"My boy, look at Me"

   

     The Lord is always there, even in the worst period of our lives. He is waiting, waiting to help us. We must only look up for His grace, with sincerity - with all sincerity. He is everywhere, waiting, “My boy, look at Me. Don’t make much of the external environment. I am here, very near to you. You have cast your focus aside, you have cast your consciousness outside. Make it internal and you will find Me here. Make it above. You are looking down to secure servants and comforts, but if you look up, for existence higher than you, you will find Me in that plane. Look up! Don’t look down, searching for servant’s.” 
Srila Sridhar Dev Goswami Maharaja “Inner Fulfillment” 

     It’s such a beautiful passage. This image – the Lord always waiting for us, wanting to help. It’s a very charming idea. God who wants us even more then we want him. All we need to do is to look up for his grace. He is independent, he casts his loving glance at us only when he wishes to do so. But as I understand it, he always does.
     This morning I went to Radha Krishna’s temple again. People there (all Indians) start to recognize me. I didn’t want to bring Krishna bananas or apples again, so I did some detour and eventually found a yellow, sweet melon in a supermarket. I felt like a little, excited kid when I presented it to the deities. I try not to think about it as a bribe, you know “Krishna, I’m in a predicament, could you uplift me, please, so I feel better?” Rather I think that by doing that, I’ll be able to see him more as a person, and then I can pray more sincerely, so he can hear me better, so he knows where to direct his grace... Yes, eventually I want to be happy. And I have some faith that I can be truly happy by connecting with Krishna.
     I wrote to guru maharaja asking about our relationship. Since I live on the other side of the globe, I don’t see him too often. Just once a year (not this year though), and that’s it. I listen to his lectures, read books, but I wish I could have something more. I wanted to do the transcribing seva, but I just couldn’t get my head around it. Anyway, I asked about improving our relationship, what I could do. He simply answered that he loves me.
     Sometimes I feel very fortunate.

Srila B. R. Sridhar Maharaja – A Dream

Srila B. R. Sridhar Maharaja – A Dream

     I had this dream about five years ago, I just stumbled upon it in my diary this morning, and I though it was worth putting here. As the dreams go I don’t have too mystical approach, I don’t read too much into them, but when spiritual personalities or situations happen, I’m always happy. I just appreciate that my mind has some spiritual occupation in a dream, instead of being completely in maya. So the dream:
     For some reason, I can’t recall how, I was able to get darsan with Srila Sridhara Maharaja. Overwhelmed with awe, reverence but also joy, I entered his room. He was sitting in the wicker chair. He looked different from the pictures I saw – he was younger, maybe forty five years old, maybe fifty, but somehow I knew for sure, it was him.
     There was one more devotee inside. He was asking some advice. Śridhara Maharaja listened patiently, and when the devotee finished, Maharaja turned to me.
     “You answer” he said.
     I almost fainted, I was so excited, happy and scared. I wanted to do it right, so I asked to hear the question again. The devotee was wandering about the choice of a guru. He knew two Vaisnavas and he wasn’t sure which one was right for him.
     I knew, I couldn’t really quote sastras very well, so I decided to speak what I feel. I said that choosing spiritual master must be based on the heart. The scriptural knowledge has to be there, but the most important thing is the feeling. A feeling brought us to Krishna consciousness in the first place, so we should trust it on the remaining part of our spiritual path. Krishna is in our heart. When we are sincere, we hear him, as the voice of the heart.
     I was going on for a while, watching Maharaja out of the corner of my eye. I was relieved to see that he was nodding with approval. When I finished, he quoted a beautiful verse confirming what I just said (I wish I remembered it:).
     Then the devotee left and suddenly I was alone with Maharaja. He was very mellow, peaceful, so soon I relaxed too. He asked about my life, what I do, if I’m happy. It was casual and at the same time very spiritual. When I told him that I’m connecting myself with Tripurari Swami, he was very happy. He said that Swami will take good care of me.
     I woke up.

Wild Strawberries

        Tense day. It would be ok., but I had to fill the US visa application. 

     Whenever I have to deal with this kind of stuff (offices, institutions, documents), I’m just getting seriously anxious. First of all it makes you feel powerless. You have to solicit, apply, bend, wait for an answer, sweat, swear, and there is not much you can do about it. I guess, for me it just takes away my dignity. Why someone who doesn’t even know you should decide about the important events in your life? It’s one of the reasons I’m standing pretty strongly on the anti-state position (as some of my friends already know). I know I'm being maybe overly sensitive to this kind of issues, but I had some hard time with bureaucracy in last years.

     But, ok, the application is sent, I’ve paid my tribute to the Demigod of Coercive Institutions.

     All this made me thinking about some verses I remembered from yesterday. I started to read Sri Sri Prapannam-jivanamrtam by Sri Pujyapad B.R. Sridhar Maharaja. I’m not sure, but I think it’s one of the only two books written personally by him, the other one being his translation of Bhagavad-gita. All the other books are compiled by his disciples from his talks. 

     Sri Sri Prapannam-jivanamrtam means Life Nectar of the Surrendered Souls. Sridhara Maharaja collected in it hundreds of verses from all kind of sastras, describing śaranagati – the process of surrender to the Lord. A beautiful idea, I’m planning to carry this book with me for a while, looking for an inspiration.

     I’ve only just started. In the first chapter written entirely by Sridhara Maharaja there were two verses that I liked very much.

bhavarti-pidyamano va, bhakti-matrabhilasy api

vaimukhya-badhyamano 'nya-gatis tac charanam vrajet

                                                                                    1.44  

    One who is severely afflicted by fear of living in the material world, or, one who, despite having an aspiration for the Lord's service is nonetheless bound with adversity - such persons, findingno alternative, surrender to the Supreme Personality of Godhead.

     I match both cases. I am “severely afflicted by fear of living in the material world”. This is why I’ve started a therapy. I have a very deep feeling that this world is an awful, unpleasant and messed up place. I know it doesn’t have to be perceived this way. A devotee, seeing everything in connection with God, has a peaceful mind. He doesn’t obsess with wars, hunger, politics, etc. He sees all these things, feels compassion, but he draws his peace from the other land – land of love and self-forgetfulness. 

     Other then that, “I have an aspiration for the Lord’s service, but nonetheless I’m bound with adversity”. Tell me about it. It feels like adversity is all I get, and the worst is adversity from myself. I met devotees in 1996. It’s been… let’s see… 16 years already. I should be much further spiritually then I’m now. But it is like walking trough a bog. Every step is a stumble and every word is a whine.

     So I know I have a long way to go, but this verse gives me hope. When I read it in bed yesterday, my face lit with a smile. Specially when I read one of the next ones:

vinasya sarva-duhkhani, nija-madhurya-varsanam

karoti bhagavan bhakte, saranagata-palakah

                                                                     1.47

     Being most affectionate toward His surrendered souls, the Supreme Lord totally dispels their unhappiness, graciously filling their hearts with His sweet absolute presence.

     I like to read about God being affectionate to his devotees. I struggle with a vision of Lord branded in my mind, as a remote, cold, inhuman being. I have the knowledge about Krishna’s sweetness, about the loving relationships you can have with him, and yet some weird part of me is skeptical. Not about his existence, I never had this issue, but rather about his lovingness. So every time I stumble across this kind of verses I feel like finding a big, juicy wild strawberry on the walk trough the forest. I pick it up, look at it with dreamy eyes, smell it, place it on my tongue and then spread it all over my mouth. Yes, God loves me, he is affectionate, I’m going to be just fine, nothing to worry about... 

     That’s why I like Srila Sridhara Maharaja’s books. There is so many sweet berries in that forest.