O Grace, where art thou

   

   















     Today I exchanged few words with my godsister. The topic was grace coming to us from above. She very nicely presented her sentiment in a poem, I will let myself to share it here, it’s beautiful:

To come across a friend of the soul

is the reassurance

of ten thousand loving arms

wrapping themselves around you.

     It made me realize that I don’t feel it in my life. I dream about it, have longing for it, imagine how it would be, even try to stimulate this sentiment by telling myself how lucky I am, to find Krishna consciousness, Guru Maharaja, etc. But deep inside I feel like a beggar, petitioning God to give me that experience (to no avail). Sometimes I’m challenging him. “I did enough. Now is your turn – prove your love. Why the burden of proving it should be laying only on my side?” I know – we are baddha jivas, the love is not our right, it’s a gift, we need to attract Krishna, anukulyena krsnanu, etc. But this is philosophical knowledge for me. Deep down inside I feel unfairly bereft of God’s grace, I feel like a lonely, lost, orphaned soul thrown into the cold ocean of the Universe.

     I envision loving, personal God, because without this idea the emptiness of the world would be very difficult to bear, if not impossible. I’m attached to Gaudiya Vaisnavism, because it makes very convincing case for this dream of mine (loving, personal God, eternal spiritual home), but I lack the experience. I’m not talking now about experience of my spiritual nature, I know I’m not the matter. I’m talking about the direct experience of God’s grace filling up my heart. To feel “ten thousand loving arms wrapping themselves around me”, as Tadiya put it nicely.

     I wish it came some day. There is something optimistic in all that (don’t think that I’m just being depressed here:). As I get to a certain age, it becomes more clear to me what are my deepest dreams and desires. And because of that I start to know what’s important, and also I have something to look forward. The grace must come at some point. It’s like waiting for Christmas.

Spiritual apathy, creativity and the big news at last!

 

    1. Last week experiencing spiritual apathy. It happens from time to time, and I feel that when it hits, I just have to wait it through, trying not to get too neurotic about it. It’s like Krishna, chanting and all, loses its charm, it feels empty, dry and pretty indifferent. Especially when the outside situation is bit stressful, then sadhana feels like an extra burden. It should feel like a shelter, but it hardly does. So anyhow I haven’t chanted for few days. Today, when the clouds of ennui dispersed a little, I managed my rounds and gayatri.

     2. On Wednesday I recorded a song. It’s just that when I’m really down, feeling that my self-esteem, sense of worth is almost non-existing, I try to do something creative. Sometimes it’s a drawing, maybe a poem, but at times I write and record songs. I like this medium very much. Making music and lyrics feels very tangible, solid, and often it has much more impact on others then for example a drawing. I guess it helps me to burst up the image of myself that I’m holding and which frankly speaking burdens me a lot. In therapy I discovered that it all comes from my unhappy childhood and lack of appreciation from my authority figure, but to be honest to be aware of that doesn’t really make a difference. I need to solve (accept) it now. The past is gone. The song is very lighthearted and playful -  it’s about love, dreams, my girl and about refusing to participate in the madness of this world.

     3. And the big news. Tomorrow is my first day in new job! My agency is sending me to a learning difficulties college, as a teaching assistant. It’s not too far from my place, maybe forty five minutes on the bus, the money isn’t too bad, the hours are cool – finishing at 4PM, which is perfect. If school authorities like me, they will take me for the whole year. So let’s hope they do. Having this job means that in a few weeks I’d be able to rent a room in a shared house (can’t expect to get a flat right now, it’s crazy expensive in London) and bring Saragrahi here, so in turn she will look for job. Hope it works out.

     4. Going to the city in a while, to the Sunday feast at Soho.

Sunday feast, rats, bitterness and stuff

     1. I’ve just came from the Soho temple. I went to the Sunday feast, to have darshan of the deities, spend some time with Vaisnavas. I stayed for the class. I was bit sorry to listen to it. Very watered down, tasteless, more of some cultural or moral Sunday school kind of a sermon, not Gaudiya Vaisnava philosophy. I understand it’s a Sunday class, so it’s suppose to be general, but I don’t talk about elevated rasika topics or anything like that. The basic talk can be deep too. I think it’s a general problem of Iskcon. There are not many good lecturers, who’d know GV siddhanta and know how to present it in an interesting, charming way. It’s pity. The older devotees should go deep into different sastras and travel to different temples and do seminars. To take for example Jaiva Dharma. This book alone could give material for years of seminars. Then Brhad Bhagavatamrta for example. Or studying Bhagavatam commentary by Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur. I feel little bit hypocritical, because I don’t do lectures myself, but I try to study, to get deeper into it and I feel that because of listening to Swami and reading his and Sridhara Maharaja’s books alone I can stand ground in GV theology quite well. The good side of today experience in Soho is that it got me inspired to study more carefully. I don’t want my presentation of Krishna consciousness be ever like that.

     2. Sometimes when I look through the window I see rats looking at me with curiosity. I wander if they do that now, in the evening, when I can’t see them. In any case I don’t leave windows open when I go out. I don’t want to have visitors. Some time in the future, when I get sorted out, with career, money, apartment, Saragrahi coming here, maybe with some extra education, I’ll be laughing at those beginnings, but right now sometimes I go through the moments of despair lightened fortunately by bits of black humor.

     3. Yesterday I applied to another homeless shelter, for the support worker position. So it’s three now. The closing dates are somewhere in September, so only then I will know if I’ll have got shortlisted for the interview in any of them. My dream at the moment – to get this job, preferably in the shelter offering 21K a year (one of these three does), and then get to some University and do social work degree. In three years I can have bachelor. But this is a dream. Right now I have more burning issues. Not to get my underwear eaten by rats or to have fruitful dumpster diving eve:)

     4. This morning I had pretty good rounds. Usually I just force myself to chant, and often it’s dry, tasteless. But this morning I felt relaxed, “full” in some sense, I mean my emotions were serenity, peace, and feeling that Krishna is close. It’s so rare that I really tried to relish it, to remember it, to keep me going later, when things are “back to normal”.

     5. I feel bitter tonight. Impatient, bit angry (at the fate), anxious, lonely. I guess it can be seen here. I was considering not to write anything, but I want to be in touch (with myself and the readers, if any).

Janmasthami and after - a list

   

     1. Yesterday was Janmasthami. The day before I was planning to make this day special. To go to Soho temple, then to Sri Caitanya Saraswata Math, fast, chant extra rounds, focus on Krishna. But you know this feeling, when you get too enthusiastic, too “spiritual” and then you just can’t sustain it, and you drop hard? So that’s what happened. I went to Soho temple, but after few minutes I left. There were too many people, too much arranging, managing, organizing. So I just wandered aimlessly around London, glancing at girls. Ate falafel and noodles from a Chinese vendor that made me feel sick (noodles, not the vendor:). Then went home. Took me long time to fall asleep. And I kept thinking: “Krishna, do something. Get me sorted out. I’m so fed up.”

     2. This morning was pretty much the continuation of the yesterday blueness. I went to Sainsbury’s to get something sweet (bought Jaffa-cakes and mints). I got a scratch card too. I told Krishna, that £5000 would get me on my feet, and £10 000 would put me way ahead of the game. I enjoyed the faint dream only for a short while, didn’t win anything, so back to my debt-laden, impoverished, unemployed existence;)

     3. Eventually I focused on finishing the “Swami – a graphic poem” project. It took me a while. I listened to three of Swami’s talks to it. So it was then, when the lighting changed. The burdened feeling transformed into something light and nice. When I finished, I shared it with my godbrothers and godsisters. Their positive, welcoming reaction was very uplifting. I need to feel part of my family. It makes me happy and serene.

