Imagine Love

Imagine Love

Imagine, you love Him

like loving a young girl –

all you think is how she feels

what she needs, where she is

in a sense you don’t exist,

in a sense at least.

Imagine you love Him

like a climber loves a mountain.

Standing at the top

all you feel is freedom,

all you see is space and beauty,

you don’t even know words any more.

In a sense you don’t exist.

Imagine you love Him

like a traveler loves the road,

the road dust smells like a lilac bush,

you don’t mind a stone for a pillow,

as long as you may roam,

as long as nothing stops you,

and in a sense you don’t exist,

you and your way are one.

Imagine you love Him

and He loves you back.

Hand in hand with your lover

on the mountain top,

dark, blue sky,

clear, icy air,

and in a sense you don’t exist,

you’re just for Him,

and everything else

is just a dream.

Self-forgetfulness

     Guru maharaja often talks about self-forgetfulness. I feel like it’s the one of the most important concepts in our tradition. He says: “Gaudiya Vaisnavism considers self-forgetfulness to be a further development of self-sacrifice. In Vrindavana, even Krsna forgets himself (his Godhood) in order to interact with the residents in intimate moods of love.” In other place he says: “Anyone who studies Krsna lila carefully will see that it speaks about absolute giving and self-forgetfulness as no other tradition does. One who truly embraces self-forgetfulness in love experiences Krsna lila, the poetic love life of the Absolute.”

     In order to experience love, we must forget ourselves, lose ourselves, give up our separate interest, “die to live”. Only then we may be allowed to enter “the land of love and dedication” as Srila BR Sridhar dev Goswami likes to call the spiritual realms.

     I was thinking about it couple of days ago. I woke up early morning. The sun (which I had not seen for a while, alas winter doesn’t want to go away) shone straight on my face. I don’t know, maybe it was the sun, maybe something else, a dream perhaps, but I thought very clearly: “How would it be to love Krishna? Not to think about ambitions, desires, problems, this and that, but forget all, and feel that the only sense of existence lays in loving and serving God?” I loved the idea. It was such a relief even just to think about it. That morning I had the best rounds ever.

     When for the last couple of years I was going trough a rough period in life, I read many psychological, transpersonal, spiritual (to some degree) books.  I found a good stuff there, lots of gems, ideas of self-realization, sacrifice, freedom from ego. But I have to admit, all those books and ideas were missing something. All of them to some degree focused on the “self”, they thought some form of self-centeredness. There is a value in it, value of being conscious, aware, focused. But I don’t think I stumbled on the idea of self-forgetfulness in there. I even think its authors would consider it some kind of blasphemy if you said “forget yourself, forget your problems, don’t live for yourself, live for something (someone) higher”. And yet I’m convinced that the real freedom, real happiness, real satisfaction of the heart hides in that secret, sacred twist of consciousness – change from the self-centeredness to self-forgetfulness. 

     Sometimes my friends ask for advice. They talk about their problems, mind issues, anxiety, worries, relationship stuff, etc. I’m sympathetic, I’m going trough this crap myself, and very often I’m completely covered, I can’t even see the light at the end of the tunnel. But in the moments of clarity I understand how pointless may be trying to solve all those issues separately. Mostly they are born of self-absorption. But it’s not easy to accept it when you are exactly in the middle of a ditch, so often I don’t know what to advice.

     What helps me to get over it? Difficult to say; most of the time I am self centered myself. But observing my small steps I see the value of sincere, heart-felt prayer, regularity and steadiness in spiritual practices (my new re-discovery), connecting with selfless sadhus trough the sastra and talks, and the basics – chanting of maha-mantra. So again – nothing new, we all know this stuff. 

