old lives, samskaras, things held dear once, fade away, like a distant dream.

A dry day

    I decided to revive my devotional blog. The truth is the inspiration after meeting Guru Maharaja is wearing off pretty fast. This writing could help me stay connected with bhakti little bit more. It helped before. Though I’m frustrated with my unsteadiness and lack of spiritual taste, still, meeting and listening to Swami, and also company of my spiritual family made me hopeful. Guru Maharaja gave me an instruction about my sadhana and I feel I’m able to adhere to it, even if the rest of my practice will be shaky. I’ll try to hold on to it and hope that with time things will get easier.
   So it’s my last week in Poland. On Monday I’m going back to London. I need to earn some money and that’s easier in England. It will give me some focus too. I’m actually excited about going back. In spite of its downsides I like London. I’m a village boy, who, after spending half of his life in the countryside, actually prefers big cities now. I like the crowds, long walks through old streets, cultural and ethnical variety. So yes, next week a new adventure starts. I’ve already got a job interview scheduled. I wrote to the same agency I used to work before and they are willing to take me back.

   List on a dry day:

   1. Today I cycled to town. I went to the post office to send to Saragrahi CDs with all the pictures from the retreat. She wants to print some and according to her the ones on line are processed too heavily. I attached to the CDs three of my drawings, one for Saragrahi, one for Radha and one for Bhrigu.
   Actually I miss writing and sending letters. In the old days, even ten years ago I had this habit of keeping correspondence with friends and family. Saragrahi and I used to send letters all the time, especially that we travelled a lot. When I moved out of the temple, my brahmacari friends, particularly Atma Nivedanam, used to send me parcels. There were letters, notes from the lectures, pictures of deities, even temple bread:) It was very sweet.
   2. While I was chopping wood today (Winter is Coming!), I listened to Swami’s lecture from the last Gopastami. It’s a celebration of the day when Krishna becomes a qualified cowherd boy (before he was herding calves, being too young to deal with cows). I like to listen, when Guru Maharaja mixes so skillfully siddhanta and emotion.
   3, Recently I’ve got a book of some Gaudiya Vaisnava swami from India. Very sweet, but there was just emotion, no philosophy, and immediately I got wary. I feel that Swami sets a very high standard and therefore it’s difficult for me to listen from someone else. It’s easier even to read Thomas Merton (because I know where he stands and what he offers) then some Vaisnava, who I don’t completely trust.
   4. Finally I started to read Sri Brhad Bhagavatamrta. I was always postponing it for some reason, but after the last retreat, I got inspired.
   5. I’m so dry today. Watching Star Trek (TNG) and eating. Need some action and company.

Step by Step

    It’s a completely subjective account of the festival. Because of that you may find that I omitted some events or haven’t given justice to a service of some devotees. Please, don’t feel bad or offended because of that. I appreciate presence and involvement of all my brothers and sisters, by whose actions this festival could happen at all. 

Step by Step
Swami B.V. Tripurari retreat
Poland, August 2016

sadhu-sanga-krpa kimva krsnera krpaya
kamadi ‘duhsanga’ chadi suddha-bhakti paya
                                           CC Madhya 24.97

   One is elevated to the platform of bhakti by the mercy of sadhu-sanga (Sri Guru and Vaisnavas), and by the special mercy of Krsna. By their mercy one gives up all material desires and all unfavorable association and is thus elevated to the platform of pure bhakti.


1

   It’s been four long years since I saw Swami last. Many things happened on the way. Painful ones but definitely full of lessons. Only if I was ready to see them as such. And I still wasn’t sure if I was.
   Should I go or should I stay? I made a little list in my confused head.
   Cons:
   1. I will have to stand in front of guru maharaja and explain all the mess.
   2. I will have to face my failed marriage.
   3. I will be have to swallow my pride before my whole spiritual family.
   Pros:
   1. I will have to stand in front of guru maharaja and get charged with inspiration.
   2. I will have to face my failed marriage and move on at last.
   3. I will be have to swallow my pride before my whole spiritual family and finally get it over with.
   What a hell, let’s go!

