London, baby?

   

     I’m seriously considering moving to London, at least to see how it's there. My room here, in Liverpool is paid until September the 5th, so I could leave some of my stuff here, taking to London only basic things, like ukulele and tooth brush:) The idea came today. I was chatting with a devotee friend who lives in London for couple of months. She stays in a squat, doing some odd jobs, busking... Don’t know what else. She said that another devotee might have a room for free that I could stay in and try to find a job there. She said she could also get me a bike, so I wouldn’t have to spent money for the commute.
     It is tempting I have to say. Here I feel so lonely, it hurts. I think in London there are even some of my god-brothers and god-sisters.
     Sometimes, when something doesn’t work, it’s good to reorganize, regroup and try something else. Let’s see what’s the situation with the flat, I’m waiting for a replay from that devotee, I wrote him today.
     This afternoon I was learning a Hare Krishna bhajan on ukulele. I picked one of my favorites, by BB Govinda Maharaja. I remembered the last year retreat with Guru Maharaja, the bon fire we had that time, bhajan, and I was thinking how nice would be to play it for devotees now. But it’s ok. The next year I’ll have a big collection of Hare Krishna tunes, I’ll make people happy:)
     I have an appointment for Monday to see a counselor. I’ve found this place, where they organize courses to rise self-esteem and help to deal with the negative thoughts. I thought why not to try, but after today conversation with the friend I think, I just need some good company. Still, if I don’t go to London, I’ll try it.

Look into my heart

   

     I’m having a pretty bad day. It might have something to do with the fact that Guru Maharaja’s visit in Poland has just started and I wasn’t able to be there with everyone else, which means that I wont see him for at least another year. Also still no luck with a job, and it’s been almost two months already.
     I’ve found this poem by Sacinandana Maharaja.


Don’t Trust Me
Sacinandana Swami

O my Lord
I think You know that I love only You,
although I pretend to love other people and things.
I think You know that when I am sad
it’s because I feel separated from You,
although if I am asked
I would give other reasons.
When I cry, it’s always because of missing You,
although my tears carry other names.

I think You also know
that I am only looking for You,
although I seem to be looking for other persons and things.

Yes, I am a divided soul,
searching for something in the east,
while going west.
I am a helpless soul,
forced by some other agent long ago
to play the double life of a devotee and a cheater.

But do You know why I am writing You this?
It’s because I want your special mercy.
Don’t believe my acts,
don’t trust my words,
but look deep into my heart
and You will see Your own beautiful image.

Rain, gratefulness and Krishna

 

     Yesterday I went for a walk in the city center and suddenly I saw a guy with sikha. I wasn’t sure if he was a devotee, nowadays sikha seems to be trendy. But then I almost stumbled over a table with Vaisnava books. I recognized some of Śrila Narayana Maharaja’s works. There were another two devotees sitting by the table, man and woman.
     “Haribol” I said.
     They turned to me with surprised smile and eyed me to check if this was “I met devotees on Glastonbury festival once Haribol”, or “I know what Haribol means Haribol”. The lady pointed at my neck beads.
     “You’ve got Tulasi. Are you a devotee?”  she asked.
    “ Yes, I am”
     “What’s your name?”
     “Kalpataru. And yours, guys?”
     “Oh, so nice! I am Ananga Manjari, this is Ananda Mohan, and my husband, Radha Raman. Who is your spiritual master?” she asked.
     “Tripurari Swami” I answered. I admit, always when I say that, I just boast, I’m so proud of being Swami's disciple:)
     Now they were all interested. It turned out that they all heard about Swami. And recently they heard from some of their godbrothers about their visit to guru maharaja’s ashram, and how much they liked it there.
     I saw some interesting books, but I was broke, so I thought I couldn’t afford them, but then they told me that they were giving them for free. There was some devotee who had given big donation for this particular purpose – to distribute spiritual  literature to people. When I heard that, at first I was bit worried about Gopi-gita or Sri Bhajana Rahasya being carried away by some unaware passerby Brit, but more then that I was just happy to get some of those books. I was especially excited about Jaiva-dharma, since I left my copy back home, in Poland.

     The couple doesn’t live in Liverpool at the moment, but they are looking for a place to stay, so they will be moving shortly. We might do some Sunday programs together then. The third devotee, Ananda Mohan lives in Liverpool. As far as I understood, he is a disciple of one of the Puri Maharajas, but I’m not sure which one, I think maybe Srila B. V. Puri Maharaja.
     It was a nice surprise. When the day before I met with those Iskcon brahmacaris, they were nice, but when I told them I was from outside of Iskcon, I could immediately feel the cautious distance. With Radha Raman, Ananga and Ananda I felt immediately welcome, as a part of greater Vaisnava family. I like that.