     4. Recently I’m experiencing pride of being a Gaudiya Vaisnava, or Guru Maharaja’s disciple. I mean pride in a good sense. The one that makes you grateful, I think.

     5. Tonight Jorge made a veggie stew and invited everyone. He’s a nice guy, Spaniard. Very sociable, wants to introduce to the squat the feeling of community, friendship. I like this kind of people. It was nice. We sat in the living room, ate the food (too spicy! my stomach is hurting:), and talked in Spanish. It reminded me old days, when I travelled around Europe, lived in weird places, meet all kind of people... Basically the same as now, but with the difference, that I enjoyed it then. I don’t like getting older. Just yesterday I looked at my grey hair and thought how fast it goes. And it got to me – it’s been three months away from Saragrahi, and I felt that it was stupid to be away, when our lives get shorter so fast. We should be together, live through it shoulder to shoulder.

     6. Listening to Chambao, “Pasta pa la costa”. Like that girl:)

     7. And another night has arrived. Night, night.

Swami - a graphic poem

Swami

One devotee asked another: „Could you, prabhu, tell me this:
Is your guru a pure Vaisnava, purely merged in Krishna’s bliss?”

“Does his voice choke when he’s chanting, does his hair stand on end?
Maybe if there’s no one around, does he cry, by prema rent?”

“In the night, when the world is sleeping, can he travel through space?
Like Narada Muni himself, can he fly to Krishna’s place?”

“There, on Vraja’s grazing lands, where the sakhya story strands,
Is he playing ball with Krishna? Is he laughing with his friends?”

“Or maybe even after dusk, she sneaks out through the open window,
And then in a grove by the riverside, she talks with gopi so and so?”

The queries ceased, the silence fell, they looked each other straight in the eye.
“So what you say? Please, don’t be shy. Is he a chrysalis or a butterfly?"

“I’m not silent, because I’m shy. Don’t take my wrong, I’m a stand-up guy.
I’ll answer straight – I just don’t know, but nevertheless, my best I’ll try.”

“Every time I meet my master, he speaks of Krishna, nothing else.
Is this a sign of siddha? Maybe. For me indeed, a lot it tells.”

“When I’m plunged into the darkness, which sometimes happens, I must say,
He’s there, to throw the life preserver, and  haul me back, to Krishna’s bay.”

“When I look at him and see, how much for Krishna does he live,
I see my prospects and like him I very much would like to be.”

“Then I look at sisters, brothers, the comrades on this superb path,
I see them shining, shining bright, with love and wisdom, what a sight!”

“So when you ask, how big is he, I cannot tell you, forgive me.
But I can give for sure this touch – if I only loved Krishna half that much...”

"I Carry What They Lack"

Swami BV Tripurari
23.07.2012, Czarnów, Poland

1 
The scratch on Krishna's head

     The question is, does Krishna maintain only his advanced devotees, and everybody else has to take care for themselves? (Swami laughs) There is a famous story surrounding the verse I cited from a ninth chapter.

Ananyas chintayanto mam ye janah paryupasate, 
tesham nityabhiyuktanam yoga-kshemam vahamy aham 
(Bg. 9.22)

     The story goes like this. Some of you may know it. There was a devotee, who was very much the devotee of Gita, who studied the Gita regularly, and meditated on every word, its meaning and so forth, as it’s recommended in the conclusion of the Gita, where Krishna says: “Those who study it with their intelligence”. And the benefits of such, fruits of such.

     Contemplating this verse, “yoga-kshemam vahamy aham”, which says “I carry what they lack and preserve what they have”, he thought, this must be wrong. This must be interpolation, where some word has been changed. Because the idea that Krishna will carry (vahamy) what the devotees need, can’t be, because he’s the supreme God. So he thought, that he [Krishna] will get it done. He changed it to karomi. Somehow through his agency, his energy, through his power, his expansion, something like that. So he scratched out the word vahamy and wrote karomi. Then he went out, as he would daily, to the market place, to beg for fruits, vegetables, rice, and so forth. He was a brahman, and he was very, very poor. He went, and he was not having much success.

     After some time, while he was still in the market, a young boy came to his home, with the bushel full of fruits, and grains, and vegetables, and so forth. The wife opened the door and said:
     “Who are you?”
     “Your husband sent me here with all these items for you to prepare lunch”.
     She was very charmed. She invited him in and took the foodstuffs. And then she noticed that he had a little scratch on his head.
     “Oh, you are so beautiful, how did that happen?”
     “Your husband did that, he hit me”.
     “How could he do that?!”.
     Then the boy left, she cooked, and the husband came home.
     “What are you cooking? Where did you get the food?”
     “The nice boy came, the one you sent here, and brought all the food. But why did you hit him?!”
     He said:
     “What are you talking about?”
     So he scratched his own head, thinking what’s going on. Then he went back to take shelter of the Gita, as he would, and there he saw that the word karomi, that he had written in, was crossed out, and the word vahami was written back in again. So he could understand that Krishna personally came, and when he scratched out the word, Krishna got a scratch on his head, it showed up in this way. So this story is told to make a point that Krishna actually personally takes care of his devotees. And we should not try to, as this gentleman did, to philosophize that point away.

2 
We will starve out heaven!

     But the question does arise, as you have asked, what kind of devotee does he do this for? Is it for all devotees? Or only very advanced devotees? I think that the teaching is, that for all devotees, and all devotees should think like this: Krishna will take care of me. Krishna will maintain me. Because actually this is the central hub of the angas, the limbs of śaranagati. And śaranagati, or surrender, submission, it corresponds with śraddha, or faith. Śaranagati is the outward expression of the internal reality of one’s faith. And faith is not the end of bhakti, but it is beginning of bhakti. When Krishna says in the Gita “sarva dharman parityajya, mam ekam śaranam vraja”, he’s talking about the beginning of bhakti. And he instructs: don’t take shelter of any other god or goddess, only me. “Sarva dharman parityajya”, you may take shelter of them only in relation to me. Take shelter of me alone.

     This has to be cultivated. This is the svarup laksan, the primary characteristic of śaranagati. We find it manifested in the Govardhana-lila. In the Govardhana-lila, the inhabitants of Vrindavan were pursuing their maintenance by way of petitioning Indra, and Krishna interfered with the yajna, and established himself as the maintainer, and demonstrated it practically by manifesting himself as Govardhana Hill, and teaching the devotees that Govardhana Hill is providing for devotees, so what do we need Indra for? And just see, I am the Govardhana Hill. And who is Indra in compare to me? He’s a small thing. He’s nothing. In that yajna and in the lila glorifying Govardhana, Krishna said: we will prepare food and feed Govardhana Hill, and then, after Govardhana is satisfied, we will feed everyone else. Everyone, all the bhramans, all the people, all the animals. Everyone, except him! He was pointing. Except this guy, Indra. We will starve out heaven! (Swami laughs) We will make heaven fast. Such is my position.