   Premarnava picked me up in Bielsko Biała. I exchanged hugs with Nityangi and Nitya-lila, stuffed my backpack in the trunk and off we went. We had about five hours of drive ahead of us.
  I always felt at ease in the company of Prema and Nityangi, we knew each other for a very long time. With Prema basically we joined Krishna consciousness together, we were both affiliated with Iskcon and then we had a good fortune of meeting Swami. We  witnessed each other’s ups and downs for about twenty years. I knew Nityangi for about the same time. With Nitya-lila I met only once before, but I liked her straight away. Very modest, lovely girl, with cool sense of humor.
   Our mood was excited. Prema put on some house music. Mixing spiritual talks with our usual friendly prajalpa we got to Jelenia Góra, where we spent the night in the hostel. After the night of a nervous sleep we continue our journey and arrived in Biały Dom (White House) before noon. We were the first ones.

   Before festival list:
   1. Last weeks and months preparing for the retreat: reading sastras, chanting more regularly, trying to give up or at least limit bad habits, which had grown all over me like a moss.
   2. Few months cycling in the mountains with Swami’s lectures on mp3. Nothing better then going down the hill with full speed for ten – fifteen kilometers, and hearing about Lord Caitanya’s reasons to come to this world. 
   3. Trying to quit electronic cigarettes. To no avail.
   4. Studying eleventh canto of Srimad Bhagavatam with commentaries by Srila Visvanatha Cakravarti Thakura and so much finding Swami in it.

   After arriving I pitched my tent in the bushes. I would prefer to stay in a dry, warm room with some company, but as usually I was completely broke, couldn’t afford a room. On the other hand I enjoy my privacy too, so I couldn’t really complain. The soil was dump and overgrown with weeds but I managed to make myself comfy.
   I admit I felt stressed. I haven’t seen guru maharaja for few years, I almost forgot what to expect. Also it was the first time since the divorce that I was about to meet with Saragrahi and her new family.
   I knew I could be useful in the kitchen but I needed to stay alone and get ready. I crawled into the sleeping bag and started to read Steven King’s “Dallas’63” to chill out (unsuccessfully).
   Then I heard them coming. I went out, nervous as hell, and I did it. It was much easier then I thought. Bhrigu and his daughter were standing on the parking lot. We hugged and exchanged some pleasantries. I was really happy to see him. In the past retreats we always hanged out together and I missed his mature and relaxed presence. Saragrahi was already in the kitchen. It was very emotional moment for both of us, but very sweet too.
   So that was done and I could focus on the festival now.

  I can’t remember what the first lecture was about. I was considering making notes, but on the other hand I wanted to be present in the moment. It was good to see and hear guru maharaja again. I sat in the front of the crowd, which was always my habit: to be closer to him and also to make myself more visible. “Here I am, guru maharaja, your useless disciple, not so bold in your presence.”
   When the lecture finished I approached Swami.
   - Hare Krishna, guru maharaja. Will you have time to talk to me later?
   Swami nodded with smile.
   - That’s what I came for.
   I wanted to talk in general about my situation and the desire to stay some time in Madhuvan. Also I wanted to ask if I could hear my mantras again, since I wasn’t looking well after them for the last few years. I think I heard guru maharaja to say once that it was an option.
   Then I sang Gaura-arati, which I had completely forgotten, had to help myself with the song book. I was so nervous that I almost forgot panca tattva mantra. While desperately trying to remember what goes after “prabhu Nityananda” I thought in anguish what the devotees would think about me now. Fortunately after picturing panca tattva in my head, Advaita, Gadadhara and Srivasa found a way through my shrank brain.

  











    Gopa Kumara list:
   1. Story of Gopa Kumara will always be my favorite. When guru maharaja tells it (and I heard it from him many times), I can’t help tears coming to my eyes. This time it wasn’t different. When he tells it, it doesn’t feel like a story. Swami’s eyes shine, big smile comes to his face, it’s ever fresh and exciting to him.
   2. Gopa Kumar, or rather Sarupa finds out that he’s in Radharani’s camp. One day she calls him and sends him to Earth to pick up some devotee and bring him to her. That is mind blowing. I’m sitting there and thinking about spiritual samskaras and I hope this one will imprint on me for good.
   3. After the lecture, Premarnava comes to me, his eyes dump and shiny. “Man, it really moved me” says he. “I haven’t feel anything like this for ages”. “I know” I answer. “We are so bloody fortunate, can you imagine that?” he says. Nothing to add to that.

