A dry day

    I decided to revive my devotional blog. The truth is the inspiration after meeting Guru Maharaja is wearing off pretty fast. This writing could help me stay connected with bhakti little bit more. It helped before. Though I’m frustrated with my unsteadiness and lack of spiritual taste, still, meeting and listening to Swami, and also company of my spiritual family made me hopeful. Guru Maharaja gave me an instruction about my sadhana and I feel I’m able to adhere to it, even if the rest of my practice will be shaky. I’ll try to hold on to it and hope that with time things will get easier.
   So it’s my last week in Poland. On Monday I’m going back to London. I need to earn some money and that’s easier in England. It will give me some focus too. I’m actually excited about going back. In spite of its downsides I like London. I’m a village boy, who, after spending half of his life in the countryside, actually prefers big cities now. I like the crowds, long walks through old streets, cultural and ethnical variety. So yes, next week a new adventure starts. I’ve already got a job interview scheduled. I wrote to the same agency I used to work before and they are willing to take me back.

   List on a dry day:

   1. Today I cycled to town. I went to the post office to send to Saragrahi CDs with all the pictures from the retreat. She wants to print some and according to her the ones on line are processed too heavily. I attached to the CDs three of my drawings, one for Saragrahi, one for Radha and one for Bhrigu.
   Actually I miss writing and sending letters. In the old days, even ten years ago I had this habit of keeping correspondence with friends and family. Saragrahi and I used to send letters all the time, especially that we travelled a lot. When I moved out of the temple, my brahmacari friends, particularly Atma Nivedanam, used to send me parcels. There were letters, notes from the lectures, pictures of deities, even temple bread:) It was very sweet.
   2. While I was chopping wood today (Winter is Coming!), I listened to Swami’s lecture from the last Gopastami. It’s a celebration of the day when Krishna becomes a qualified cowherd boy (before he was herding calves, being too young to deal with cows). I like to listen, when Guru Maharaja mixes so skillfully siddhanta and emotion.
   3, Recently I’ve got a book of some Gaudiya Vaisnava swami from India. Very sweet, but there was just emotion, no philosophy, and immediately I got wary. I feel that Swami sets a very high standard and therefore it’s difficult for me to listen from someone else. It’s easier even to read Thomas Merton (because I know where he stands and what he offers) then some Vaisnava, who I don’t completely trust.
   4. Finally I started to read Sri Brhad Bhagavatamrta. I was always postponing it for some reason, but after the last retreat, I got inspired.
   5. I’m so dry today. Watching Star Trek (TNG) and eating. Need some action and company.

Spiritual apathy, creativity and the big news at last!

 

    1. Last week experiencing spiritual apathy. It happens from time to time, and I feel that when it hits, I just have to wait it through, trying not to get too neurotic about it. It’s like Krishna, chanting and all, loses its charm, it feels empty, dry and pretty indifferent. Especially when the outside situation is bit stressful, then sadhana feels like an extra burden. It should feel like a shelter, but it hardly does. So anyhow I haven’t chanted for few days. Today, when the clouds of ennui dispersed a little, I managed my rounds and gayatri.

     2. On Wednesday I recorded a song. It’s just that when I’m really down, feeling that my self-esteem, sense of worth is almost non-existing, I try to do something creative. Sometimes it’s a drawing, maybe a poem, but at times I write and record songs. I like this medium very much. Making music and lyrics feels very tangible, solid, and often it has much more impact on others then for example a drawing. I guess it helps me to burst up the image of myself that I’m holding and which frankly speaking burdens me a lot. In therapy I discovered that it all comes from my unhappy childhood and lack of appreciation from my authority figure, but to be honest to be aware of that doesn’t really make a difference. I need to solve (accept) it now. The past is gone. The song is very lighthearted and playful -  it’s about love, dreams, my girl and about refusing to participate in the madness of this world.

     3. And the big news. Tomorrow is my first day in new job! My agency is sending me to a learning difficulties college, as a teaching assistant. It’s not too far from my place, maybe forty five minutes on the bus, the money isn’t too bad, the hours are cool – finishing at 4PM, which is perfect. If school authorities like me, they will take me for the whole year. So let’s hope they do. Having this job means that in a few weeks I’d be able to rent a room in a shared house (can’t expect to get a flat right now, it’s crazy expensive in London) and bring Saragrahi here, so in turn she will look for job. Hope it works out.

     4. Going to the city in a while, to the Sunday feast at Soho.

Sunday feast, rats, bitterness and stuff

     1. I’ve just came from the Soho temple. I went to the Sunday feast, to have darshan of the deities, spend some time with Vaisnavas. I stayed for the class. I was bit sorry to listen to it. Very watered down, tasteless, more of some cultural or moral Sunday school kind of a sermon, not Gaudiya Vaisnava philosophy. I understand it’s a Sunday class, so it’s suppose to be general, but I don’t talk about elevated rasika topics or anything like that. The basic talk can be deep too. I think it’s a general problem of Iskcon. There are not many good lecturers, who’d know GV siddhanta and know how to present it in an interesting, charming way. It’s pity. The older devotees should go deep into different sastras and travel to different temples and do seminars. To take for example Jaiva Dharma. This book alone could give material for years of seminars. Then Brhad Bhagavatamrta for example. Or studying Bhagavatam commentary by Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur. I feel little bit hypocritical, because I don’t do lectures myself, but I try to study, to get deeper into it and I feel that because of listening to Swami and reading his and Sridhara Maharaja’s books alone I can stand ground in GV theology quite well. The good side of today experience in Soho is that it got me inspired to study more carefully. I don’t want my presentation of Krishna consciousness be ever like that.

