Spiritual apathy, creativity and the big news at last!

 

    1. Last week experiencing spiritual apathy. It happens from time to time, and I feel that when it hits, I just have to wait it through, trying not to get too neurotic about it. It’s like Krishna, chanting and all, loses its charm, it feels empty, dry and pretty indifferent. Especially when the outside situation is bit stressful, then sadhana feels like an extra burden. It should feel like a shelter, but it hardly does. So anyhow I haven’t chanted for few days. Today, when the clouds of ennui dispersed a little, I managed my rounds and gayatri.

     2. On Wednesday I recorded a song. It’s just that when I’m really down, feeling that my self-esteem, sense of worth is almost non-existing, I try to do something creative. Sometimes it’s a drawing, maybe a poem, but at times I write and record songs. I like this medium very much. Making music and lyrics feels very tangible, solid, and often it has much more impact on others then for example a drawing. I guess it helps me to burst up the image of myself that I’m holding and which frankly speaking burdens me a lot. In therapy I discovered that it all comes from my unhappy childhood and lack of appreciation from my authority figure, but to be honest to be aware of that doesn’t really make a difference. I need to solve (accept) it now. The past is gone. The song is very lighthearted and playful -  it’s about love, dreams, my girl and about refusing to participate in the madness of this world.

     3. And the big news. Tomorrow is my first day in new job! My agency is sending me to a learning difficulties college, as a teaching assistant. It’s not too far from my place, maybe forty five minutes on the bus, the money isn’t too bad, the hours are cool – finishing at 4PM, which is perfect. If school authorities like me, they will take me for the whole year. So let’s hope they do. Having this job means that in a few weeks I’d be able to rent a room in a shared house (can’t expect to get a flat right now, it’s crazy expensive in London) and bring Saragrahi here, so in turn she will look for job. Hope it works out.

     4. Going to the city in a while, to the Sunday feast at Soho.

Sunday feast, rats, bitterness and stuff

     1. I’ve just came from the Soho temple. I went to the Sunday feast, to have darshan of the deities, spend some time with Vaisnavas. I stayed for the class. I was bit sorry to listen to it. Very watered down, tasteless, more of some cultural or moral Sunday school kind of a sermon, not Gaudiya Vaisnava philosophy. I understand it’s a Sunday class, so it’s suppose to be general, but I don’t talk about elevated rasika topics or anything like that. The basic talk can be deep too. I think it’s a general problem of Iskcon. There are not many good lecturers, who’d know GV siddhanta and know how to present it in an interesting, charming way. It’s pity. The older devotees should go deep into different sastras and travel to different temples and do seminars. To take for example Jaiva Dharma. This book alone could give material for years of seminars. Then Brhad Bhagavatamrta for example. Or studying Bhagavatam commentary by Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur. I feel little bit hypocritical, because I don’t do lectures myself, but I try to study, to get deeper into it and I feel that because of listening to Swami and reading his and Sridhara Maharaja’s books alone I can stand ground in GV theology quite well. The good side of today experience in Soho is that it got me inspired to study more carefully. I don’t want my presentation of Krishna consciousness be ever like that.

     2. Sometimes when I look through the window I see rats looking at me with curiosity. I wander if they do that now, in the evening, when I can’t see them. In any case I don’t leave windows open when I go out. I don’t want to have visitors. Some time in the future, when I get sorted out, with career, money, apartment, Saragrahi coming here, maybe with some extra education, I’ll be laughing at those beginnings, but right now sometimes I go through the moments of despair lightened fortunately by bits of black humor.

     3. Yesterday I applied to another homeless shelter, for the support worker position. So it’s three now. The closing dates are somewhere in September, so only then I will know if I’ll have got shortlisted for the interview in any of them. My dream at the moment – to get this job, preferably in the shelter offering 21K a year (one of these three does), and then get to some University and do social work degree. In three years I can have bachelor. But this is a dream. Right now I have more burning issues. Not to get my underwear eaten by rats or to have fruitful dumpster diving eve:)

     4. This morning I had pretty good rounds. Usually I just force myself to chant, and often it’s dry, tasteless. But this morning I felt relaxed, “full” in some sense, I mean my emotions were serenity, peace, and feeling that Krishna is close. It’s so rare that I really tried to relish it, to remember it, to keep me going later, when things are “back to normal”.