     Today it's Sunday. I woke up pretty late, around eight. It’s that I watched Suits till late (TV shows addiction:). At any rate I got up, did some tough exercises, to shake off the sleep, then chanted, then went to do some shopping (I got twenty quid from a friend to help me out with groceries), cooked huge pot of spaghetti bolognaise (extra olive oil, extra cheddar and too much chili), which I shared with my housemate, and then I went to the Radha Krishna temple. I picked some flowers on the way from someone's garden, they smelled so nice, and bought a pear, so I wouldn't come empty-handed.

     The temple was more busy then usually, I guess because of Sunday. I sat in the corner and chanted some rounds, looking at the deities. It was nice. At one point I thought that I’m complaining a lot about not being looked after by Krishna, sometimes feeling completely left to myself, but it struck me: in spite of all my indifference, laziness and everything, I’m still sitting here, in front of Krishna and Radhika, with japa beads in my hand, spiritual master who I have faith in, my mind relatively peaceful and I try to pray with my heart. I just felt that I had got much more then I deserved. In spite of everything, Krishna is looking after me, giving me much more, then I give to him. I just felt grateful, and this is one of the most beautiful feelings to have, I wish I had it always.
     Then there was Siva bhajan. I prayed to Siva to destroy my false ego, I read recently in Sacinandana Maharaja’s diary that this is what Vaisnavas can pray to him. Then some katha started, but it was in Hindi, and I heard the word “brahman” too frequently for my taste, so I walked out.

     I walked home in the pouring rain, listening to guru maharaja’s lecture, where brahman wasn’t mentioned much, but Krishna all the time:)
     One thing moved me very much in that talk (I think it was the second one of the Catuh-śloka series from this year). Someone asked about Krishna not hearing our prayers, because he’s so involved with his Vrindavana pastimes. Guru maharaja explained that in Dvaraka Krishna is all-knowing, but sometimes he asks Uddhava something, which means that his all-knowing is from time to time suppressed. In Vrindavana there is an opposite situation – for the most part Krishna’s all-knowing is covered, however not completely and not always. So he can hear sadhaka’s prayers! Not Paramatma, but Krishna! What you say about that?

Days of yore

     This is one of my favorite pictures of all times. It’s Cork City (Ireland), 1998. I'm the brahmacari with mridanga. We had just opened a preaching center there, It was my first abroad travel and I was so happy:) I didn't know a single word in English at that time, it was quite challenging, but soon I learned some. We went on harinam twice a day, every day, for three months. Then our visas expired, so Ananta Sesa (guy on my right) and me, we had to go back to Poland. It was before we were in EU, so we couldn't have stayed in Western Europe for too long.

Friday "Sunday feast"

 

     I went to a Hare Krishna program yesterday. Once a month brahmacaris from Scotland come to Liverpool and organize a little festival. I was thirsty of Vaisnava company so I decided to go. It was quite nice. There was an Indian dance (don’t know which one, I know only how to distinguish bharat-natyam and it wasn’t it) performed by two girls, one was English, other Indian, there were bhajans, and amazing amount of prasadam. The amount is very important to me:) Sometimes even more important then the quality. If I’d have to choose between food that is delicious but scarce and food which is “ok”, but plentiful, I’d go for plentiful (yes, I know, sometimes I’m just a regular redneck). Still the food was nice. I liked that the brahmacaris let to participate everyone, there was even a guitar bhajan led by a girl who hardly new maha-mantra and needed to be helped with the “lyrics”.
     While taking prasadam I had a nice conversation with Sam, who is a sailor and a Christian. He’s a captain on a ship, organizing cruises for young people who want to know Christ little bit closer. I liked him. The way he talked about spirituality and God was very universal, I find it attractive. We exchanged the phone numbers, I’m going to visit his ship one of these days.
     Still no luck with a job. I had one offer, it was nice, money was good and the place too, but they wanted someone for night shifts, and there is no way I could pull it off. I’d be a zombie and anyway I want to be able to see Saragrahi or other people, and it wouldn’t happen if I started my job at 8PM and finished at 8AM.
     Today it’s Saturday, I’ve already sent some CVs, but it’s weekend so I don’t expect anything to happen. I’ll just go for a long walk around Liverpool, chanting rounds and listening to lectures, trying to be closer to Krishna.

