O Grace, where art thou

   

   















     Today I exchanged few words with my godsister. The topic was grace coming to us from above. She very nicely presented her sentiment in a poem, I will let myself to share it here, it’s beautiful:

To come across a friend of the soul

is the reassurance

of ten thousand loving arms

wrapping themselves around you.

     It made me realize that I don’t feel it in my life. I dream about it, have longing for it, imagine how it would be, even try to stimulate this sentiment by telling myself how lucky I am, to find Krishna consciousness, Guru Maharaja, etc. But deep inside I feel like a beggar, petitioning God to give me that experience (to no avail). Sometimes I’m challenging him. “I did enough. Now is your turn – prove your love. Why the burden of proving it should be laying only on my side?” I know – we are baddha jivas, the love is not our right, it’s a gift, we need to attract Krishna, anukulyena krsnanu, etc. But this is philosophical knowledge for me. Deep down inside I feel unfairly bereft of God’s grace, I feel like a lonely, lost, orphaned soul thrown into the cold ocean of the Universe.

     I envision loving, personal God, because without this idea the emptiness of the world would be very difficult to bear, if not impossible. I’m attached to Gaudiya Vaisnavism, because it makes very convincing case for this dream of mine (loving, personal God, eternal spiritual home), but I lack the experience. I’m not talking now about experience of my spiritual nature, I know I’m not the matter. I’m talking about the direct experience of God’s grace filling up my heart. To feel “ten thousand loving arms wrapping themselves around me”, as Tadiya put it nicely.

     I wish it came some day. There is something optimistic in all that (don’t think that I’m just being depressed here:). As I get to a certain age, it becomes more clear to me what are my deepest dreams and desires. And because of that I start to know what’s important, and also I have something to look forward. The grace must come at some point. It’s like waiting for Christmas.

Spiritual apathy, creativity and the big news at last!

 

    1. Last week experiencing spiritual apathy. It happens from time to time, and I feel that when it hits, I just have to wait it through, trying not to get too neurotic about it. It’s like Krishna, chanting and all, loses its charm, it feels empty, dry and pretty indifferent. Especially when the outside situation is bit stressful, then sadhana feels like an extra burden. It should feel like a shelter, but it hardly does. So anyhow I haven’t chanted for few days. Today, when the clouds of ennui dispersed a little, I managed my rounds and gayatri.

     2. On Wednesday I recorded a song. It’s just that when I’m really down, feeling that my self-esteem, sense of worth is almost non-existing, I try to do something creative. Sometimes it’s a drawing, maybe a poem, but at times I write and record songs. I like this medium very much. Making music and lyrics feels very tangible, solid, and often it has much more impact on others then for example a drawing. I guess it helps me to burst up the image of myself that I’m holding and which frankly speaking burdens me a lot. In therapy I discovered that it all comes from my unhappy childhood and lack of appreciation from my authority figure, but to be honest to be aware of that doesn’t really make a difference. I need to solve (accept) it now. The past is gone. The song is very lighthearted and playful -  it’s about love, dreams, my girl and about refusing to participate in the madness of this world.

     3. And the big news. Tomorrow is my first day in new job! My agency is sending me to a learning difficulties college, as a teaching assistant. It’s not too far from my place, maybe forty five minutes on the bus, the money isn’t too bad, the hours are cool – finishing at 4PM, which is perfect. If school authorities like me, they will take me for the whole year. So let’s hope they do. Having this job means that in a few weeks I’d be able to rent a room in a shared house (can’t expect to get a flat right now, it’s crazy expensive in London) and bring Saragrahi here, so in turn she will look for job. Hope it works out.

     4. Going to the city in a while, to the Sunday feast at Soho.

Sunday feast, rats, bitterness and stuff

     1. I’ve just came from the Soho temple. I went to the Sunday feast, to have darshan of the deities, spend some time with Vaisnavas. I stayed for the class. I was bit sorry to listen to it. Very watered down, tasteless, more of some cultural or moral Sunday school kind of a sermon, not Gaudiya Vaisnava philosophy. I understand it’s a Sunday class, so it’s suppose to be general, but I don’t talk about elevated rasika topics or anything like that. The basic talk can be deep too. I think it’s a general problem of Iskcon. There are not many good lecturers, who’d know GV siddhanta and know how to present it in an interesting, charming way. It’s pity. The older devotees should go deep into different sastras and travel to different temples and do seminars. To take for example Jaiva Dharma. This book alone could give material for years of seminars. Then Brhad Bhagavatamrta for example. Or studying Bhagavatam commentary by Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur. I feel little bit hypocritical, because I don’t do lectures myself, but I try to study, to get deeper into it and I feel that because of listening to Swami and reading his and Sridhara Maharaja’s books alone I can stand ground in GV theology quite well. The good side of today experience in Soho is that it got me inspired to study more carefully. I don’t want my presentation of Krishna consciousness be ever like that.

     2. Sometimes when I look through the window I see rats looking at me with curiosity. I wander if they do that now, in the evening, when I can’t see them. In any case I don’t leave windows open when I go out. I don’t want to have visitors. Some time in the future, when I get sorted out, with career, money, apartment, Saragrahi coming here, maybe with some extra education, I’ll be laughing at those beginnings, but right now sometimes I go through the moments of despair lightened fortunately by bits of black humor.

     3. Yesterday I applied to another homeless shelter, for the support worker position. So it’s three now. The closing dates are somewhere in September, so only then I will know if I’ll have got shortlisted for the interview in any of them. My dream at the moment – to get this job, preferably in the shelter offering 21K a year (one of these three does), and then get to some University and do social work degree. In three years I can have bachelor. But this is a dream. Right now I have more burning issues. Not to get my underwear eaten by rats or to have fruitful dumpster diving eve:)

     4. This morning I had pretty good rounds. Usually I just force myself to chant, and often it’s dry, tasteless. But this morning I felt relaxed, “full” in some sense, I mean my emotions were serenity, peace, and feeling that Krishna is close. It’s so rare that I really tried to relish it, to remember it, to keep me going later, when things are “back to normal”.

     5. I feel bitter tonight. Impatient, bit angry (at the fate), anxious, lonely. I guess it can be seen here. I was considering not to write anything, but I want to be in touch (with myself and the readers, if any).