     5. I feel bitter tonight. Impatient, bit angry (at the fate), anxious, lonely. I guess it can be seen here. I was considering not to write anything, but I want to be in touch (with myself and the readers, if any).

Janmasthami and after - a list

   

     1. Yesterday was Janmasthami. The day before I was planning to make this day special. To go to Soho temple, then to Sri Caitanya Saraswata Math, fast, chant extra rounds, focus on Krishna. But you know this feeling, when you get too enthusiastic, too “spiritual” and then you just can’t sustain it, and you drop hard? So that’s what happened. I went to Soho temple, but after few minutes I left. There were too many people, too much arranging, managing, organizing. So I just wandered aimlessly around London, glancing at girls. Ate falafel and noodles from a Chinese vendor that made me feel sick (noodles, not the vendor:). Then went home. Took me long time to fall asleep. And I kept thinking: “Krishna, do something. Get me sorted out. I’m so fed up.”

     2. This morning was pretty much the continuation of the yesterday blueness. I went to Sainsbury’s to get something sweet (bought Jaffa-cakes and mints). I got a scratch card too. I told Krishna, that £5000 would get me on my feet, and £10 000 would put me way ahead of the game. I enjoyed the faint dream only for a short while, didn’t win anything, so back to my debt-laden, impoverished, unemployed existence;)

     3. Eventually I focused on finishing the “Swami – a graphic poem” project. It took me a while. I listened to three of Swami’s talks to it. So it was then, when the lighting changed. The burdened feeling transformed into something light and nice. When I finished, I shared it with my godbrothers and godsisters. Their positive, welcoming reaction was very uplifting. I need to feel part of my family. It makes me happy and serene.

     4. Recently I’m experiencing pride of being a Gaudiya Vaisnava, or Guru Maharaja’s disciple. I mean pride in a good sense. The one that makes you grateful, I think.

     5. Tonight Jorge made a veggie stew and invited everyone. He’s a nice guy, Spaniard. Very sociable, wants to introduce to the squat the feeling of community, friendship. I like this kind of people. It was nice. We sat in the living room, ate the food (too spicy! my stomach is hurting:), and talked in Spanish. It reminded me old days, when I travelled around Europe, lived in weird places, meet all kind of people... Basically the same as now, but with the difference, that I enjoyed it then. I don’t like getting older. Just yesterday I looked at my grey hair and thought how fast it goes. And it got to me – it’s been three months away from Saragrahi, and I felt that it was stupid to be away, when our lives get shorter so fast. We should be together, live through it shoulder to shoulder.

     6. Listening to Chambao, “Pasta pa la costa”. Like that girl:)

     7. And another night has arrived. Night, night.

The samskara for risk

   



















     1. The first interview in London. It was only an agency, but I was happy. The girl who signed me up, Jo, was very personal, friendly, informal. From the first sight I liked her. She reminded me Sibila, Croatian head chef in a restaurant in Birmingham I used to work in. Bit rough, bit funny, straightforward, unofficial. Also I could tell she was hangover, which in this case was a good thing, because I can’t stand those stiff, bureaucratic, spotless dolls, who don’t really care for anyone.

     2. Got a contract with Three Mobile for 12 months. I have “contracts phobia”, so this is big step for me.

     3. Managed to listen to Swami’s two lectures on the train. Really good ones. The first one was from the Polish retreat 2012, questions and answers, and I was one of the people who asked question. I asked at what stage Krishna starts to look after his devotees personally. I’m not writing more, because I want to transcribe and run it here, on Little Gaudiya. I find it very relevant at the moment.
     In the second lecture Guru Maharaja said: “We should develop samskara for risk”. He meant that we should never become complacent on our path, and always look for new ways to come closer to Krishna, even if it means taking risks. “No risk, no gain”.