     As you know, in that lila, Krishna was given the name Govinda. Which means, among other things is Upendra, it’s the same meaning. Who is the lord of Indra. The God of the gods. Krishna established himself as such in this lila, before everybody. “I am the maintainer for my devotees. In Vrindavan I take care of everything for everyone, those who are surrendered to me”

     So this is not the point to be embraced only by advanced devotees, but by the beginning devotees as well. Of course at the same time we say, that advanced devotees don’t have any needs. So Krishna is of the hook (Swami laughs). He doesn't have to provide for them. They don’t have any needs. Of course the advanced devotees, they have the need to have union with Krishna. They are suffering the dark night of soul, and separation, and it is for them, that Krishna comes to the world. Just like there are always souls in this world under the influence of karma, always have been, always will be, so there are always sadhakas in the world also. Anadi sadhaka you can say (Swami laughs). It has some beginning but that one can be traced out (Swami laughs). (...) So he comes for the sadhakas, whose sadhana, whose practice has reached a certain point. That they can not go on without having union with him, as he manifests, and as a side effect he establishes dharma. Therefore it is so important to us to be attached to those devotees. That’s where Krishna’s attention has been drawn.

     So they have that need, and he personally... No one else can possibly provide that necessity for them. No other god or goddess could step in and say “I’ll take his place”. Not even the Paramatma could take his place.

3 
It’s for everybody

     Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur in his “Raga-Vartma-Candrika” poses the question. How will Krishna, who is lost in the love, in Radha’s love, love of inhabitants of Vrindavan, to the extent that he does not even know that he’s God... He thinks “I’m the son of Yaśoda”. He doesn't think “I’m God”. Under the influence of their prem. This is real Krishna. This is the svayam bhagavan, the supreme personality of Godehad. He does not think, he’s the supreme personality of Godhead. So Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur poses the question: how will he hear the prayers of his sadhakas? And then he supplies an answer to test us, to see if we are ready to tread the raga marg. He says “Well, the Paramatma could hear the prayers and then pass them on”. So if we go “Yes, that makes sense, I could deal with that”, then we can understand, well, we are not fully qualified to tread the raga marg. The raga marg respons would be: “I can not tolerate that! My prayers, my complete dependence on Krishna would be answered by the Paramatma? If so, then I have to make Paramatma Krishna! Syamasundaram acintya-guna-svarupam. I have to make him appear in my heart then.” Something like that. They can have no other God before them (Swami laughs). God says in the Bible: “You shouldn’t have any other god before me”. The devotees have this idea: no one except Krishna. Maybe Caitanya Mahaprabhu, yes, but he is Krishna. That is another thing. He is Radha and Krishna combined. (...) So he’s our deity.

     But the idea is that we all depend on Krishna, this is our stand in bhakti, and this is our stand from the day one. Now, from the day one we have other necessities then just the union with Krishna. We are not even suffering from separation. We are suffering from other things. We are suffering from things that get in the way of our resolve to take shelter of Krishna. So, should we employ someone else to remedy our situation? Well, we may. We may to one extend or another, relatively speaking. We may take medicine for example, because we are sick. We don’t say: why don’t you just chant Hare Krishna? But this is not outside of the idea of taking shelter of Krishna. Because the sadhaka will think: “There was a time when I could say: I’m not this body. Now I can say: my body belongs to Krishna. And I belong to Krishna. So I must take care of this body that belongs to Krishna”. It is a sadhaka deha, it’s not a material body anymore. It’s a sadhaka deha, it’s a body in transformation. Body moving away from the influence of the maya śakti, the external energy, into the influence of the internal energy, the svarup śakti.

     So one will think, “I have to take care of that body”. We find that gopis are very concerned with how they look. They are dressing themselves very nicely, and so forth, but only because they want to please Krishna. There is no vanity in that. So we will stand before the mirror and proudly put the tilak, very strongly, mark the body that belongs to Krishna.
     So if other things appear to be useful to us in terms of our identification with the sadhaka deha, for making it more fit, both, the subtle mind and gross senses, then we will employ these things, but in that consciousness we are not taking shelter outside of Krishna. If my sadhaka deha has a headache, and because of that I can not think about Krishna, I can take the aspirin. Something like that.

     So this is the consciousness that we cultivate, as dependent upon Krishna. Goptrtve varanam tatha, Krishna is my maintainer. Even when there is apparent taking shelter of other things, the appropriate disposition and thinking of the sadhaka is such that he’s actually thinking of Krishna. And depending on Krishna. And doing something in the service of Krishna only.
     So we need to conduct ourselves in such a way that this tendency to take shelter of Krishna, depend only on Krishna comes within us. Therefore it is said for example in the second Canto of Śrimad Bhagavatam... Śukadeva Goswami explains to Maharaja Pariksit all types of worship. If you want this, worship this god, if you want that, worship that god, if you want good health, worship the Sun god, and so forth. After going through the whole list, he says:

akamah sarva-kamo va
moksha-kama udara-dhih
tivrena bhakti-yogena
yajeta purusham param
Bhagavatam 2.3.10

     He said: the real siddhanta, that I’m teaching is this: whether you have no desires, or you have all kinds of desires, or you desire liberation, in any case, do bhakti yoga to Krishna. Let the tendency to take shelter of Krishna come within you.

     Sometimes devotees think, that my material situation is such, that if I just had few more things, I’d be in a better position to practice bhakti. Of course we can practice bhakti in any situation, but we may be disturbed in our mind, thinking that if I could just get a partner, I’d be more whole and able to spend my full energy in bhakti. Something like that. But should I pray to Krishna to get a girlfriend? What would Swami think about that? Someone may think, he shouldn’t pray to Krishna to get a girlfriend, but you better pray to Krishna then not (Swami laughs). Because by praying to Krishna you will get more then a girlfriend or boyfriend. You will get the tendency to depend upon Krishna.

     We should think like this: Krishna will take care of me. Even for the things that I don’t need, that I think I need, in the context of bhakti, I should pray to Krishna for those things. So it’s for everybody.
     Of course the extent to which Krishna is in our lives and we are living in that consciousness, then we will actually start to feel and experience that Krishna is taking care of me. So it’s for everybody.

The samskara for risk

   



















     1. The first interview in London. It was only an agency, but I was happy. The girl who signed me up, Jo, was very personal, friendly, informal. From the first sight I liked her. She reminded me Sibila, Croatian head chef in a restaurant in Birmingham I used to work in. Bit rough, bit funny, straightforward, unofficial. Also I could tell she was hangover, which in this case was a good thing, because I can’t stand those stiff, bureaucratic, spotless dolls, who don’t really care for anyone.

     2. Got a contract with Three Mobile for 12 months. I have “contracts phobia”, so this is big step for me.

     3. Managed to listen to Swami’s two lectures on the train. Really good ones. The first one was from the Polish retreat 2012, questions and answers, and I was one of the people who asked question. I asked at what stage Krishna starts to look after his devotees personally. I’m not writing more, because I want to transcribe and run it here, on Little Gaudiya. I find it very relevant at the moment.
     In the second lecture Guru Maharaja said: “We should develop samskara for risk”. He meant that we should never become complacent on our path, and always look for new ways to come closer to Krishna, even if it means taking risks. “No risk, no gain”.

