It's been few weeks since I started to follow my sadhana again. I don't drink for almost two weeks. Alcohol became my escape from saddness after the divorce. It served me well for a while, but it didn't allow me to move on, what to speak about getting some steadiness in my spiritual practice. So now I try to go on without it, facing reality as it is. It's easier then I thought, but I wouldn't be able to do it without help from the higher source.
Every morning, before going to work, I chant on beads one round of Gopal mantra, one round of maha mantra and my diksa mantras. Afterwords I pray to Lord Chaitanya for bhakti, peace and love for me and my family and friends. Then I read from Swami's book (I'm almost finished with Sacred Preface) and cycle to work. Cycling takes me about half an hour one way. I put Swami's lecture on my mp3 player and slalom between buses, trucks and cars to the school I work in. On the way back usually I manage to finish the lecture I started in the morning.
It's a nice frame of the day.
I feel that the more I listen to Guru Maharaja and pray, the more my mind and heart clear of clouds. It's been three years since I plunged into despair after losing Saragrahi. I thought that I wouldn't be able to get myself out of this attachment, to put together broken pieces of my heart, but it's happening. The love I experienced slowly becomes a dream from a past life. All this makes me sad, but at the same time I get this philosophical insight into the nature of material life. It's all a dream. Dream of love, betreyal, seperation, despair, joy and sadness. Poor, lost jiva swims on its waves, looking for happiness in the world of time and mirage, forgetting that she's a timeless, consciouss spark of eternal love.
Today, when I cycled through London, after pretty hard day at work, Swami was talking about Goloka and love. Suddenly I felt very free, light and amazed. I felt that freedom is just there, waiting to be grasped. Freedom to choose Guru Maharaja and Krishna.
My plan is to stay in London till summer, put some money aside and then, when the summer holiday starts, go to Madhuvan. And then I will see. Either I come back to London in September, to carry on with my job in school, or I stay in Costa Rica. My heart longs for monastic life, under protection of Swami, but I don't know if I'm ready, if my inspiration will last. My bhakti isn't very strong, I get easly distracted. But I'm trying slowly to get there. Dreaming about nistha:)
The drawing above. I called this one Samsara Dreams. A devotee chants her rounds, next to a little altar, and as her bhakti sprouts in the heart, the old lives, samskaras, things held dear once, fade away, like a distant dream.