"My boy, look at Me"

   

     The Lord is always there, even in the worst period of our lives. He is waiting, waiting to help us. We must only look up for His grace, with sincerity - with all sincerity. He is everywhere, waiting, “My boy, look at Me. Don’t make much of the external environment. I am here, very near to you. You have cast your focus aside, you have cast your consciousness outside. Make it internal and you will find Me here. Make it above. You are looking down to secure servants and comforts, but if you look up, for existence higher than you, you will find Me in that plane. Look up! Don’t look down, searching for servant’s.” 
Srila Sridhar Dev Goswami Maharaja “Inner Fulfillment” 

     It’s such a beautiful passage. This image – the Lord always waiting for us, wanting to help. It’s a very charming idea. God who wants us even more then we want him. All we need to do is to look up for his grace. He is independent, he casts his loving glance at us only when he wishes to do so. But as I understand it, he always does.
     This morning I went to Radha Krishna’s temple again. People there (all Indians) start to recognize me. I didn’t want to bring Krishna bananas or apples again, so I did some detour and eventually found a yellow, sweet melon in a supermarket. I felt like a little, excited kid when I presented it to the deities. I try not to think about it as a bribe, you know “Krishna, I’m in a predicament, could you uplift me, please, so I feel better?” Rather I think that by doing that, I’ll be able to see him more as a person, and then I can pray more sincerely, so he can hear me better, so he knows where to direct his grace... Yes, eventually I want to be happy. And I have some faith that I can be truly happy by connecting with Krishna.
     I wrote to guru maharaja asking about our relationship. Since I live on the other side of the globe, I don’t see him too often. Just once a year (not this year though), and that’s it. I listen to his lectures, read books, but I wish I could have something more. I wanted to do the transcribing seva, but I just couldn’t get my head around it. Anyway, I asked about improving our relationship, what I could do. He simply answered that he loves me.
     Sometimes I feel very fortunate.

Be hopeful - Sacinandana Swami

by Sacinandana Swami

     There is good reason to be  hopeful. Krishna is very, very kind to and supportive of His devotees. He waits patiently for them to turn to Him, and then He responds immediately. Often He Himself takes the first step toward them. "He is so kind, so very kind," as Srila Prabhupada used to say.
     We have only to accept that Krishna’s kindness follows His own mind and not always our expectations. This means He gives us exactly what we need at any given time. So now my question these days is, How can I live in relationship with Him? As I ponder this question I look out at the winter night. The stars blink in the distance. Is the Lord as far away as those stars or is He closer? How can I connect with Him?
     During the last year I learned some things that help me make that connection. I’d like to share them with you:

     1. Become aware that Krishna is the goal of your life.
     2. Offer as many acts as you can in His service. Activate your relationship with Him and ask for guidance how to further activate it from those who have an active relationship with Him, like Srila Prabhupada and your other spiritual masters.
     3. Train your mind to connect with Krishna through devotional thoughts. Convince your intelligence of the truth of Krishna consciousness.
     4. Take full and unreserved shelter in the processes of bhakti - the hearing and chanting and reading the scriptures under the guidance of great devotees.
     5. Most importantly, pray, pray, pray. Bring your spiritual heart into your prayer. Pray like the bird who sits in the nest waiting fervently for its mother to bring it food. Pray like the thirsty calf who tugs at the rope binding it to a stake so it can run forward to its mother’s udder.

     Pray like the morose wife who yearns for her husband when he is away from home. You will soon find that Krishna is only a prayer away. He is not like the stars in the winter sky, which are distant, cold, and unapproachable. When you reach Him in devotion, Krishna will respond to you in ways beyond your boldest imagination. Yes, the Lord is only a prayer away!

Krishna is close

   

     Night is coming. The street is still noisy. Drunken voices from afar, my quarter is pretty dodgy, this morning lots of police, ambulances, they took some wretched man with foggy eyes, some woman was crying, a pale little child didn’t know what’s going on. It’s stuffy in my room, but I don’t open the window, it would be too much, too close to that world outside. Still I feel ok. Krishna is somewhere close. Swami just talked about Lord Caitanya’s transformation from a scholar to a madman, then initiated few fortunate souls. I listened and drew a small sketch with dancing devotee and Krishna watching him from a distance. The devotee doesn’t see him, but imagines that the Lord is close. And Krishna enjoys watching him, looks with a loving, friendly gaze. There is no other shelter then him. The fear and confusion come only when I forget it. Fill up my heart, dear Krishna. Wake me up, please.