     2. Sometimes when I look through the window I see rats looking at me with curiosity. I wander if they do that now, in the evening, when I can’t see them. In any case I don’t leave windows open when I go out. I don’t want to have visitors. Some time in the future, when I get sorted out, with career, money, apartment, Saragrahi coming here, maybe with some extra education, I’ll be laughing at those beginnings, but right now sometimes I go through the moments of despair lightened fortunately by bits of black humor.

     3. Yesterday I applied to another homeless shelter, for the support worker position. So it’s three now. The closing dates are somewhere in September, so only then I will know if I’ll have got shortlisted for the interview in any of them. My dream at the moment – to get this job, preferably in the shelter offering 21K a year (one of these three does), and then get to some University and do social work degree. In three years I can have bachelor. But this is a dream. Right now I have more burning issues. Not to get my underwear eaten by rats or to have fruitful dumpster diving eve:)

     4. This morning I had pretty good rounds. Usually I just force myself to chant, and often it’s dry, tasteless. But this morning I felt relaxed, “full” in some sense, I mean my emotions were serenity, peace, and feeling that Krishna is close. It’s so rare that I really tried to relish it, to remember it, to keep me going later, when things are “back to normal”.

     5. I feel bitter tonight. Impatient, bit angry (at the fate), anxious, lonely. I guess it can be seen here. I was considering not to write anything, but I want to be in touch (with myself and the readers, if any).

Janmasthami and after - a list

   

     1. Yesterday was Janmasthami. The day before I was planning to make this day special. To go to Soho temple, then to Sri Caitanya Saraswata Math, fast, chant extra rounds, focus on Krishna. But you know this feeling, when you get too enthusiastic, too “spiritual” and then you just can’t sustain it, and you drop hard? So that’s what happened. I went to Soho temple, but after few minutes I left. There were too many people, too much arranging, managing, organizing. So I just wandered aimlessly around London, glancing at girls. Ate falafel and noodles from a Chinese vendor that made me feel sick (noodles, not the vendor:). Then went home. Took me long time to fall asleep. And I kept thinking: “Krishna, do something. Get me sorted out. I’m so fed up.”

     2. This morning was pretty much the continuation of the yesterday blueness. I went to Sainsbury’s to get something sweet (bought Jaffa-cakes and mints). I got a scratch card too. I told Krishna, that £5000 would get me on my feet, and £10 000 would put me way ahead of the game. I enjoyed the faint dream only for a short while, didn’t win anything, so back to my debt-laden, impoverished, unemployed existence;)

     3. Eventually I focused on finishing the “Swami – a graphic poem” project. It took me a while. I listened to three of Swami’s talks to it. So it was then, when the lighting changed. The burdened feeling transformed into something light and nice. When I finished, I shared it with my godbrothers and godsisters. Their positive, welcoming reaction was very uplifting. I need to feel part of my family. It makes me happy and serene.

     4. Recently I’m experiencing pride of being a Gaudiya Vaisnava, or Guru Maharaja’s disciple. I mean pride in a good sense. The one that makes you grateful, I think.

     5. Tonight Jorge made a veggie stew and invited everyone. He’s a nice guy, Spaniard. Very sociable, wants to introduce to the squat the feeling of community, friendship. I like this kind of people. It was nice. We sat in the living room, ate the food (too spicy! my stomach is hurting:), and talked in Spanish. It reminded me old days, when I travelled around Europe, lived in weird places, meet all kind of people... Basically the same as now, but with the difference, that I enjoyed it then. I don’t like getting older. Just yesterday I looked at my grey hair and thought how fast it goes. And it got to me – it’s been three months away from Saragrahi, and I felt that it was stupid to be away, when our lives get shorter so fast. We should be together, live through it shoulder to shoulder.

     6. Listening to Chambao, “Pasta pa la costa”. Like that girl:)

     7. And another night has arrived. Night, night.

The samskara for risk

   



















     1. The first interview in London. It was only an agency, but I was happy. The girl who signed me up, Jo, was very personal, friendly, informal. From the first sight I liked her. She reminded me Sibila, Croatian head chef in a restaurant in Birmingham I used to work in. Bit rough, bit funny, straightforward, unofficial. Also I could tell she was hangover, which in this case was a good thing, because I can’t stand those stiff, bureaucratic, spotless dolls, who don’t really care for anyone.

     2. Got a contract with Three Mobile for 12 months. I have “contracts phobia”, so this is big step for me.

     3. Managed to listen to Swami’s two lectures on the train. Really good ones. The first one was from the Polish retreat 2012, questions and answers, and I was one of the people who asked question. I asked at what stage Krishna starts to look after his devotees personally. I’m not writing more, because I want to transcribe and run it here, on Little Gaudiya. I find it very relevant at the moment.
     In the second lecture Guru Maharaja said: “We should develop samskara for risk”. He meant that we should never become complacent on our path, and always look for new ways to come closer to Krishna, even if it means taking risks. “No risk, no gain”.

     4. I admit that I wish I could already rent something and get out of this squat. It’s just too bleak, grim, some people here are not completely sane, alcohol addictions, weed, ego trips. It’s not a place for a gentlemen:) But I’m sorry for the guy, who is kind of responsible for this place. Very good heart, he accepts all kind of people here, not charging, not having anything in return. He does it just to help (and to be less lonely I guess). But he has a terrible alcohol problem. He wishes he could stop, but just can’t, so for the whole day he pours inside beer, vine, vodka, at the end of the day being out cold. Sometimes he chants, he’s vegetarian, spiritually minded. He met Swami few years back, he went to Finland for a retreat. It was a big deal for him. He told me yesterday that he wanted to see Swami, but because he wasn't up to the standard, he wasn't let to. But he said, he got a flower, and managed to get past someone who didn't let him to see Guru Maharaja, and offered the flower to him. I don't know how much of this is true, but regardless it shows his samskara for bhakti, for serving and sadhu-sanga. Poor chap. I hope he gets better some time soon.

