Today is Valentine’s Day. It happened to be rather spiritual. Not that I tried hard, but it’s true: problems bring you closer to Krishna. When there is no other shelter, you kind of don’t have a choice. He seem to be the only person, who can give relief.
The last couple of weeks were bit stressful. Few things piled up. I found out that I have to leave the apartment, because landlady wants it back. I’m broke, so it wasn’t easy to find a place. London isn’t the cheapest. But we found a cool flat (we-Petra and I. We decided to stick together as roommates and friends for a while). It’s a property guardian deal. We stay in an old laundry, huge place, like a warehouse, with few other people, we pay reasonable rent and we are able to stay in a big space, lovely area, by the canal (Kensal Green), close to the centre and only 15 minutes bicycle ride from my work, and we help to keep the place nice and free of squatters.
So that worked for us, though still we have to borrow money for the next month’s rent. Yesterday and today, we’ve decorated rooms with some Indian rugs, Christmas lights, and blankets to make it cosy. We were lucky to receive free matterace and heater from an old, black lady who lives in the neighbourhood and wanted to get rid of some stuff. In the basement of the Laundry (as I’m going to call our new house) we found a desk, some odd chairs, and few other pieces. So now the flat looks like a home (Gypsy home).
Another stressing thing is my knee. I had a long walk couple of weeks ago and since then the knee gives me troubles. I was hoping it would get better with time, but two weeks passed and it hasn’t improved. Timing couldn’t be worse. Petra still hasn’t got a job, I’m working through agency, so don’t get paid when sick, and on top of that I got interview last Friday (got the job), but I can’t start new position from taking time off.
In other words it is a bit of a mess.
But on the other hand I seemed to be ok, not touched too much. I chant every day, listen to Swami’s talks, try to channel my emotions to Krishna. I feel lonely, miss love I was getting in my marriage, but the times it was overwhelming me completely are gone. I’m able to look from some distance at it all, and when longing and loneliness hit, I turn to prayer or Swami’s lectures, and it helps.
I started with Valentines day. So after cooking and sorting out the room, I played Swami’s lecture. Petra listened with me. She needed some help with terminology and Sanskrit, and I was more then happy to help. Then we had a little chat. I admitted to her that though I like Guru Maharaja’s clear, objective and straightforward message, sometimes, during vulnerable moments, I feel like I need something warmer, cuddly, making me feel loved now, as I am, not in the distant future, when I’ll have managed to purify myself and developed mature bhakti. Petra said that she liked the lecture, she felt more balanced after listening straight philosophy. Then she suggested that we listen to Sacinandana Maharaja’s talk. I like him, I think he’s the only Iskcon guru that I feel comfortable to listen to, so I agreed. First we chanted a round together, then we listened to him. It was a nice, simple talk, about how good position, money, happy relationships, education makes us proud and he compared it to negative numbers. When all these things are gone in devotee’s life, he’s getting closer to zero, which means understanding his helpless position. And from that point he can go to positive numbers: real bhakti. It reminded me the analogy Swami often uses, also about positive and negative numbers, though he uses it differently.
Yes, Swami may seem at times difficult to take. He’s not trying to make things prettier then they are, he’s not patting his students on the back, and he doesn’t make motivational talks. He speaks straight, describing things as they are, he’s not aiming for “feel good” message. It’s not his style. But I wouldn’t change it for anything. Because firstly, I like to know the truth, however unpalatable, I don’t like to be handled like a child. I like it this way: “That is material world, this is Krishna, and that’s where you are” And secondly: at times he may be rough, talking about our position on spiritual path, but then he starts to speak about Krishna, Radha, Lord Chaitanya, Nityananda, Vaisnavas, and then his eyes shine with emotions and this feeling is contagious. He creates in my heart spiritual longing. He makes me think: I want to be there. I want to free myself from self-centredness, and love Krishna and Vaisnavas as he does.