     4. I admit that I wish I could already rent something and get out of this squat. It’s just too bleak, grim, some people here are not completely sane, alcohol addictions, weed, ego trips. It’s not a place for a gentlemen:) But I’m sorry for the guy, who is kind of responsible for this place. Very good heart, he accepts all kind of people here, not charging, not having anything in return. He does it just to help (and to be less lonely I guess). But he has a terrible alcohol problem. He wishes he could stop, but just can’t, so for the whole day he pours inside beer, vine, vodka, at the end of the day being out cold. Sometimes he chants, he’s vegetarian, spiritually minded. He met Swami few years back, he went to Finland for a retreat. It was a big deal for him. He told me yesterday that he wanted to see Swami, but because he wasn't up to the standard, he wasn't let to. But he said, he got a flower, and managed to get past someone who didn't let him to see Guru Maharaja, and offered the flower to him. I don't know how much of this is true, but regardless it shows his samskara for bhakti, for serving and sadhu-sanga. Poor chap. I hope he gets better some time soon.

     5. Another day gone by. I was thinking today, that yes, this is a tough time for me - the last few months, maybe even couple of years, but I don't think I'd be able to try to get closer to Krishna so intently, if I haven't got smashed so hard. I'm not that brave to pray for troubles, as Kunti did, and if I had a choice, I'd say "the easier way, please". But since I have not much saying about it, I just try to appreciate it, see Krishna's hand.

Million Dollar Hotel

 

      1. Evening again. Someone is playing piano in the squat, amazing. And I can hear it’s not a recording, because there are small mistakes. If this were the ruins of an old castle, not a factory I’d start to believe in ghosts. I wonder who is that. I didn’t know that any of our “Million Dollar Hotel” residents has that skill.

     2. I’ve spent the whole day in here. After working out, rounds and breakfast I focused on sending resumes. I target homeless shelters too. Actually this is my dream for the last nine years. When I lived in Dublin in 2004, the idea came to me the first time and I tried, but without social care experience no homeless shelters wanted to employ me. Now I stand a chance I think. Why homeless shelter? I just really like social care. And the homeless people... I can relate on some level. I slept rough many times in my life, in homeless shelter too, and this world is little bit like a homeless shelter:) Lost souls trying to make home in the place that is temporary and strange to us.

     3. After the chores, I played Guru Maharaja’s lecture (the first one of the Polish retreat) and drew two small drawings for the blog.  Swami was asked about relating to two different groups of disciples – the shy ones, introspective, who may not search for the direct contact with him, and the ones who are always in front, doing things, being visible. Guru Maharaja said that he loves all his disciples. However he doesn’t impose himself. When people want to get closer, to know him more personally, to know “what this Swami is all about”, he’s up for it, he finds it attractive, but if someone prefers to stay in the background, he respects that. Still it doesn’t mean he’s not interested in that person. He thinks about him/her, figuring out how to help.

     4. Listening to Lisa Hannigan, really like her. Very sweet, lyrical, joyful (but sad too).

     5. I think that my English is ok, but I’m driven crazy by articles (“the” articles?!). In many cases I know how to use “the” or “a”, or nothing at all, but sometimes it just doesn’t make sense to me and I do it randomly.

     6. Saragrahi is drawing some new stuff. She almost finished the work for Bhrigu, now she will start something (cowherd boys and Krishna, playing football:) for Balaji, and then ten artworks for Roland. Good for her. I’m so happy that people start to appreciate her art.

 

Sunday

   

   






















      I like those lists. I can be as random as I want to be:)

     1. I went to the Sunday feast at Soho temple. There was a fiery bhajan, gurukulis beating the hell out of mrdangas, sweat, shouting, “ecstasy”, but I wasn’t able to feel it. I prefer coziness, small circle of trusted friends, chanting at the feet of Guru Maharaja. So much sweeter, safer, peaceful.
     2. On the train I had this sadness feeling, very strong, piercing. Saragrahi called me, told me about my nephews, one of them, Kuba, 11 years old boy, got some wounds that can’t heal properly for the last month or two, and generally he’s often sad, lost, more then child his age should be. I’m sorry for him and generally for all my relatives and close people. For all the suffering they have to go through, searching for happiness that will always elude them. I think this is one of the main reasons we don’t have kids.
     3. Just had a nice chat with a godsister. We shared some stuff about Swami, quotes from letters, and how he looks after us, how guru bhakti is becoming more important to us then Krishna bhakti, and how we can actually rely on his faith, while our own is still so weak.
     4. Still no job. Had to borrow some more money, because Saragrahi ran out. It is bothering, but I try to see this as Krishna’s mercy. Don’t have much choice anyway. I could see it as bad karma, or just a random misfortune, but it wouldn’t be much fun, I’ve done that before, so I prefer to think that this is Krishna trying to get me closer to him. Anyways something will come up eventually. I’m doing all I can.
     5. Cut my hair this morning. Always feel younger when I do that, even if my gray hair is showing more.
     6. Evening, almost 10PM. I hear someone’s steps in the hall, smell weed from my neighbor’s room, poor chap, Spaniard, so bright, handsome and strong, but spends all day just getting high, and laying in bed, smiling vaguely. Otherwise the factory is silent, peaceful.
     Good night.