     5. Another day gone by. I was thinking today, that yes, this is a tough time for me - the last few months, maybe even couple of years, but I don't think I'd be able to try to get closer to Krishna so intently, if I haven't got smashed so hard. I'm not that brave to pray for troubles, as Kunti did, and if I had a choice, I'd say "the easier way, please". But since I have not much saying about it, I just try to appreciate it, see Krishna's hand.

Million Dollar Hotel

 

      1. Evening again. Someone is playing piano in the squat, amazing. And I can hear it’s not a recording, because there are small mistakes. If this were the ruins of an old castle, not a factory I’d start to believe in ghosts. I wonder who is that. I didn’t know that any of our “Million Dollar Hotel” residents has that skill.

     2. I’ve spent the whole day in here. After working out, rounds and breakfast I focused on sending resumes. I target homeless shelters too. Actually this is my dream for the last nine years. When I lived in Dublin in 2004, the idea came to me the first time and I tried, but without social care experience no homeless shelters wanted to employ me. Now I stand a chance I think. Why homeless shelter? I just really like social care. And the homeless people... I can relate on some level. I slept rough many times in my life, in homeless shelter too, and this world is little bit like a homeless shelter:) Lost souls trying to make home in the place that is temporary and strange to us.

     3. After the chores, I played Guru Maharaja’s lecture (the first one of the Polish retreat) and drew two small drawings for the blog.  Swami was asked about relating to two different groups of disciples – the shy ones, introspective, who may not search for the direct contact with him, and the ones who are always in front, doing things, being visible. Guru Maharaja said that he loves all his disciples. However he doesn’t impose himself. When people want to get closer, to know him more personally, to know “what this Swami is all about”, he’s up for it, he finds it attractive, but if someone prefers to stay in the background, he respects that. Still it doesn’t mean he’s not interested in that person. He thinks about him/her, figuring out how to help.

     4. Listening to Lisa Hannigan, really like her. Very sweet, lyrical, joyful (but sad too).

     5. I think that my English is ok, but I’m driven crazy by articles (“the” articles?!). In many cases I know how to use “the” or “a”, or nothing at all, but sometimes it just doesn’t make sense to me and I do it randomly.

     6. Saragrahi is drawing some new stuff. She almost finished the work for Bhrigu, now she will start something (cowherd boys and Krishna, playing football:) for Balaji, and then ten artworks for Roland. Good for her. I’m so happy that people start to appreciate her art.

 

Sunday

   

   






















      I like those lists. I can be as random as I want to be:)

     1. I went to the Sunday feast at Soho temple. There was a fiery bhajan, gurukulis beating the hell out of mrdangas, sweat, shouting, “ecstasy”, but I wasn’t able to feel it. I prefer coziness, small circle of trusted friends, chanting at the feet of Guru Maharaja. So much sweeter, safer, peaceful.
     2. On the train I had this sadness feeling, very strong, piercing. Saragrahi called me, told me about my nephews, one of them, Kuba, 11 years old boy, got some wounds that can’t heal properly for the last month or two, and generally he’s often sad, lost, more then child his age should be. I’m sorry for him and generally for all my relatives and close people. For all the suffering they have to go through, searching for happiness that will always elude them. I think this is one of the main reasons we don’t have kids.
     3. Just had a nice chat with a godsister. We shared some stuff about Swami, quotes from letters, and how he looks after us, how guru bhakti is becoming more important to us then Krishna bhakti, and how we can actually rely on his faith, while our own is still so weak.
     4. Still no job. Had to borrow some more money, because Saragrahi ran out. It is bothering, but I try to see this as Krishna’s mercy. Don’t have much choice anyway. I could see it as bad karma, or just a random misfortune, but it wouldn’t be much fun, I’ve done that before, so I prefer to think that this is Krishna trying to get me closer to him. Anyways something will come up eventually. I’m doing all I can.
     5. Cut my hair this morning. Always feel younger when I do that, even if my gray hair is showing more.
     6. Evening, almost 10PM. I hear someone’s steps in the hall, smell weed from my neighbor’s room, poor chap, Spaniard, so bright, handsome and strong, but spends all day just getting high, and laying in bed, smiling vaguely. Otherwise the factory is silent, peaceful.
     Good night.

Just a list

Evening list:

1. This verse:

icchet punas tadrsam eva bhavam
klistam kathancit tad-abhavatah syat
yesam na bhatiti mate 'pi tesam
gadhopakari smrti-dah priyanam
Brihad Bhagavatamrta

     One may want to feel that separation again, and may indeed feel distressed if one cannot. Thus a person who can remind one of a beloved not present is considered the most sincere and helpful friend.

2. I wrote a letter to Guru Maharaja, and received very inspiring, encouraging reply. It made me think about our relationship, things that make him happy. I feel that two things are important – yes, keeping my introspection, staying always in touch with the things I feel and think (sounds obvious, but it’s often not), but also moving into practical ways to serve Swami.  

3. Ekadasi – the second one in row I’m following. Made panir-tomato subji, offered some to Marta, Lithuanian devotee girl, who follows Ekadasi too, but didn’t manage to cook today.