2

   After the morning program Madhu Pandit came to me and said that guru maharaja wanted to go for a walk with me and to show him where he could use wi-fi (the place we were staying didn’t have any internet).
   I couldn’t believe my luck. Only the second day of the festival and I get that! I rushed to Swami’s room. He handed me his laptop to carry and led the way.
   We went up the hill. It was sunny morning, we were surrounded by green mountains, smell of Polish late summer (freshly cut grass, moist earth and fallen leaves).
   “So what’s up with you, Kalpataru?”
   I didn’t know where to start. I explained my personal situation in some detail. Guru maharaja was serious and serene. He approved my idea of spending some time in Madhuvan. He said it would be good for my spiritual life and that I shouldn’t be afraid, it isn’t like Iskcon ashrama. About a week ago I told him in a letter that I was scared of losing independence, so I guess he was pacifying me in this way.
   After he checked his email, on the way back, I got bit brave (or bold).
   “Guru maharaja, I don’t know if it is an appropriate question, but I would like to ask you something. We are struggling here with our samskaras, desires. We are anxious, we make bad decisions, we suffer its effects, we are never happy or peaceful. Please, could you tell me, how is it to be on the other side of the trouble? How does it feel to be free of all of it?”
   I felt that maybe it was an overkill and I blushed, cursing myself for being an nosey idiot. However guru maharaja didn’t seem to be bothered. He smiled and stayed quiet for a while.
   “You know there are many things. One thing is compassion. You see what people go through and you are very sorry for them. Another thing is that you have to learn some relativity. I mean, I can see what could help someone. I look at some devotee and I clearly see what could really help him or her. But in most cases I see that they are not ready to accept what I have to say, so I need to leave it.”
    He became quiet again. We walked for maybe a minute and then he said:
   “Relief. But… It’s not just relief. It’s so, so much more”.

3

   As usually kitchen was the coolest, funniest place. Head chefs were Nityangi and Hari Prasad, but there were others too, especially Nitya Lila, Saragrahi, Mayapurcandra, Bhagyavati, Udharani, also Gokulacandra and Anadi Krsna cooking for our Swami and Ashram maharaja. I was visiting them often. Sometimes helping (not that much), sometimes cooking (once- but my caramel lemon peel halava came delicious:), and mostly just chatting with people.

  I have to say that prasadam was delicious. There was basically a feast twice a day, followed by a late supper, which I had to skip, because usually after a ten course dinner I wasn’t able to eat anything till the next morning. It seemed that Nityangi and Hari Prasad were having a competition who would win devotees’ tongues. It was amazing. Samosas, korma, different kinds of subjis, cakes, dahls, soups, salads, pickles and what not. One day Mayapurcandra and Bhagyavati made pizzas for everyone. I was afraid there wouldn’t be enough but eventually I got three and almost died.

4

   I was happy to finally meet Swami B.A. Ashram maharaja. I followed his posts on internet for few years and I was appreciating his relaxed, friendly nature, bereft of aisvarya often seen in sannyasis. Nothing wrong with aisvarya, but it scares me at times.
   We had few opportunities to chat during the meals. One night he shared with us how he became a sannyasi and also how he feels about it. It was genuinely straightforward and humble. The next day someone asked him during Q and A session to tell us what sannyasa means for him and he elaborated more. He made it clear that his marriage was successful and Krishna conscious. I imagined how difficult it must have been to leave loving wife, home and giving this all up, becoming wandering sannyasi, depending fully on Krishna. Such a sacrifice. It scared me to even think about it. Maharaja said that one of the reasons he did it, was to show us that it was possible. At that moment I felt gratitude. Is it possible that one day I could get there? Seems unlikely, with all the luggage I carry, but on the other hand I feel that I can’t limit the mercy of Guru, Vaisnavas and bhakti.