Just a list

Evening list:

1. This verse:

icchet punas tadrsam eva bhavam
klistam kathancit tad-abhavatah syat
yesam na bhatiti mate 'pi tesam
gadhopakari smrti-dah priyanam
Brihad Bhagavatamrta

     One may want to feel that separation again, and may indeed feel distressed if one cannot. Thus a person who can remind one of a beloved not present is considered the most sincere and helpful friend.

2. I wrote a letter to Guru Maharaja, and received very inspiring, encouraging reply. It made me think about our relationship, things that make him happy. I feel that two things are important – yes, keeping my introspection, staying always in touch with the things I feel and think (sounds obvious, but it’s often not), but also moving into practical ways to serve Swami.  

3. Ekadasi – the second one in row I’m following. Made panir-tomato subji, offered some to Marta, Lithuanian devotee girl, who follows Ekadasi too, but didn’t manage to cook today.

4. Tried to watch World War Z, but it was so, so bad, that after 30 minutes I just turned it off. I was actually sorry for Brad Pitt.

5. Saragrahi told me on the phone that garden has cropped so well, that she can’t eat everything, she has to give away a lot. Today she gave a big basket of courgettes, pumpkins and scallopini squash to Aga. The thing is that the garden isn’t big, the soil is poor, and our place is in the mountains so the vegetation period is very short. Still there is such a plentiful of vegetables. It is possible to be self-sufficient. And imagine having land somewhere warm and fertile.

6. Feeling more self-confident and peaceful lately. I think it’s because of having some company, I’m just not made to be alone, I need people to be happy. And also focusing on sadhana, prayer. It makes me feel more balanced, fixed and looked after.

Lazy day

Lazy day
10.08.2013, London

     Lazy day, nothing really happened. I’d go to the city, but it’s expensive. I chanted rounds, exercised, then Petra and I cooked small feast for everyone (I made the peanut butter simply wonderful, it really works). I sent few job applications. Bhrigu wrote me that he’s coming to London next week, he’d like to meet, and apparently he’d have some small job for me for few days as his research assistant. I’ve got no idea what it means, but I’m happy to see him. Tomorrow I’ll go to the Soho temple to get the Śrimad Bhagavatam set with commentaries by Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur (only 40 quid!). This will weaken my finances considerably, but I can’t resist. I’m thinking that it may be a good opportunity to read Bhagavatam again and get some new insights from this commentary.

     Evening list:

     1. Slowly getting used to being on my own (without Saragrahi). “Getting used” it’s too much said, it’s more like I tolerate it better, without that much anxiety.
     2. Bit perplexed by the tribulations in our Polish sanga. I hope that some balance will arrive soon.
     3. Practiced a new bhajan on ukulele. I’m enjoying the thought that some day I might make use of it.
     4. I shouldn’t watch “Luther”, it’s too brutal and bloody for my limited violence intake capacity, but also it’s quite good, so I’m doing it anyway.
     5. Most of the time I feel that all that happens to me is very provisional, temporary, all stuff that I do, plan, etc. Like being a passenger, waiting for the train home, late at night, feeling bit alienated by the strange environment, smell of old cigarette smoke and coffee, indifferent, sleepy people. But holding to the thought that the train arrives shortly, so I’ll be home soon. It’s an unsettling feeling, I don’t really like it. I think most of all because it seems to be lasting for so long now. The good thing about it is, that I’m taking sadhana bhakti more seriously. I just finally hope to get this train to come and pick me up.
     6. My spiritual taste is very flickering and faint. When I’m down, I pray for grace with all my heart, but when I get just little better, I start to look around for some things other then Krishna. Don’t really know what to with it. I’ll just carry on and hope that the Name will purify me.