4. Tried to watch World War Z, but it was so, so bad, that after 30 minutes I just turned it off. I was actually sorry for Brad Pitt.

5. Saragrahi told me on the phone that garden has cropped so well, that she can’t eat everything, she has to give away a lot. Today she gave a big basket of courgettes, pumpkins and scallopini squash to Aga. The thing is that the garden isn’t big, the soil is poor, and our place is in the mountains so the vegetation period is very short. Still there is such a plentiful of vegetables. It is possible to be self-sufficient. And imagine having land somewhere warm and fertile.

6. Feeling more self-confident and peaceful lately. I think it’s because of having some company, I’m just not made to be alone, I need people to be happy. And also focusing on sadhana, prayer. It makes me feel more balanced, fixed and looked after.

Lazy day

Lazy day
10.08.2013, London

     Lazy day, nothing really happened. I’d go to the city, but it’s expensive. I chanted rounds, exercised, then Petra and I cooked small feast for everyone (I made the peanut butter simply wonderful, it really works). I sent few job applications. Bhrigu wrote me that he’s coming to London next week, he’d like to meet, and apparently he’d have some small job for me for few days as his research assistant. I’ve got no idea what it means, but I’m happy to see him. Tomorrow I’ll go to the Soho temple to get the Śrimad Bhagavatam set with commentaries by Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur (only 40 quid!). This will weaken my finances considerably, but I can’t resist. I’m thinking that it may be a good opportunity to read Bhagavatam again and get some new insights from this commentary.

     Evening list:

     1. Slowly getting used to being on my own (without Saragrahi). “Getting used” it’s too much said, it’s more like I tolerate it better, without that much anxiety.
     2. Bit perplexed by the tribulations in our Polish sanga. I hope that some balance will arrive soon.
     3. Practiced a new bhajan on ukulele. I’m enjoying the thought that some day I might make use of it.
     4. I shouldn’t watch “Luther”, it’s too brutal and bloody for my limited violence intake capacity, but also it’s quite good, so I’m doing it anyway.
     5. Most of the time I feel that all that happens to me is very provisional, temporary, all stuff that I do, plan, etc. Like being a passenger, waiting for the train home, late at night, feeling bit alienated by the strange environment, smell of old cigarette smoke and coffee, indifferent, sleepy people. But holding to the thought that the train arrives shortly, so I’ll be home soon. It’s an unsettling feeling, I don’t really like it. I think most of all because it seems to be lasting for so long now. The good thing about it is, that I’m taking sadhana bhakti more seriously. I just finally hope to get this train to come and pick me up.
     6. My spiritual taste is very flickering and faint. When I’m down, I pray for grace with all my heart, but when I get just little better, I start to look around for some things other then Krishna. Don’t really know what to with it. I’ll just carry on and hope that the Name will purify me.

Program at the squat (that Gypsy life)

     Yesterday Radhika invited me to come over to her squat. They were organizing an event – some devotees and devotees’ friends invited Maha Visnu Swami. It wasn’t too far from my place, took me around forty minutes. I'm starting to get familiar with London transport. When I arrived they were just finishing cooking a big pot of kichari. They were bit scared that there is too much water, but I calmed them down, the rice was going to suck all of the water in, no worries. Most of the squat residents were Lithuanians, but there were also Spanish, Italians, English, quite a big group.
     When Maha Visnu Swami arrived, some of the squatters stayed aloof. Radhika told me that not everyone there likes devotees, and people even feel that there might be too much of Krishna in the space. We went to a small temple room, with Salagram sila on the altar (hmm, what the squatters mean, when they say "too much Krishna"? ;). Maharaja looked tired. As I found out later he came by bus, and it is pretty far from the Soho temple, so I was impressed, especially that afterwards he was going to take a night bus back to the temple.
     We had a kirtan (Maharaja has this funny/crazy accordion with lots of bells, ribbons, colorful fabrics:), introductory lecture, and prasadam. Then Radhika, Tedas and I accompanied Maharaja to the bus stop, making it a little night harinam. I was wandering if we’d get beaten up, the area looked bit rough to me, but no, people were reacting friendly to us.
     After Maharaja left it was already late so Radhika offered a place to stay. Normally I would be reluctant. I like to have my bed, my space, etc., but frankly speaking the last couple of months were so hectic, you know, changing the country, then from Liverpool to London, living in the old factory, I just don’t  care that much any more. I grabbed some old blanket, pillow, and I was ok. We talked till late, about Krishna, crisis of faith, life, etc. It was nice.
     This morning, after chanting rounds together, I took off, and spent the rest of the day home. My mood was little bit down, so I went to the Sainsbury’s and got myself an unnecessarily huge lemon cheesecake. Then I talked with Saragrahi on the phone, she cheered me up a little, then I got new sheets from Petra, a Czech devotee girl living on the ground floor, so my room became bit more civilized, and I even managed to listen to Swami’s lecture – I’m still on Catuh-sloka series.
     Buenas noches.

London sadhu-sanga

 

Gopesh, Madhukari and me, London, Gopesh' place, just after the lecture and halava:) And the pleasurable hammock! I'm getting it sooner or later.



     It’s been a very nice day. In the morning I went to Gophes’ place. I haven’t seen him since the Polish retreat in 2011, and we didn’t really talked that much then. We had a nice talk, he told me stories from the time when he lived in Audarya (like when the cows ate all the vegetable garden!), how he met Guru Maharaja, and generally about life in London. Then Madhukari came. She brought halava and cakes. In the meantime Gophes let us play with his hammock, which we did enthusiastically. Then we played Swami’s lecture – and for that I had to get out of the hammock because I started dozing after five minutes. After the lecture we talked some more, then had a short bhajan with my ukulele. Then Gopesh went to work, and Madhukari and I went for a pizza. We discovered that we both like Sacinandana Maharaja very much. Then we got lost, because apparently living 25 years in London isn’t enough to know the city (he, he, sorry, Madhukari:).