     4. I admit that I wish I could already rent something and get out of this squat. It’s just too bleak, grim, some people here are not completely sane, alcohol addictions, weed, ego trips. It’s not a place for a gentlemen:) But I’m sorry for the guy, who is kind of responsible for this place. Very good heart, he accepts all kind of people here, not charging, not having anything in return. He does it just to help (and to be less lonely I guess). But he has a terrible alcohol problem. He wishes he could stop, but just can’t, so for the whole day he pours inside beer, vine, vodka, at the end of the day being out cold. Sometimes he chants, he’s vegetarian, spiritually minded. He met Swami few years back, he went to Finland for a retreat. It was a big deal for him. He told me yesterday that he wanted to see Swami, but because he wasn't up to the standard, he wasn't let to. But he said, he got a flower, and managed to get past someone who didn't let him to see Guru Maharaja, and offered the flower to him. I don't know how much of this is true, but regardless it shows his samskara for bhakti, for serving and sadhu-sanga. Poor chap. I hope he gets better some time soon.

     5. Another day gone by. I was thinking today, that yes, this is a tough time for me - the last few months, maybe even couple of years, but I don't think I'd be able to try to get closer to Krishna so intently, if I haven't got smashed so hard. I'm not that brave to pray for troubles, as Kunti did, and if I had a choice, I'd say "the easier way, please". But since I have not much saying about it, I just try to appreciate it, see Krishna's hand.

Million Dollar Hotel

 

      1. Evening again. Someone is playing piano in the squat, amazing. And I can hear it’s not a recording, because there are small mistakes. If this were the ruins of an old castle, not a factory I’d start to believe in ghosts. I wonder who is that. I didn’t know that any of our “Million Dollar Hotel” residents has that skill.

     2. I’ve spent the whole day in here. After working out, rounds and breakfast I focused on sending resumes. I target homeless shelters too. Actually this is my dream for the last nine years. When I lived in Dublin in 2004, the idea came to me the first time and I tried, but without social care experience no homeless shelters wanted to employ me. Now I stand a chance I think. Why homeless shelter? I just really like social care. And the homeless people... I can relate on some level. I slept rough many times in my life, in homeless shelter too, and this world is little bit like a homeless shelter:) Lost souls trying to make home in the place that is temporary and strange to us.

     3. After the chores, I played Guru Maharaja’s lecture (the first one of the Polish retreat) and drew two small drawings for the blog.  Swami was asked about relating to two different groups of disciples – the shy ones, introspective, who may not search for the direct contact with him, and the ones who are always in front, doing things, being visible. Guru Maharaja said that he loves all his disciples. However he doesn’t impose himself. When people want to get closer, to know him more personally, to know “what this Swami is all about”, he’s up for it, he finds it attractive, but if someone prefers to stay in the background, he respects that. Still it doesn’t mean he’s not interested in that person. He thinks about him/her, figuring out how to help.

     4. Listening to Lisa Hannigan, really like her. Very sweet, lyrical, joyful (but sad too).

     5. I think that my English is ok, but I’m driven crazy by articles (“the” articles?!). In many cases I know how to use “the” or “a”, or nothing at all, but sometimes it just doesn’t make sense to me and I do it randomly.

     6. Saragrahi is drawing some new stuff. She almost finished the work for Bhrigu, now she will start something (cowherd boys and Krishna, playing football:) for Balaji, and then ten artworks for Roland. Good for her. I’m so happy that people start to appreciate her art.

 

Sunday

   

   






















      I like those lists. I can be as random as I want to be:)

     1. I went to the Sunday feast at Soho temple. There was a fiery bhajan, gurukulis beating the hell out of mrdangas, sweat, shouting, “ecstasy”, but I wasn’t able to feel it. I prefer coziness, small circle of trusted friends, chanting at the feet of Guru Maharaja. So much sweeter, safer, peaceful.
     2. On the train I had this sadness feeling, very strong, piercing. Saragrahi called me, told me about my nephews, one of them, Kuba, 11 years old boy, got some wounds that can’t heal properly for the last month or two, and generally he’s often sad, lost, more then child his age should be. I’m sorry for him and generally for all my relatives and close people. For all the suffering they have to go through, searching for happiness that will always elude them. I think this is one of the main reasons we don’t have kids.
     3. Just had a nice chat with a godsister. We shared some stuff about Swami, quotes from letters, and how he looks after us, how guru bhakti is becoming more important to us then Krishna bhakti, and how we can actually rely on his faith, while our own is still so weak.
     4. Still no job. Had to borrow some more money, because Saragrahi ran out. It is bothering, but I try to see this as Krishna’s mercy. Don’t have much choice anyway. I could see it as bad karma, or just a random misfortune, but it wouldn’t be much fun, I’ve done that before, so I prefer to think that this is Krishna trying to get me closer to him. Anyways something will come up eventually. I’m doing all I can.
     5. Cut my hair this morning. Always feel younger when I do that, even if my gray hair is showing more.
     6. Evening, almost 10PM. I hear someone’s steps in the hall, smell weed from my neighbor’s room, poor chap, Spaniard, so bright, handsome and strong, but spends all day just getting high, and laying in bed, smiling vaguely. Otherwise the factory is silent, peaceful.
     Good night.

Just a list

Evening list:

1. This verse:

icchet punas tadrsam eva bhavam
klistam kathancit tad-abhavatah syat
yesam na bhatiti mate 'pi tesam
gadhopakari smrti-dah priyanam
Brihad Bhagavatamrta

     One may want to feel that separation again, and may indeed feel distressed if one cannot. Thus a person who can remind one of a beloved not present is considered the most sincere and helpful friend.

2. I wrote a letter to Guru Maharaja, and received very inspiring, encouraging reply. It made me think about our relationship, things that make him happy. I feel that two things are important – yes, keeping my introspection, staying always in touch with the things I feel and think (sounds obvious, but it’s often not), but also moving into practical ways to serve Swami.  

3. Ekadasi – the second one in row I’m following. Made panir-tomato subji, offered some to Marta, Lithuanian devotee girl, who follows Ekadasi too, but didn’t manage to cook today.

4. Tried to watch World War Z, but it was so, so bad, that after 30 minutes I just turned it off. I was actually sorry for Brad Pitt.

5. Saragrahi told me on the phone that garden has cropped so well, that she can’t eat everything, she has to give away a lot. Today she gave a big basket of courgettes, pumpkins and scallopini squash to Aga. The thing is that the garden isn’t big, the soil is poor, and our place is in the mountains so the vegetation period is very short. Still there is such a plentiful of vegetables. It is possible to be self-sufficient. And imagine having land somewhere warm and fertile.

6. Feeling more self-confident and peaceful lately. I think it’s because of having some company, I’m just not made to be alone, I need people to be happy. And also focusing on sadhana, prayer. It makes me feel more balanced, fixed and looked after.