 So it happened that Ashram maharaja had birthday. Bhagyavati made a cake (amazing cake, I think I never had a better one. Creamy but light, fruity, moist, with coconut cream, blueberries. I’m dribbling all over keyboard, writing this).
   First guru maharaja made a little speech in appreciation of Ashram maharaja, who was sitting and looking down in humility. It was very sweet and inspiring. Then we all sang “Hare Krishna to you”, accompanied by ukulele (Mayapurcandra and Anadi Krsna made sure the music was high quality) and then Madhupandit came with the cake. We all went to the dining room, where cake was distributed. I have to admit that I was properly in maya. Looking at the small size of the cake and the number of devotees assembled I almost cried. Bhrigu was distributing plates with small pieces. In my greedy dubiousness I was passing the plates further along. It looked as if I was serving, but the truth was I was sending away the small pieces, waiting for a big one, that I would keep. I cheated myself, because the pieces kept getting smaller and smaller, and finally I settled with a little bite, afraid that otherwise I might not get any.
   Maharajas loved the cake too, you could see how they enjoyed. It was a very special moment.

   Special list:
   1. Morning programs with guru maharaja. In the past retreats I was participating in, Swami wasn’t coming for the kirtans, so now for me it was a new experience. I was observing how he focuses on the songs, full of emotions and energy. Swami seemed so youthful. I liked when we were sitting for a bhajan and he signaled to us to come closer and closer. It made a very intimate mood. 
   2. Here again I was thinking about the spiritual samskaras we collect from a guru. I feel the limitation of my vision, but I understand that the imprints from spiritual master go through the coverings and eventually will give us realization.  
   3. Every morning guru maharaja was reading for us from Sacred Preface. He was picking a random page and read few paragraphs. I noticed how he touched the book to his forehead with respect. I realized then, that he doesn’t see it as his book, but Krishna’s.  
   4. On the last day, something I never thought before hit me hard. Swami said in the lecture that he follows Srila Prabhupada externally and internally. And then I remembered the energy and colorfulness with which he always talks about priyanarma sakhas. 

5

   I was wandering if I should talk about my last darshan with guru maharaja. It is said that some things should be kept private. On the other hand I have this desire to share with others. I know how it helps me to read journals and personal accounts of Vaisnavas, I think that mine can help someone too. I’m still trying to find a balance between the two sides: introvertic and extrovertic. I will say just few words.
   After the last evening lecture, on Friday, I approached Swami and reminded him about hearing my diksa mantras again. He told me to come the next morning.
   After morning program on Saturday I went up and I started to pace in front of guru maharaja’s door, chanting (and thinking). My heart felt heavy. I’m asking guru maharaja to tell me my mantras again, but am I fit? Am I going to follow the principles from now on? Sure? What about my rounds? With every minute I felt worse.

   When finally Swami called me in, I paid obeisance and told him what bothered me. That I don’t want to be a hypocrite, I’m not following fully with the number of rounds or regulative principles. I try to improve, and want to do some service, but I’m not steady in my practice.
   Guru maharaja’s reaction was very calm and sober. He smiled. I imagined how he must see me: like a small, silly child, who tries.
   “It’s ok, it’s a step by step thing. Just try your best and gradually you will get better. And with time try to chant more.” And then he gave me some personal instruction to follow.
   I felt so relieved.
   Then he showed me to come closer and he whispered mantras into my ear. I paid dandavats and left. That was the last I saw him.