     It was already late afternoon and I decided to go to the Soho temple, to chant gayatri before deities, and then go home, but I met an old friend from brahmacari times, we haven’t seen each other for over 13 years I think, so we had a lot to talk about. I was so happy to discover that he likes Sridhar Maharaja and he actually became a siksa disciple of Bhakti Sundar Govinda Maharaja. He told me some nice stories about him. It was a nice meeting, we’re going to see each other soon.

     I feel like better times are coming. It feels that likeminded devotees are starting to show up around me, I’m landing in the places in some ways connected with Krishna, like even this crazy squat, every day there is some opportunity to talk or think about Swami or Krishna. I like how the things change. I feel like this actually grace coming from above. I know it sounds bit pretentious or bombastic, but I don’t mean it in this way. It’s more like appreciating or learning to see Krishna in even small things. I think it’s important. You know, trying to spot him around you, thinking that maybe he can get attracted by this.

     It reminded me the lecture I heard tonight on the train, coming home. I can’t find it, but it was more or less like this:
     “When you come to a rich man’s house, knock on the door and ask for money, he will give you some, and the send you away. If you come to him and ask for knowledge – how he made the money, so you could use this knowledge, he will say, ok, here it is, take it and go away. Then the third person comes to the rich man’s house. ‘Do you want money?’ the rich man asks. ‘No, I don’t need it’. ‘The knowledge then?’. ‘No, not really’. ‘So what do you want?’ ‘You. I just like you’. And the rich man is so amazed. ‘You want me? You like me? Come in!’”
      So inspiring. We can come up with so many things to ask Krishna, I do all the time, these days asking mostly for money, job and peaceful mind, but I’d like to start to find a way to endear myself to him. To break through the karma or jnana motivations. I know it’s high, and not my level, but I like to meditate on this ideal, so one day it will be really mine.
     Anyway, it was a nice day. Time to brush my teeth and go to sleep. Hari!
PS. Got a job interview for the next Tuesday!

First day in London - I'm a squatter!

 

     So I've arrived in London. I didn’t know what to expect, I wasn’t really sure what kind of accommodations were awaiting me. Basically it's an old factory building, with lots of rooms, corridors, corners. Dominik, the guy who looks after the place, gives the rooms to people either for free or for a small rent. The place is a mess and it stinks and it’s sticky and dark, but there is quite few people living here, some of them are apparently devotees of some sort, I have to enquire further into it, and it’s for free and close to the city center. Also it has a kitchen, shower, toilets, so it isn’t too bad. It will do for a while, until I sort myself out with a job. And if the smell and messiness get unbearable, I got an offer to move in with a couple of friends, but they live quite far from the city, so I’m not sure. Let’s see. After I arrived, I just took a quick shower and hurried back to the city, trying to make it to the Soho temple for the Sunday feast. I managed. I met with Radhika and we ate a big pile of prasadam. It was excellent. I haven't had this quality food for months.

     Saragrahi told me today about her darsan with Guru Maharaja. She was very happy finally to get a chance to talk to Swami. One of the points they discussed again is Swami’s willingness to come to UK. He said it twice already, so there is something in it.

     For the last few days I’m listening to Catuh-sloka series. Guru Maharaja again and again brings this point – it was personally Krishna, who appeared before Brahma. He touched Brahma’s hand like a friend. It was Krishna, not Visnu.

     After talking to Saragrahi, chanting and listening the talk, I had a little gratefulness meditation. Guru Maharaja told me once that right now we think: "Oh, why Krishna abandoned me, he doesn't care about me", but the day will come when we will think that we get much more then we deserved, we will feel that Krishna's grace is coming to us, even though we feel we haven't earn it. This is the generosity of bhakti. I'm far from this but I start to imagine that it is possible, sometimes, when I put my heart into it, I get those small glimpses.

"Wonderful, wonderful thing"

photo by Kamalaksa

      "It’s nice to practice, it’s good, it’s actually very special to be a sadhaka. You are not a siddha but you’re not a baddha jiva. And holding hands with other sadhakas... It’s very encouraging. It’s a wonderful life in itself.  Even if it doesn’t turn to anything more then that. It’s so nice. Sadhaka’s life. If properly understood and applied. Of course it does [turn to something else]. Krishna says it does for sure. And others standing like great light-houses in the night of the storm of material existence, encouraging us by their example, we see they have some ground they are standing on, they let go here, and they have support... So to be a sadhaka is wonderful, wonderful thing."
Swami B.V. Tripurari (Q&A, Ekadasi, October 2012)

     I have to print and hang it over my bed, and every day when I feel like a failure I’ll just look at it and remind myself – being sadhaka is a wonderful thing. Often it’s not easy, anartha-nivritti can be a painful process. I admit, at times when it was getting too hot in there, I was just quitting – placing bhakti somewhere in the attic and living different life, “going with the flow”, engaging in activism, secular social life or just taking everything easy, going for a pint or something. I hope that with time I’ll get better. Guru Maharaja talks about exercising our sadhaka deha.