Bhrigu's visit - part 2

   

     The next day I came at the same time, around nine. The devotees offered us breakfast: puffed rice with milk, mango and jalebee, and then we went straight to work. I forgot to say that the day before the camera battery ran out of energy and Bhrigu didn’t have a spare one, so we had to wait for it to recharge for a couple of hours. This morning, after maybe half hour we run out of the space on SD card, and when we tried to transfer the pictures to the computer we realized that for some reason it was going to take few hours. Eventually we went to get an extra SD card. I was laughing at Bhrigu for being so professionally prepared for his research.
     In an old suitcase we discovered a big pile of letters from Gaudiya Math in India to the lady who lived in the house and then gave it to the mission, Vinod Vani dasi. The letters dated from 1940 to 1981, so it was a big piece of history, we copied them too.
     Afterwards I was supposed to fold the letters the way they were before, but I convinced Bhrigu that this way they are going to keep better. Bhrigu told me later, then when I left, he was given dressing-down for being lazy and had to fold them anyway.
     We finished quite early. There was an excellent prasadam again. After the meal I was told off softly by Damodar Swami for touching my cloths with the hand I had just eaten with. So Bhrigu was right when he said that in Gaudiya Mission they are very strict about this kind of things. I didn’t believe him before, I thought that it’s just Bhrigu being Bhrigu:)

***

     We met again the next day to bid farewell to each other. Gopesh was also there. We tried to get Madhukari, but she works for an employment agency and some job came up, so unfortunately she couldn’t make it.
     We met at the Govinda’s in Soho. Bhrigu graciously paid for our meal, I got sweets for everyone. Then we went to the temple. Bhrigu wanted to buy the Bhagavatam set with commentaries by Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakura, the one I got few days ago. We also went to listen to a class.
     “I’m just curious” said Bhrigu with mischievous smile. But we were pleasantly surprised. The older brahmacari who was talking about Bhagavad-gita spoke very philosophically and deep. At one point he asked a question and  Bhrigu as the only one lifted his hand and answered. After that the lecturer addressed him as “scholarly devotee”:)
     Afterwards three of us sat in Soho Square and talked for maybe two hours. Bit of krsna-katha, bit of prajalpa, it was very cool, funny. I like to spend time with godbrothers. You know, the feeling of being a part of a distinguished club, Swami’s gang, having something that brings us together, the feeling for Guru Maharaja.
     Eventually we said good bye. Bhrigu was going to pick up his stuff from the Gaudiya temple and go to the airport, Gopesh went to work, and I headed to the old factory that is my home these days.

Bhrigu's visit - part 1

   

     I was very happy when Bhrigu contacted me few days after the Polish retreat. He said he was going to do some research job for the university and he would need a research assistant, so he asked if wanted to help him. Of course I did. Still without a job, so few pounds wouldn’t be bad, and also I wanted to spend some time with my godbrother.
     As I found out the research was to be done in the London Gaudiya Mission center, in Willesden Green. During one of his former journeys Bhrigu discovered tones of materials left by Bon Maharaja during his preaching mission in Europe in ‘30s. He couldn’t copy everything then, but now he was equipped with time, new camera, Gaudiya Mission permission and of course the best research assistant in the whole London.
     When I arrived there on Wednsday at 9AM, Bhrigu was already waiting. We exchanged hugs and pleasant words. Then I paid my respect to the Radha Krishna and Lord Gauranga murtis. After some minutes a sannyasi appeared, Damodar Swami. Bhrigu introduced me and maharaja welcomed me cordially. I admit, I felt little bit embarrassed. The temple was shining clean, maharaja and local brahmacari wore Vaisnava cloths and tilaks, and so was Bhrigu. Me on other hand, I came straight from my squat, with crumpled, faded cloths,  beard and ruffled hair, looking somehow like a hippy (though a clean one!:). But frankly speaking I always feel like that when I‘m with Bhrigu.

The first page of an early manuscript of Bon Maharaja's book, Shree Krishna Chaitanya


     We started work straight away. Bhrigu was taking pictures and I was passing to him all kinds of materials left by Bon Maharaja almost hundred years ago. Journal, letters, photos, notes. It was exciting to peep at those old days of Gaudiya preaching in the West. The problems that were faced by Maharaja, preaching engagements, reaction of the contemporary people. The folders looked like they were not being opened for a very long time, probably even from thirties. The fastenings and metal parts were literally falling apart after just being touched. Still we kept damage to a minimum.
     When the lunch time arrived we were met with a nice surprise: some Bangali members decided that day to cook a feast for the mission. This is what I call luck. However I wasn’t expecting what was about to happen. I think it was the best food I’ve ever had. Lady who cooked it, kept bringing new dishes, one after one, after one. First the rice with dahl, then green tomato subji, then panir sabji, then another and another, I had no idea what the half of the things were, then tomato chutney, sweet rice, gulabjumens. Bhrigu and I, we were completely full, but Damodar Maharaja kept pointing at our plates and telling mataji to give us more, and laughing at us, when we were stuffing ourselves. Even now I’m salivating, thinking about those tastes. Maharaja said that I should come on Sundays, they will feed me like this every time. I will definitely remember the invitation.
     After that we went back to work. Bhrigu allowed us five minutes break, but I think it was only four, still I didn’t want to argue with the boss;) Around seven, when the daylight got bit dim we called it a day, and decided to finish tomorrow. I bed farewell to my friend and deities and went to catch a train. Tired but inspired. On the way listened to Guru Maharaja’s lecture, looking at the crowded streets, people rushing home after busy day, double-deckers, taxis, setting sun.
     Śanti.

Lazy day

Lazy day
10.08.2013, London

     Lazy day, nothing really happened. I’d go to the city, but it’s expensive. I chanted rounds, exercised, then Petra and I cooked small feast for everyone (I made the peanut butter simply wonderful, it really works). I sent few job applications. Bhrigu wrote me that he’s coming to London next week, he’d like to meet, and apparently he’d have some small job for me for few days as his research assistant. I’ve got no idea what it means, but I’m happy to see him. Tomorrow I’ll go to the Soho temple to get the Śrimad Bhagavatam set with commentaries by Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur (only 40 quid!). This will weaken my finances considerably, but I can’t resist. I’m thinking that it may be a good opportunity to read Bhagavatam again and get some new insights from this commentary.

     Evening list:

     1. Slowly getting used to being on my own (without Saragrahi). “Getting used” it’s too much said, it’s more like I tolerate it better, without that much anxiety.
     2. Bit perplexed by the tribulations in our Polish sanga. I hope that some balance will arrive soon.
     3. Practiced a new bhajan on ukulele. I’m enjoying the thought that some day I might make use of it.
     4. I shouldn’t watch “Luther”, it’s too brutal and bloody for my limited violence intake capacity, but also it’s quite good, so I’m doing it anyway.
     5. Most of the time I feel that all that happens to me is very provisional, temporary, all stuff that I do, plan, etc. Like being a passenger, waiting for the train home, late at night, feeling bit alienated by the strange environment, smell of old cigarette smoke and coffee, indifferent, sleepy people. But holding to the thought that the train arrives shortly, so I’ll be home soon. It’s an unsettling feeling, I don’t really like it. I think most of all because it seems to be lasting for so long now. The good thing about it is, that I’m taking sadhana bhakti more seriously. I just finally hope to get this train to come and pick me up.
     6. My spiritual taste is very flickering and faint. When I’m down, I pray for grace with all my heart, but when I get just little better, I start to look around for some things other then Krishna. Don’t really know what to with it. I’ll just carry on and hope that the Name will purify me.