Srila B. R. Sridhar Maharaja – A Dream

Srila B. R. Sridhar Maharaja – A Dream

     I had this dream about five years ago, I just stumbled upon it in my diary this morning, and I though it was worth putting here. As the dreams go I don’t have too mystical approach, I don’t read too much into them, but when spiritual personalities or situations happen, I’m always happy. I just appreciate that my mind has some spiritual occupation in a dream, instead of being completely in maya. So the dream:
     For some reason, I can’t recall how, I was able to get darsan with Srila Sridhara Maharaja. Overwhelmed with awe, reverence but also joy, I entered his room. He was sitting in the wicker chair. He looked different from the pictures I saw – he was younger, maybe forty five years old, maybe fifty, but somehow I knew for sure, it was him.
     There was one more devotee inside. He was asking some advice. Śridhara Maharaja listened patiently, and when the devotee finished, Maharaja turned to me.
     “You answer” he said.
     I almost fainted, I was so excited, happy and scared. I wanted to do it right, so I asked to hear the question again. The devotee was wandering about the choice of a guru. He knew two Vaisnavas and he wasn’t sure which one was right for him.
     I knew, I couldn’t really quote sastras very well, so I decided to speak what I feel. I said that choosing spiritual master must be based on the heart. The scriptural knowledge has to be there, but the most important thing is the feeling. A feeling brought us to Krishna consciousness in the first place, so we should trust it on the remaining part of our spiritual path. Krishna is in our heart. When we are sincere, we hear him, as the voice of the heart.
     I was going on for a while, watching Maharaja out of the corner of my eye. I was relieved to see that he was nodding with approval. When I finished, he quoted a beautiful verse confirming what I just said (I wish I remembered it:).
     Then the devotee left and suddenly I was alone with Maharaja. He was very mellow, peaceful, so soon I relaxed too. He asked about my life, what I do, if I’m happy. It was casual and at the same time very spiritual. When I told him that I’m connecting myself with Tripurari Swami, he was very happy. He said that Swami will take good care of me.
     I woke up.

Spring In Krakow (sadhana thoughts)

Saragrahi chanting, Krakow view

Spring In Krakow (sadhana thoughts)

05.03.2013 Krakow

     The spring is getting here. The sun was up all day, the smog wasn’t too heavy, I didn’t even need long johns (though I wore them anyway, just to be on the safe side;). Saragrahi and I went for a long walk, we visited the old Jewish quarters, then we climbed an ancient burial mound supposedly left by Celts around 2000 years ago. It felt nice to chant Gayatri on the top of the mound, watching the panorama of Krakow below. We are suppose to be job hunting, and we do (really), but today we just wanted to take it easy.

     Yesterday I listened to guru maharaja’s lecture, “Be Like a Water”. The devotees recommended it on Tattva-viveka, and yes, it is a very inspiring, mellow talk. The sounds of India, temple bells, distant kirtan, guru maharaja’s soft, gentle voice... This morning, while chanting I remembered the passage, where Swami spoke about his experience with chanting; how he entered the holy name, and it was completely different from anything he could imagine. He was in Chicago but felt like in the green pastures of Goloka. When we give up our concept of what spirituality means and just let ourselves to be carried away by the holy name, it will reveal itself. That was the gist of the talk. So – attentive chanting – that’s the key. I tried this morning more then usually and I’ll keep trying.

     I have few thoughts about sadhana. Nothing innovative, we all know the stuff, but recently some things became clearer to me. As I mentioned before I had some difficulties in my spiritual life, had a break from the practice, and so on. Then I tried to get back on the Vaisnava tracks.