     For the last couple of months I’m doing 40 minutes of fitness exercises in the morning. There is this lady on youtube and she’s a personal couch. I remember the first time – practically I fainted, I was grasping for a breath, perspiring profusely, and swearing at that women, who did all the exercises without even blinking. I didn’t even managed to get to the end that first time. And it wasn’t getting much better for the first few weeks. But I kept going, especially that Saragrahi did too, and I didn’t want to be left behind;) So this morning I was doing that series of exercises, and suddenly I realized I don’t even get the panting. I just go on, enjoying the effort.

     So I hope practicing our sadhaka deha is similar. It’s true – sometimes we discontinue our training for a while, so then, when we start again, it feels harder, but if we carry on, very quickly we get to where we were and then move further.

     Today I’m pretty stressed. I’ve already got tickets to London, leaving early in the morning. Fortunately I found someone to take over my room in Liverpool, so I have some money to get started. In London I’ll stay with a friend of a friend of a friend, so yes, I’m not sure how it will go, but I just try to rely on Krishna. I said it many times in my life, but these days I really mean it.
   
     Saragrahi told me today that she talked to Guru Maharaja, and told him about me going to London. Guru Maharaja suggested that in the future he could visit UK and do some programs here. I hope it will happen. We can try to tighten our little London sanga.

     PS. Kamalaksa just posted on facebook a group picture from the Polish retreat, and Syam Gopal a short video from Gaura-arati. I wish I was there. I miss them all so much...

Ekadasi and things getting brighter

   





















     I’ve just returned from the Radha-Krishna temple, the one I wrote about few days ago. It’s Ekadasi, and since this is the first one I’m observing for a very long time, I wanted to make it special. I downloaded an Ekadasi lecture by Swami (I think I’ll make a separate post about it, it was so charming and inspiring) and went to see the Deities. Or to be seen by them, as Guru Maharaja sometimes says:)

     I entered, paid dandavats, offered a fruit to Deities and then chanted Gayatri. I was about to leave, when someone called me. It was the main brahman/preacher of the Indian community here. I saw him few times before, but I have to admit I was little bit put off by what I though to be his proud appearance. Nonetheless I approached him in a humble manner.
     “Present yourself to me” said he.
     “My name is Kalpataru das”
     “And who is your spiritual master?” he asked.
     “Swami Tripurari”
     “And your istha-devata?”
     “Sri Caitanya” I said, but seeing that he’s not familiar with Mahaprabhu, I added “Krishna”.
     He seemed to be pleased.
     “Tell me, what are your guru’s teachings” he enquired further.
     I was pretty happy to have this conversation. Like from Jaiva-dharma, or something:) I miss that in every day life. I told him about our basic siddhanta – Krishna is the highest reality, jiva is his eternal servant, our aim is to attain pure love of God. He listened, then he started to preach. He was Krishna devotee, but there was lots of aiśvarya in his words. When he talked about Krishna, he obviously had in mind Dvaraka Krishna. Still I liked the universal touch in his preaching – that we are not Hindus, Muslims or Christians, we are spirit souls, and we should follow the sanatana-dharma, which is beyond all religious concepts. He very strongly stated that without spiritual master there is no spiritual life. Guru is even more important to us then God. I liked that a lot, especially that Guru Maharaja says it a lot. Then he looked at me sternly.
     “Do you think that Krishna is an avatar of Visnu?” he asked in a menacing voice. I shook my head in deny.
     “Krsnas to bhagavan svayam” I said.
     “Yes!” his eyes shone. “This is the right understanding! Krishna is beyond everything, he’s the source of everything!” Then he added: “But don’t disrespect other gods. They are Krishna’s different aspects.”
     He asked me to stay for arati, which I did. Afterwards I received some maha-prasadam. Then I went home. On the way, I did some shopping and then cooked pure ekadasi lunch.

     During the lunch I was called by Saragrahi. She sounds so inspired and alive. I’m so sorry for not being able to be there with her, Guru Maharaja and all the others. But on the other hand, because I’m can’t be there, somehow I think about Swami and Krishna more then I usually do. Oh, yes, it reminded me the other thing that the brahmana from the temple said today:
     “Do you think that Krishna can’t hear you? No, you are never separated from him. Whenever you think about him, at the exact same moment he thinks about you, and he thinks about you much more, then you think about him”.

     This is so weird (positively weird). I’m here, in the middle of nowhere, unemployed, lost in a big city, unmotivated, broke, but then suddenly, out of blue I’m ending up having this kind of deep conversation about Krishna. It’s almost like (or exactly like) because I’m searching for the higher connection at the moment, this kind of things start to happen. Someone may call it synchronicity, but to me it’s showing the personal features of God, who lovingly responds to our spiritual endeavors.

     I still want to move to London. Actually my mind is 100% there already. Yesterday I contacted some of my friends, asking about accommodation. Also I befriended on Facebook Madhukari and Gopesh, who are Swami’s disciples living in London. We had a quite long chat with Madhukari, she seems to be very nice girl, very friendly and open. We talked about doing some programs or listen to Guru Maharaja’s lectures together. There would be few of us there. Madhukari, Gopesh, Rama Caran and I think Gokulacandra, though he might not be living there anymore, I’m not sure. Then Saragrahi would join me. I hope it all works.

     What else? Saragrahi just got a big order for her art! Ten drawings and she can choose the topic of the series. Nice that she can make some money with her talents. I hope one day she can do just that for living. (And me too:).

London, baby?