Program at the squat (that Gypsy life)

     Yesterday Radhika invited me to come over to her squat. They were organizing an event – some devotees and devotees’ friends invited Maha Visnu Swami. It wasn’t too far from my place, took me around forty minutes. I'm starting to get familiar with London transport. When I arrived they were just finishing cooking a big pot of kichari. They were bit scared that there is too much water, but I calmed them down, the rice was going to suck all of the water in, no worries. Most of the squat residents were Lithuanians, but there were also Spanish, Italians, English, quite a big group.
     When Maha Visnu Swami arrived, some of the squatters stayed aloof. Radhika told me that not everyone there likes devotees, and people even feel that there might be too much of Krishna in the space. We went to a small temple room, with Salagram sila on the altar (hmm, what the squatters mean, when they say "too much Krishna"? ;). Maharaja looked tired. As I found out later he came by bus, and it is pretty far from the Soho temple, so I was impressed, especially that afterwards he was going to take a night bus back to the temple.
     We had a kirtan (Maharaja has this funny/crazy accordion with lots of bells, ribbons, colorful fabrics:), introductory lecture, and prasadam. Then Radhika, Tedas and I accompanied Maharaja to the bus stop, making it a little night harinam. I was wandering if we’d get beaten up, the area looked bit rough to me, but no, people were reacting friendly to us.
     After Maharaja left it was already late so Radhika offered a place to stay. Normally I would be reluctant. I like to have my bed, my space, etc., but frankly speaking the last couple of months were so hectic, you know, changing the country, then from Liverpool to London, living in the old factory, I just don’t  care that much any more. I grabbed some old blanket, pillow, and I was ok. We talked till late, about Krishna, crisis of faith, life, etc. It was nice.
     This morning, after chanting rounds together, I took off, and spent the rest of the day home. My mood was little bit down, so I went to the Sainsbury’s and got myself an unnecessarily huge lemon cheesecake. Then I talked with Saragrahi on the phone, she cheered me up a little, then I got new sheets from Petra, a Czech devotee girl living on the ground floor, so my room became bit more civilized, and I even managed to listen to Swami’s lecture – I’m still on Catuh-sloka series.
     Buenas noches.

London sadhu-sanga

 

Gopesh, Madhukari and me, London, Gopesh' place, just after the lecture and halava:) And the pleasurable hammock! I'm getting it sooner or later.



     It’s been a very nice day. In the morning I went to Gophes’ place. I haven’t seen him since the Polish retreat in 2011, and we didn’t really talked that much then. We had a nice talk, he told me stories from the time when he lived in Audarya (like when the cows ate all the vegetable garden!), how he met Guru Maharaja, and generally about life in London. Then Madhukari came. She brought halava and cakes. In the meantime Gophes let us play with his hammock, which we did enthusiastically. Then we played Swami’s lecture – and for that I had to get out of the hammock because I started dozing after five minutes. After the lecture we talked some more, then had a short bhajan with my ukulele. Then Gopesh went to work, and Madhukari and I went for a pizza. We discovered that we both like Sacinandana Maharaja very much. Then we got lost, because apparently living 25 years in London isn’t enough to know the city (he, he, sorry, Madhukari:).

     It was already late afternoon and I decided to go to the Soho temple, to chant gayatri before deities, and then go home, but I met an old friend from brahmacari times, we haven’t seen each other for over 13 years I think, so we had a lot to talk about. I was so happy to discover that he likes Sridhar Maharaja and he actually became a siksa disciple of Bhakti Sundar Govinda Maharaja. He told me some nice stories about him. It was a nice meeting, we’re going to see each other soon.

     I feel like better times are coming. It feels that likeminded devotees are starting to show up around me, I’m landing in the places in some ways connected with Krishna, like even this crazy squat, every day there is some opportunity to talk or think about Swami or Krishna. I like how the things change. I feel like this actually grace coming from above. I know it sounds bit pretentious or bombastic, but I don’t mean it in this way. It’s more like appreciating or learning to see Krishna in even small things. I think it’s important. You know, trying to spot him around you, thinking that maybe he can get attracted by this.

     It reminded me the lecture I heard tonight on the train, coming home. I can’t find it, but it was more or less like this:
     “When you come to a rich man’s house, knock on the door and ask for money, he will give you some, and the send you away. If you come to him and ask for knowledge – how he made the money, so you could use this knowledge, he will say, ok, here it is, take it and go away. Then the third person comes to the rich man’s house. ‘Do you want money?’ the rich man asks. ‘No, I don’t need it’. ‘The knowledge then?’. ‘No, not really’. ‘So what do you want?’ ‘You. I just like you’. And the rich man is so amazed. ‘You want me? You like me? Come in!’”
      So inspiring. We can come up with so many things to ask Krishna, I do all the time, these days asking mostly for money, job and peaceful mind, but I’d like to start to find a way to endear myself to him. To break through the karma or jnana motivations. I know it’s high, and not my level, but I like to meditate on this ideal, so one day it will be really mine.
     Anyway, it was a nice day. Time to brush my teeth and go to sleep. Hari!
PS. Got a job interview for the next Tuesday!

I'm a squatter - part two

     Today was a „clean that dumpster to be able to live in” day. I spent about six hours trying to make my room a livable space. I washed floor, walls, got some old furniture, washed duvet, pillows, and I ended up with a reasonable nice space.
     Then I cooked a feast for everyone. Domink (the guy who is kind of a head of this squat) bought stuff I told him to, and in about three hours I prepared deep fried subji in yoghurt, pulao, dahl, and apple chutney. I could make it in an hour, but I had only one small stove, and the electricity went down couple of times while I was trying to deep-fry cauliflower and potatoes. There were some sparks and boom, but nothing caught fire. Today I found out that we don’t pay for electricity. We live close to a train station, and somehow we steal energy straight from the electric traction. Don’t ask me how, I haven’t got a clue and I prefer not to think about it.
     The feast came out delicious, people were satisfied. Actually there was a reason I decided to cook for everyone. It seems that people in the house aren’t very connected, there is a strange atmosphere, people try to stay away from each other’s sight. I don’t feel like I could really change it, but I thought it wouldn’t hurt to bring some positive vibe to the house. Did it work? Kind of. We talked for a while, joked, but I don’t think it really did much. But I don’t want to go into the local politics, have my own stuff to deal with.
     Tomorrow I’m going to see Madhukari and Gopesh! Madhukari wrote me this morning, asking to come over to Gophes’ place, so we could meet. I’m very happy to meet them. I feel that my godbrothers and godsisters are a very rare kind, at least in Europe. It’s nice to find some time to be together.
     Afterwards I’m seeing Radhika. She asked me to come to her squat, we can put together a bike for me, then we will do a bhajan, there are some devotees living in her place too. Probably I’ll stay overnight, it would be too far to come back.
     Also I might get an interview in the nursery in High Wycombe (near London). I’d love to work in a nursery. I don’t know, it just sounds cool. “Where do you work, man?” “Me? In the kindergarten” I kind of prefer working with kids. Adults can be so boring:)
   Time to sleep, I’m so tired. Too many things are happening. Today it’s exactly two months since I saw Saragrahi.

art by Saragrahi

First day in London - I'm a squatter!

 

     So I've arrived in London. I didn’t know what to expect, I wasn’t really sure what kind of accommodations were awaiting me. Basically it's an old factory building, with lots of rooms, corridors, corners. Dominik, the guy who looks after the place, gives the rooms to people either for free or for a small rent. The place is a mess and it stinks and it’s sticky and dark, but there is quite few people living here, some of them are apparently devotees of some sort, I have to enquire further into it, and it’s for free and close to the city center. Also it has a kitchen, shower, toilets, so it isn’t too bad. It will do for a while, until I sort myself out with a job. And if the smell and messiness get unbearable, I got an offer to move in with a couple of friends, but they live quite far from the city, so I’m not sure. Let’s see. After I arrived, I just took a quick shower and hurried back to the city, trying to make it to the Soho temple for the Sunday feast. I managed. I met with Radhika and we ate a big pile of prasadam. It was excellent. I haven't had this quality food for months.