     First I started from one round. I know, it doesn’t sound impressive, but it was hard. Day after day I managed to sit down and sacrifice ten minutes for God. At first it felt like working in a mine, but soon it became easier and easier, and at one point I started to look forward to it. Ok – I said to myself – let’s go one level up, add something. Let’s read a verse or two from guru maharaja’s Gita. And again there were some difficulties – I felt like reading Chinese. I just couldn’t get my mind around these topics. They felt very dry and irrelevant  to life. But I kept going, determined to gain some taste. After a while I started to get it and actually enjoy the association with sastra. It was interesting to watch the mental transformation from a spiritual oblivion to some resemblance of taste. What next? I decided to add one Gayatri chanting – just in the morning. Somehow the thought of doing it three times a day scared me and I needed to take it easy. Baby steps, right? This was going on for a quite long time. I couldn’t decide to take the next step. If I decide to chant Gayatri three times a day, it means to "give up" the whole day to Krishna, not just the morning. You know, you have to remember to chant it at noon, then evening, you need to be focused, avoid parties and stuff like that. Fortunately my better half wasn’t such a chicken and she came back to the full amount of rounds and Gayatri thrice a day. I couldn’t stay behind, of course, I am the husband after all:) So now for some weeks I’m back to the standards I promised to guru maharaja.

     Why am I writing about this stuff here? It is personal, I know, but I ‘m just thinking that there are some devotees who go trough a tough time in their practice. I know how it feels. The smallest spiritual endeavor seems like an impossible task. Specially when you don’t have the personal company of guru or other Vaisnavas. In my experience the help is available if you sincerely try for it. For me it was two things: regularity in sadhana (however imperfect and small it was) and everyday prayer acknowledging my inadequacy and weakness, in which I asked guru maharaja, param gurus and Krishna for help.

     It’s still all fresh and fragile, I know, but I hope some of you can already use some of this experience in your own difficulties.
   
     That's it for today. Haribol.

The Great Advaitin

The Great Advaitin

     The great Advaitin, Madhusūdana Saraswati, concludes his commentary on this chapter with the following remark: „I don’t know any other reality than Krsna, whose hands are adorned with a flute, whose luster is like that of a new rain cloud, who wears a yellow cloth, whose lips are reddish like the bimba fruit, whose face is beautiful like the full moon, and whose eyes are like lotuses… Those fools who cannot tolerate the wonderful glory of Krsna go to hell.”

(Bhagavad-gita. Its Feeling and Philosophy, 

Swami B.V. Tripurari, 15.20, purport)

     I like what guru maharaja does here. This is what makes his Gita so special to me, so broad and brave. I remember I read somewhere the criticism against Swami for placing in the commentary on Gita the references to the commentary by Madhusudana Sarasvati, who is an impersonalist. 

     This is such a misunderstanding. Isn’t it appealing to read a “great Advaitin” saying: “Those fools who cannot tolerate the wonderful glory of Krsna go to hell”? How I see it, is that the beauty, charm, sweetness, lovability of Krishna are such, that even someone who is philosophically convinced and situated in Brahman, can’t resist. What sweetness is there in the light, emptiness, freedom from pain? Not much. The mind is peaceful, the desires are not biting - calm, space, silence, serenity - but it seems that the soul can’t find his full prospect there. He needs more. He needs the blues.

     Another thing is, how masterly Swami does it. He shows great respect for the spiritual school so different, opposite or you could even say at times hostile to ours and in the same time elegantly establishes the superiority of Vaisnava doctrine. In his purports to few previous verses he establishes this superiority philosophically, sastrically, quoting from Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur, Baladeva Vidyabhusana, explaining differences between different purushas, etc. It is very scriptural, solid. But in the last paragraph of the chapter what he does? He says (at least how I see it): “Whatever – believe what you want, have your own interpretation, your own bhasya, but the truth is, Krishna is just the best. That's it.”

     So inspiring.

     As for Madhusudana Sarasvati himself, I like him. His attraction for Krishna pops here and there. I guess he must had been going trough a tough existential crisis. “Is Brahman superior? Or is Krishna? What will happen with me when I reach perfection? Merging with the Light? Well… it’s nice, great, isn’t it what I want?  But… that Krishna, he is so charming, so sweet, cool, funny, pretty… Could I just serve him eternally? But how could I? The identity is temporary, illusory, there is no I, there is no him, there is nobody, we are all one… Oh, dammit!”