   

     I’m seriously considering moving to London, at least to see how it's there. My room here, in Liverpool is paid until September the 5th, so I could leave some of my stuff here, taking to London only basic things, like ukulele and tooth brush:) The idea came today. I was chatting with a devotee friend who lives in London for couple of months. She stays in a squat, doing some odd jobs, busking... Don’t know what else. She said that another devotee might have a room for free that I could stay in and try to find a job there. She said she could also get me a bike, so I wouldn’t have to spent money for the commute.
     It is tempting I have to say. Here I feel so lonely, it hurts. I think in London there are even some of my god-brothers and god-sisters.
     Sometimes, when something doesn’t work, it’s good to reorganize, regroup and try something else. Let’s see what’s the situation with the flat, I’m waiting for a replay from that devotee, I wrote him today.
     This afternoon I was learning a Hare Krishna bhajan on ukulele. I picked one of my favorites, by BB Govinda Maharaja. I remembered the last year retreat with Guru Maharaja, the bon fire we had that time, bhajan, and I was thinking how nice would be to play it for devotees now. But it’s ok. The next year I’ll have a big collection of Hare Krishna tunes, I’ll make people happy:)
     I have an appointment for Monday to see a counselor. I’ve found this place, where they organize courses to rise self-esteem and help to deal with the negative thoughts. I thought why not to try, but after today conversation with the friend I think, I just need some good company. Still, if I don’t go to London, I’ll try it.

Look into my heart

   

     I’m having a pretty bad day. It might have something to do with the fact that Guru Maharaja’s visit in Poland has just started and I wasn’t able to be there with everyone else, which means that I wont see him for at least another year. Also still no luck with a job, and it’s been almost two months already.
     I’ve found this poem by Sacinandana Maharaja.


Don’t Trust Me
Sacinandana Swami

O my Lord
I think You know that I love only You,
although I pretend to love other people and things.
I think You know that when I am sad
it’s because I feel separated from You,
although if I am asked
I would give other reasons.
When I cry, it’s always because of missing You,
although my tears carry other names.

I think You also know
that I am only looking for You,
although I seem to be looking for other persons and things.

Yes, I am a divided soul,
searching for something in the east,
while going west.
I am a helpless soul,
forced by some other agent long ago
to play the double life of a devotee and a cheater.

But do You know why I am writing You this?
It’s because I want your special mercy.
Don’t believe my acts,
don’t trust my words,
but look deep into my heart
and You will see Your own beautiful image.

Friday "Sunday feast"

 

     I went to a Hare Krishna program yesterday. Once a month brahmacaris from Scotland come to Liverpool and organize a little festival. I was thirsty of Vaisnava company so I decided to go. It was quite nice. There was an Indian dance (don’t know which one, I know only how to distinguish bharat-natyam and it wasn’t it) performed by two girls, one was English, other Indian, there were bhajans, and amazing amount of prasadam. The amount is very important to me:) Sometimes even more important then the quality. If I’d have to choose between food that is delicious but scarce and food which is “ok”, but plentiful, I’d go for plentiful (yes, I know, sometimes I’m just a regular redneck). Still the food was nice. I liked that the brahmacaris let to participate everyone, there was even a guitar bhajan led by a girl who hardly new maha-mantra and needed to be helped with the “lyrics”.
     While taking prasadam I had a nice conversation with Sam, who is a sailor and a Christian. He’s a captain on a ship, organizing cruises for young people who want to know Christ little bit closer. I liked him. The way he talked about spirituality and God was very universal, I find it attractive. We exchanged the phone numbers, I’m going to visit his ship one of these days.
     Still no luck with a job. I had one offer, it was nice, money was good and the place too, but they wanted someone for night shifts, and there is no way I could pull it off. I’d be a zombie and anyway I want to be able to see Saragrahi or other people, and it wouldn’t happen if I started my job at 8PM and finished at 8AM.
     Today it’s Saturday, I’ve already sent some CVs, but it’s weekend so I don’t expect anything to happen. I’ll just go for a long walk around Liverpool, chanting rounds and listening to lectures, trying to be closer to Krishna.

"My boy, look at Me"

   

     The Lord is always there, even in the worst period of our lives. He is waiting, waiting to help us. We must only look up for His grace, with sincerity - with all sincerity. He is everywhere, waiting, “My boy, look at Me. Don’t make much of the external environment. I am here, very near to you. You have cast your focus aside, you have cast your consciousness outside. Make it internal and you will find Me here. Make it above. You are looking down to secure servants and comforts, but if you look up, for existence higher than you, you will find Me in that plane. Look up! Don’t look down, searching for servant’s.” 
Srila Sridhar Dev Goswami Maharaja “Inner Fulfillment” 

     It’s such a beautiful passage. This image – the Lord always waiting for us, wanting to help. It’s a very charming idea. God who wants us even more then we want him. All we need to do is to look up for his grace. He is independent, he casts his loving glance at us only when he wishes to do so. But as I understand it, he always does.
     This morning I went to Radha Krishna’s temple again. People there (all Indians) start to recognize me. I didn’t want to bring Krishna bananas or apples again, so I did some detour and eventually found a yellow, sweet melon in a supermarket. I felt like a little, excited kid when I presented it to the deities. I try not to think about it as a bribe, you know “Krishna, I’m in a predicament, could you uplift me, please, so I feel better?” Rather I think that by doing that, I’ll be able to see him more as a person, and then I can pray more sincerely, so he can hear me better, so he knows where to direct his grace... Yes, eventually I want to be happy. And I have some faith that I can be truly happy by connecting with Krishna.
     I wrote to guru maharaja asking about our relationship. Since I live on the other side of the globe, I don’t see him too often. Just once a year (not this year though), and that’s it. I listen to his lectures, read books, but I wish I could have something more. I wanted to do the transcribing seva, but I just couldn’t get my head around it. Anyway, I asked about improving our relationship, what I could do. He simply answered that he loves me.
     Sometimes I feel very fortunate.