     Saragrahi told me today about her darsan with Guru Maharaja. She was very happy finally to get a chance to talk to Swami. One of the points they discussed again is Swami’s willingness to come to UK. He said it twice already, so there is something in it.

     For the last few days I’m listening to Catuh-sloka series. Guru Maharaja again and again brings this point – it was personally Krishna, who appeared before Brahma. He touched Brahma’s hand like a friend. It was Krishna, not Visnu.

     After talking to Saragrahi, chanting and listening the talk, I had a little gratefulness meditation. Guru Maharaja told me once that right now we think: "Oh, why Krishna abandoned me, he doesn't care about me", but the day will come when we will think that we get much more then we deserved, we will feel that Krishna's grace is coming to us, even though we feel we haven't earn it. This is the generosity of bhakti. I'm far from this but I start to imagine that it is possible, sometimes, when I put my heart into it, I get those small glimpses.

"Wonderful, wonderful thing"

photo by Kamalaksa

      "It’s nice to practice, it’s good, it’s actually very special to be a sadhaka. You are not a siddha but you’re not a baddha jiva. And holding hands with other sadhakas... It’s very encouraging. It’s a wonderful life in itself.  Even if it doesn’t turn to anything more then that. It’s so nice. Sadhaka’s life. If properly understood and applied. Of course it does [turn to something else]. Krishna says it does for sure. And others standing like great light-houses in the night of the storm of material existence, encouraging us by their example, we see they have some ground they are standing on, they let go here, and they have support... So to be a sadhaka is wonderful, wonderful thing."
Swami B.V. Tripurari (Q&A, Ekadasi, October 2012)

     I have to print and hang it over my bed, and every day when I feel like a failure I’ll just look at it and remind myself – being sadhaka is a wonderful thing. Often it’s not easy, anartha-nivritti can be a painful process. I admit, at times when it was getting too hot in there, I was just quitting – placing bhakti somewhere in the attic and living different life, “going with the flow”, engaging in activism, secular social life or just taking everything easy, going for a pint or something. I hope that with time I’ll get better. Guru Maharaja talks about exercising our sadhaka deha.

     For the last couple of months I’m doing 40 minutes of fitness exercises in the morning. There is this lady on youtube and she’s a personal couch. I remember the first time – practically I fainted, I was grasping for a breath, perspiring profusely, and swearing at that women, who did all the exercises without even blinking. I didn’t even managed to get to the end that first time. And it wasn’t getting much better for the first few weeks. But I kept going, especially that Saragrahi did too, and I didn’t want to be left behind;) So this morning I was doing that series of exercises, and suddenly I realized I don’t even get the panting. I just go on, enjoying the effort.

     So I hope practicing our sadhaka deha is similar. It’s true – sometimes we discontinue our training for a while, so then, when we start again, it feels harder, but if we carry on, very quickly we get to where we were and then move further.

     Today I’m pretty stressed. I’ve already got tickets to London, leaving early in the morning. Fortunately I found someone to take over my room in Liverpool, so I have some money to get started. In London I’ll stay with a friend of a friend of a friend, so yes, I’m not sure how it will go, but I just try to rely on Krishna. I said it many times in my life, but these days I really mean it.
   
     Saragrahi told me today that she talked to Guru Maharaja, and told him about me going to London. Guru Maharaja suggested that in the future he could visit UK and do some programs here. I hope it will happen. We can try to tighten our little London sanga.

     PS. Kamalaksa just posted on facebook a group picture from the Polish retreat, and Syam Gopal a short video from Gaura-arati. I wish I was there. I miss them all so much...

Ekadasi and things getting brighter

   





















     I’ve just returned from the Radha-Krishna temple, the one I wrote about few days ago. It’s Ekadasi, and since this is the first one I’m observing for a very long time, I wanted to make it special. I downloaded an Ekadasi lecture by Swami (I think I’ll make a separate post about it, it was so charming and inspiring) and went to see the Deities. Or to be seen by them, as Guru Maharaja sometimes says:)

     I entered, paid dandavats, offered a fruit to Deities and then chanted Gayatri. I was about to leave, when someone called me. It was the main brahman/preacher of the Indian community here. I saw him few times before, but I have to admit I was little bit put off by what I though to be his proud appearance. Nonetheless I approached him in a humble manner.
     “Present yourself to me” said he.
     “My name is Kalpataru das”
     “And who is your spiritual master?” he asked.
     “Swami Tripurari”
     “And your istha-devata?”
     “Sri Caitanya” I said, but seeing that he’s not familiar with Mahaprabhu, I added “Krishna”.
     He seemed to be pleased.
     “Tell me, what are your guru’s teachings” he enquired further.
     I was pretty happy to have this conversation. Like from Jaiva-dharma, or something:) I miss that in every day life. I told him about our basic siddhanta – Krishna is the highest reality, jiva is his eternal servant, our aim is to attain pure love of God. He listened, then he started to preach. He was Krishna devotee, but there was lots of aiśvarya in his words. When he talked about Krishna, he obviously had in mind Dvaraka Krishna. Still I liked the universal touch in his preaching – that we are not Hindus, Muslims or Christians, we are spirit souls, and we should follow the sanatana-dharma, which is beyond all religious concepts. He very strongly stated that without spiritual master there is no spiritual life. Guru is even more important to us then God. I liked that a lot, especially that Guru Maharaja says it a lot. Then he looked at me sternly.
     “Do you think that Krishna is an avatar of Visnu?” he asked in a menacing voice. I shook my head in deny.
     “Krsnas to bhagavan svayam” I said.
     “Yes!” his eyes shone. “This is the right understanding! Krishna is beyond everything, he’s the source of everything!” Then he added: “But don’t disrespect other gods. They are Krishna’s different aspects.”
     He asked me to stay for arati, which I did. Afterwards I received some maha-prasadam. Then I went home. On the way, I did some shopping and then cooked pure ekadasi lunch.

     During the lunch I was called by Saragrahi. She sounds so inspired and alive. I’m so sorry for not being able to be there with her, Guru Maharaja and all the others. But on the other hand, because I’m can’t be there, somehow I think about Swami and Krishna more then I usually do. Oh, yes, it reminded me the other thing that the brahmana from the temple said today:
     “Do you think that Krishna can’t hear you? No, you are never separated from him. Whenever you think about him, at the exact same moment he thinks about you, and he thinks about you much more, then you think about him”.

     This is so weird (positively weird). I’m here, in the middle of nowhere, unemployed, lost in a big city, unmotivated, broke, but then suddenly, out of blue I’m ending up having this kind of deep conversation about Krishna. It’s almost like (or exactly like) because I’m searching for the higher connection at the moment, this kind of things start to happen. Someone may call it synchronicity, but to me it’s showing the personal features of God, who lovingly responds to our spiritual endeavors.