 



















   The last list:
   1. Radha, Bhrigu’s daughter - I adore that kid. Every time I was around her, I felt that my child's side was coming out and I played with her all kind of silly games. I even did for her my monkey dance publicly, which until then only few (un)fortunate souls witnessed. I think that Bhrigu must have got annoyed with me, for encouraging her to be naughty, but I didn’t mind to be “the cool ex-husband of my new mum”:)
   2. One day the whole bunch of us went to a big swimming pool. We waited for about an hour in a queue, but it was totally worth it. I almost drowned, because I ignored a sign on one of the rides that said “only for people who can swim”. The guard had to pull me out of the deep water (when I say deep, I mean 180 cm). It was equally scary and embarrassing. But the best moment was when maybe ten of us started to play tag in a circular pool with a strong current. Basically we took over the whole pool and indulged in madness in front of condemning eyes of general public. I think we did it for about forty minutes. I don’t know why we didn’t get thrown out. Then Bhrigu and me enjoyed sauna, though I enjoyed more, and Bhrigu just kept saying how sauna is much better in Finland. Which I’m sure it is:)
   3. Talking with Ashram Maharaja I told him that when I started to listen to guru maharaja I felt that he’s Noam Chomsky of Gaudiya Vaisnavism. The same kind of calmness but fire as well, intelligence, charisma. Ashram maharaja agreed with me.
   4. On the last day Hari Prasad and I did a psychedelic devotional jam session, while Karanam, Rasana and their kids were packing their stalls. Pity I’m going back to UK, I would love to spend some time with him in Krakow (he’s looking for a co-chef in his new restaurant, and he wants someone from our sanga, so think about it:)
   5. Little thought. It is very difficult for me to make new relationships. Usually I stay on the side, interacting with devotees I already know and I’m tuned with. And I’m avoiding some. But on the last day, seeing all of our family together, singing bhajan, I felt deep inside, how nice is to be together, circling around Swami. He connects us on such a deep level.
   6. The way back was a happy/sad experience. Kam Bijay joined us in the car. All of us were tired. Nityangi tried to sleep, Nitya-lila sitted quietly (which she often does), Kam Bijay chanted softly, Prema tried not to wake up Nityangi, so he stayed quiet too.
   I was very happy to be there, I didn’t want the ride to finish. I knew that it would mean the end of the festival, this time for real.
   I hope to carry it with me, until the next one.

*Photos by the courtesy of Premarnava das and Hari Prasad das

O Grace, where art thou

   

   















     Today I exchanged few words with my godsister. The topic was grace coming to us from above. She very nicely presented her sentiment in a poem, I will let myself to share it here, it’s beautiful:

To come across a friend of the soul

is the reassurance

of ten thousand loving arms

wrapping themselves around you.

     It made me realize that I don’t feel it in my life. I dream about it, have longing for it, imagine how it would be, even try to stimulate this sentiment by telling myself how lucky I am, to find Krishna consciousness, Guru Maharaja, etc. But deep inside I feel like a beggar, petitioning God to give me that experience (to no avail). Sometimes I’m challenging him. “I did enough. Now is your turn – prove your love. Why the burden of proving it should be laying only on my side?” I know – we are baddha jivas, the love is not our right, it’s a gift, we need to attract Krishna, anukulyena krsnanu, etc. But this is philosophical knowledge for me. Deep down inside I feel unfairly bereft of God’s grace, I feel like a lonely, lost, orphaned soul thrown into the cold ocean of the Universe.

     I envision loving, personal God, because without this idea the emptiness of the world would be very difficult to bear, if not impossible. I’m attached to Gaudiya Vaisnavism, because it makes very convincing case for this dream of mine (loving, personal God, eternal spiritual home), but I lack the experience. I’m not talking now about experience of my spiritual nature, I know I’m not the matter. I’m talking about the direct experience of God’s grace filling up my heart. To feel “ten thousand loving arms wrapping themselves around me”, as Tadiya put it nicely.

     I wish it came some day. There is something optimistic in all that (don’t think that I’m just being depressed here:). As I get to a certain age, it becomes more clear to me what are my deepest dreams and desires. And because of that I start to know what’s important, and also I have something to look forward. The grace must come at some point. It’s like waiting for Christmas.

Spiritual apathy, creativity and the big news at last!

 

    1. Last week experiencing spiritual apathy. It happens from time to time, and I feel that when it hits, I just have to wait it through, trying not to get too neurotic about it. It’s like Krishna, chanting and all, loses its charm, it feels empty, dry and pretty indifferent. Especially when the outside situation is bit stressful, then sadhana feels like an extra burden. It should feel like a shelter, but it hardly does. So anyhow I haven’t chanted for few days. Today, when the clouds of ennui dispersed a little, I managed my rounds and gayatri.