Krishna is close

   

     Night is coming. The street is still noisy. Drunken voices from afar, my quarter is pretty dodgy, this morning lots of police, ambulances, they took some wretched man with foggy eyes, some woman was crying, a pale little child didn’t know what’s going on. It’s stuffy in my room, but I don’t open the window, it would be too much, too close to that world outside. Still I feel ok. Krishna is somewhere close. Swami just talked about Lord Caitanya’s transformation from a scholar to a madman, then initiated few fortunate souls. I listened and drew a small sketch with dancing devotee and Krishna watching him from a distance. The devotee doesn’t see him, but imagines that the Lord is close. And Krishna enjoys watching him, looks with a loving, friendly gaze. There is no other shelter then him. The fear and confusion come only when I forget it. Fill up my heart, dear Krishna. Wake me up, please.

From the Head To Spiritual Heart

 

     After a short break from this blog, let’s do some summarizing. I’m in the UK. The job hunting in Krakow didn’t work, we haven’t found anything. We realized that economical situation in Poland was worse that we had thought, and definitely we were not suited for it. I guess we got a bit spoiled by living in the first world countries, where you take some things for granted, like reasonable wages, employment, less bureaucracy, workers rights, etc.
    So eventually I told Saragrahi I’ll go England, and when I find something, I’ll bring her in. That was about six weeks ago. I’m in Liverpool now, renting a small room in a shared house, but somehow everyone left so I have this big house for myself. I’m sending CVs and applications around and waiting for what’s next. I’m looking for a social care job. I have a diploma in health and social care. Frankly speaking I can’t imagine doing different kind of work. Working for a capitalist enterprise as I did few times before, feels dry and empty. I’m, trying to get to a residential schools for children with learning difficulties. That was my last job in UK, when I lived in Bristol few years ago, and this is definitely my thing.
     It’s taking more time then I hoped, but I have my first interview this Wednesday, yes! It’s in a school, 35 hours a week, the salary is quite good, let’s see how it goes. I’ll try to make a good impression, the rest is in the Universe’s pretty hands:)

     Spiritually I wasn’t doing too well either. The Krakow failure put me down, financial debts made me anxious, and then this trip to England messed me up even more. You know – being alone in a new country, not knowing what’s coming next. I’m not dealing well with stress lately (for sure I’m not telling that in the interview!). And these last months are nothing but stress, so I got subdued by anxiety and depression more then I could have wished for. It reflected in my sadhana (which basically disappeared) and generally I felt left by Krishna again.

     But I kept praying, I always do, even if it’s just a desperate cry, not the sattvic meditation, and maybe because of that I got en email from a friend. He knows what my deal is, so he sent my a lecture by Sacinandana Swami, “From the Head To Spiritual Heart”. I don’t know if you know that swami, I always liked him, when I was in Iskcon and afterwards too. A very warm, enthusiastic, always smiling devotee. So I got that lecture and frankly speaking I didn’t think I could go through ninety minutes of spiritual talk, specially by someone who is not Guru Maharaja. But then I thought that since I was praying to Krishna for help, it would be stupid to turn down something like this. And good that I didn’t. It was amazing lecture, particularly for someone in my position.

     Sacinandana Swami wrote about his experience of suffering, when he was in hospital with some serious illness. He suffered greatly and tried to look for shelter in Krishna, but he couldn’t. He said, his heart was empty and dry, there was no Krishna at all. He went for a length with this description and I admit I started to cry, because he was basically describing my feelings for a long time now. It was very liberating to hear such a nice, advanced Vaisnava expressing feelings so similar to mine.
     And then, he said, something happened. He didn’t want to elaborate on the experience, I guess it was too personal, but he said that at one point, in the peak of desperation, he felt Krishna’s grace coming to him, filling him like a fresh water on the desert.

     It was amazing to hear about that, maharaja spoke about it in a very emotional, beautiful way. His experience made me feel very hopeful. Yes, that’s the problem – I lose hope too often. Usually it happens when I get slack with the spiritual practice.
    Then he spoke about doubts and faith. He said that by company of sadhus, three kind of doubts are removed. First – the doubt about God’s existence, then... I don’t remember exactly. There was maybe a doubt if God loves us? Nonetheless the idea was that doubts can disappear if we follow the spiritual path putting in it not only our head (to learn sambandha) but also the heart.

     This morning I went to a Hindu temple. It’s just few streets away, and they have beautiful marble Radha Krishna deities. I'm visiting the temple since last week, when I discovered it. Today I offered to deities a big pineapple and chanted gayatri in front of them. It felt nice, peaceful. My anxiety comes from the fact that I have no control over what’s happening around me, you know financially, economically, health-wise, etc. I feel great relief when I even just try to depend on Krishna. Telling him – do what you wish, I’m turning to you. It’s not an easy thing to learn, frankly speaking I find it to be the most difficult thing I have to do. But also the most rewarding.
     Karnamrita posted on Sri Caitanya Sanga this quote from Scott Peck, which I find very relevant to all this.

     "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways, or truer answers." M. Scott Peck

     And this is it. Very optimistic and comforting stuff. To all the people who are going through tough times in life – we are not broken. We are just being mended:)

     PS. Since I'm in the UK and broke, I wont be able to see Guru Maharaja this year, I can't go to the Polish retreat. I'm also sorry that I will not meet my godbrothers and godsisters. But I'll definitely try to be there with my heart. And Saragrahi promised to write down everything that will happen there, so I wont be completely cut off:)