     I still want to move to London. Actually my mind is 100% there already. Yesterday I contacted some of my friends, asking about accommodation. Also I befriended on Facebook Madhukari and Gopesh, who are Swami’s disciples living in London. We had a quite long chat with Madhukari, she seems to be very nice girl, very friendly and open. We talked about doing some programs or listen to Guru Maharaja’s lectures together. There would be few of us there. Madhukari, Gopesh, Rama Caran and I think Gokulacandra, though he might not be living there anymore, I’m not sure. Then Saragrahi would join me. I hope it all works.

     What else? Saragrahi just got a big order for her art! Ten drawings and she can choose the topic of the series. Nice that she can make some money with her talents. I hope one day she can do just that for living. (And me too:).

London, baby?

   

     I’m seriously considering moving to London, at least to see how it's there. My room here, in Liverpool is paid until September the 5th, so I could leave some of my stuff here, taking to London only basic things, like ukulele and tooth brush:) The idea came today. I was chatting with a devotee friend who lives in London for couple of months. She stays in a squat, doing some odd jobs, busking... Don’t know what else. She said that another devotee might have a room for free that I could stay in and try to find a job there. She said she could also get me a bike, so I wouldn’t have to spent money for the commute.
     It is tempting I have to say. Here I feel so lonely, it hurts. I think in London there are even some of my god-brothers and god-sisters.
     Sometimes, when something doesn’t work, it’s good to reorganize, regroup and try something else. Let’s see what’s the situation with the flat, I’m waiting for a replay from that devotee, I wrote him today.
     This afternoon I was learning a Hare Krishna bhajan on ukulele. I picked one of my favorites, by BB Govinda Maharaja. I remembered the last year retreat with Guru Maharaja, the bon fire we had that time, bhajan, and I was thinking how nice would be to play it for devotees now. But it’s ok. The next year I’ll have a big collection of Hare Krishna tunes, I’ll make people happy:)
     I have an appointment for Monday to see a counselor. I’ve found this place, where they organize courses to rise self-esteem and help to deal with the negative thoughts. I thought why not to try, but after today conversation with the friend I think, I just need some good company. Still, if I don’t go to London, I’ll try it.

Look into my heart

   

     I’m having a pretty bad day. It might have something to do with the fact that Guru Maharaja’s visit in Poland has just started and I wasn’t able to be there with everyone else, which means that I wont see him for at least another year. Also still no luck with a job, and it’s been almost two months already.
     I’ve found this poem by Sacinandana Maharaja.


Don’t Trust Me
Sacinandana Swami

O my Lord
I think You know that I love only You,
although I pretend to love other people and things.
I think You know that when I am sad
it’s because I feel separated from You,
although if I am asked
I would give other reasons.
When I cry, it’s always because of missing You,
although my tears carry other names.

I think You also know
that I am only looking for You,
although I seem to be looking for other persons and things.

Yes, I am a divided soul,
searching for something in the east,
while going west.
I am a helpless soul,
forced by some other agent long ago
to play the double life of a devotee and a cheater.

But do You know why I am writing You this?
It’s because I want your special mercy.
Don’t believe my acts,
don’t trust my words,
but look deep into my heart
and You will see Your own beautiful image.

Rain, gratefulness and Krishna

 

     Yesterday I went for a walk in the city center and suddenly I saw a guy with sikha. I wasn’t sure if he was a devotee, nowadays sikha seems to be trendy. But then I almost stumbled over a table with Vaisnava books. I recognized some of Śrila Narayana Maharaja’s works. There were another two devotees sitting by the table, man and woman.
     “Haribol” I said.
     They turned to me with surprised smile and eyed me to check if this was “I met devotees on Glastonbury festival once Haribol”, or “I know what Haribol means Haribol”. The lady pointed at my neck beads.
     “You’ve got Tulasi. Are you a devotee?”  she asked.
    “ Yes, I am”
     “What’s your name?”
     “Kalpataru. And yours, guys?”
     “Oh, so nice! I am Ananga Manjari, this is Ananda Mohan, and my husband, Radha Raman. Who is your spiritual master?” she asked.
     “Tripurari Swami” I answered. I admit, always when I say that, I just boast, I’m so proud of being Swami's disciple:)
     Now they were all interested. It turned out that they all heard about Swami. And recently they heard from some of their godbrothers about their visit to guru maharaja’s ashram, and how much they liked it there.
     I saw some interesting books, but I was broke, so I thought I couldn’t afford them, but then they told me that they were giving them for free. There was some devotee who had given big donation for this particular purpose – to distribute spiritual  literature to people. When I heard that, at first I was bit worried about Gopi-gita or Sri Bhajana Rahasya being carried away by some unaware passerby Brit, but more then that I was just happy to get some of those books. I was especially excited about Jaiva-dharma, since I left my copy back home, in Poland.

     The couple doesn’t live in Liverpool at the moment, but they are looking for a place to stay, so they will be moving shortly. We might do some Sunday programs together then. The third devotee, Ananda Mohan lives in Liverpool. As far as I understood, he is a disciple of one of the Puri Maharajas, but I’m not sure which one, I think maybe Srila B. V. Puri Maharaja.
     It was a nice surprise. When the day before I met with those Iskcon brahmacaris, they were nice, but when I told them I was from outside of Iskcon, I could immediately feel the cautious distance. With Radha Raman, Ananga and Ananda I felt immediately welcome, as a part of greater Vaisnava family. I like that.

     Today it's Sunday. I woke up pretty late, around eight. It’s that I watched Suits till late (TV shows addiction:). At any rate I got up, did some tough exercises, to shake off the sleep, then chanted, then went to do some shopping (I got twenty quid from a friend to help me out with groceries), cooked huge pot of spaghetti bolognaise (extra olive oil, extra cheddar and too much chili), which I shared with my housemate, and then I went to the Radha Krishna temple. I picked some flowers on the way from someone's garden, they smelled so nice, and bought a pear, so I wouldn't come empty-handed.

     The temple was more busy then usually, I guess because of Sunday. I sat in the corner and chanted some rounds, looking at the deities. It was nice. At one point I thought that I’m complaining a lot about not being looked after by Krishna, sometimes feeling completely left to myself, but it struck me: in spite of all my indifference, laziness and everything, I’m still sitting here, in front of Krishna and Radhika, with japa beads in my hand, spiritual master who I have faith in, my mind relatively peaceful and I try to pray with my heart. I just felt that I had got much more then I deserved. In spite of everything, Krishna is looking after me, giving me much more, then I give to him. I just felt grateful, and this is one of the most beautiful feelings to have, I wish I had it always.
     Then there was Siva bhajan. I prayed to Siva to destroy my false ego, I read recently in Sacinandana Maharaja’s diary that this is what Vaisnavas can pray to him. Then some katha started, but it was in Hindi, and I heard the word “brahman” too frequently for my taste, so I walked out.

     I walked home in the pouring rain, listening to guru maharaja’s lecture, where brahman wasn’t mentioned much, but Krishna all the time:)
     One thing moved me very much in that talk (I think it was the second one of the Catuh-śloka series from this year). Someone asked about Krishna not hearing our prayers, because he’s so involved with his Vrindavana pastimes. Guru maharaja explained that in Dvaraka Krishna is all-knowing, but sometimes he asks Uddhava something, which means that his all-knowing is from time to time suppressed. In Vrindavana there is an opposite situation – for the most part Krishna’s all-knowing is covered, however not completely and not always. So he can hear sadhaka’s prayers! Not Paramatma, but Krishna! What you say about that?