     2. On Wednesday I recorded a song. It’s just that when I’m really down, feeling that my self-esteem, sense of worth is almost non-existing, I try to do something creative. Sometimes it’s a drawing, maybe a poem, but at times I write and record songs. I like this medium very much. Making music and lyrics feels very tangible, solid, and often it has much more impact on others then for example a drawing. I guess it helps me to burst up the image of myself that I’m holding and which frankly speaking burdens me a lot. In therapy I discovered that it all comes from my unhappy childhood and lack of appreciation from my authority figure, but to be honest to be aware of that doesn’t really make a difference. I need to solve (accept) it now. The past is gone. The song is very lighthearted and playful -  it’s about love, dreams, my girl and about refusing to participate in the madness of this world.

     3. And the big news. Tomorrow is my first day in new job! My agency is sending me to a learning difficulties college, as a teaching assistant. It’s not too far from my place, maybe forty five minutes on the bus, the money isn’t too bad, the hours are cool – finishing at 4PM, which is perfect. If school authorities like me, they will take me for the whole year. So let’s hope they do. Having this job means that in a few weeks I’d be able to rent a room in a shared house (can’t expect to get a flat right now, it’s crazy expensive in London) and bring Saragrahi here, so in turn she will look for job. Hope it works out.

     4. Going to the city in a while, to the Sunday feast at Soho.

Sunday feast, rats, bitterness and stuff

     1. I’ve just came from the Soho temple. I went to the Sunday feast, to have darshan of the deities, spend some time with Vaisnavas. I stayed for the class. I was bit sorry to listen to it. Very watered down, tasteless, more of some cultural or moral Sunday school kind of a sermon, not Gaudiya Vaisnava philosophy. I understand it’s a Sunday class, so it’s suppose to be general, but I don’t talk about elevated rasika topics or anything like that. The basic talk can be deep too. I think it’s a general problem of Iskcon. There are not many good lecturers, who’d know GV siddhanta and know how to present it in an interesting, charming way. It’s pity. The older devotees should go deep into different sastras and travel to different temples and do seminars. To take for example Jaiva Dharma. This book alone could give material for years of seminars. Then Brhad Bhagavatamrta for example. Or studying Bhagavatam commentary by Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur. I feel little bit hypocritical, because I don’t do lectures myself, but I try to study, to get deeper into it and I feel that because of listening to Swami and reading his and Sridhara Maharaja’s books alone I can stand ground in GV theology quite well. The good side of today experience in Soho is that it got me inspired to study more carefully. I don’t want my presentation of Krishna consciousness be ever like that.

     2. Sometimes when I look through the window I see rats looking at me with curiosity. I wander if they do that now, in the evening, when I can’t see them. In any case I don’t leave windows open when I go out. I don’t want to have visitors. Some time in the future, when I get sorted out, with career, money, apartment, Saragrahi coming here, maybe with some extra education, I’ll be laughing at those beginnings, but right now sometimes I go through the moments of despair lightened fortunately by bits of black humor.

     3. Yesterday I applied to another homeless shelter, for the support worker position. So it’s three now. The closing dates are somewhere in September, so only then I will know if I’ll have got shortlisted for the interview in any of them. My dream at the moment – to get this job, preferably in the shelter offering 21K a year (one of these three does), and then get to some University and do social work degree. In three years I can have bachelor. But this is a dream. Right now I have more burning issues. Not to get my underwear eaten by rats or to have fruitful dumpster diving eve:)

     4. This morning I had pretty good rounds. Usually I just force myself to chant, and often it’s dry, tasteless. But this morning I felt relaxed, “full” in some sense, I mean my emotions were serenity, peace, and feeling that Krishna is close. It’s so rare that I really tried to relish it, to remember it, to keep me going later, when things are “back to normal”.

     5. I feel bitter tonight. Impatient, bit angry (at the fate), anxious, lonely. I guess it can be seen here. I was considering not to write anything, but I want to be in touch (with myself and the readers, if any).