From the Head To Spiritual Heart

 

     After a short break from this blog, let’s do some summarizing. I’m in the UK. The job hunting in Krakow didn’t work, we haven’t found anything. We realized that economical situation in Poland was worse that we had thought, and definitely we were not suited for it. I guess we got a bit spoiled by living in the first world countries, where you take some things for granted, like reasonable wages, employment, less bureaucracy, workers rights, etc.
    So eventually I told Saragrahi I’ll go England, and when I find something, I’ll bring her in. That was about six weeks ago. I’m in Liverpool now, renting a small room in a shared house, but somehow everyone left so I have this big house for myself. I’m sending CVs and applications around and waiting for what’s next. I’m looking for a social care job. I have a diploma in health and social care. Frankly speaking I can’t imagine doing different kind of work. Working for a capitalist enterprise as I did few times before, feels dry and empty. I’m, trying to get to a residential schools for children with learning difficulties. That was my last job in UK, when I lived in Bristol few years ago, and this is definitely my thing.
     It’s taking more time then I hoped, but I have my first interview this Wednesday, yes! It’s in a school, 35 hours a week, the salary is quite good, let’s see how it goes. I’ll try to make a good impression, the rest is in the Universe’s pretty hands:)

     Spiritually I wasn’t doing too well either. The Krakow failure put me down, financial debts made me anxious, and then this trip to England messed me up even more. You know – being alone in a new country, not knowing what’s coming next. I’m not dealing well with stress lately (for sure I’m not telling that in the interview!). And these last months are nothing but stress, so I got subdued by anxiety and depression more then I could have wished for. It reflected in my sadhana (which basically disappeared) and generally I felt left by Krishna again.

     But I kept praying, I always do, even if it’s just a desperate cry, not the sattvic meditation, and maybe because of that I got en email from a friend. He knows what my deal is, so he sent my a lecture by Sacinandana Swami, “From the Head To Spiritual Heart”. I don’t know if you know that swami, I always liked him, when I was in Iskcon and afterwards too. A very warm, enthusiastic, always smiling devotee. So I got that lecture and frankly speaking I didn’t think I could go through ninety minutes of spiritual talk, specially by someone who is not Guru Maharaja. But then I thought that since I was praying to Krishna for help, it would be stupid to turn down something like this. And good that I didn’t. It was amazing lecture, particularly for someone in my position.

     Sacinandana Swami wrote about his experience of suffering, when he was in hospital with some serious illness. He suffered greatly and tried to look for shelter in Krishna, but he couldn’t. He said, his heart was empty and dry, there was no Krishna at all. He went for a length with this description and I admit I started to cry, because he was basically describing my feelings for a long time now. It was very liberating to hear such a nice, advanced Vaisnava expressing feelings so similar to mine.
     And then, he said, something happened. He didn’t want to elaborate on the experience, I guess it was too personal, but he said that at one point, in the peak of desperation, he felt Krishna’s grace coming to him, filling him like a fresh water on the desert.

     It was amazing to hear about that, maharaja spoke about it in a very emotional, beautiful way. His experience made me feel very hopeful. Yes, that’s the problem – I lose hope too often. Usually it happens when I get slack with the spiritual practice.
    Then he spoke about doubts and faith. He said that by company of sadhus, three kind of doubts are removed. First – the doubt about God’s existence, then... I don’t remember exactly. There was maybe a doubt if God loves us? Nonetheless the idea was that doubts can disappear if we follow the spiritual path putting in it not only our head (to learn sambandha) but also the heart.

     This morning I went to a Hindu temple. It’s just few streets away, and they have beautiful marble Radha Krishna deities. I'm visiting the temple since last week, when I discovered it. Today I offered to deities a big pineapple and chanted gayatri in front of them. It felt nice, peaceful. My anxiety comes from the fact that I have no control over what’s happening around me, you know financially, economically, health-wise, etc. I feel great relief when I even just try to depend on Krishna. Telling him – do what you wish, I’m turning to you. It’s not an easy thing to learn, frankly speaking I find it to be the most difficult thing I have to do. But also the most rewarding.
     Karnamrita posted on Sri Caitanya Sanga this quote from Scott Peck, which I find very relevant to all this.

     "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways, or truer answers." M. Scott Peck

     And this is it. Very optimistic and comforting stuff. To all the people who are going through tough times in life – we are not broken. We are just being mended:)

     PS. Since I'm in the UK and broke, I wont be able to see Guru Maharaja this year, I can't go to the Polish retreat. I'm also sorry that I will not meet my godbrothers and godsisters. But I'll definitely try to be there with my heart. And Saragrahi promised to write down everything that will happen there, so I wont be completely cut off:)