Step by Step

    It’s a completely subjective account of the festival. Because of that you may find that I omitted some events or haven’t given justice to a service of some devotees. Please, don’t feel bad or offended because of that. I appreciate presence and involvement of all my brothers and sisters, by whose actions this festival could happen at all. 

Step by Step
Swami B.V. Tripurari retreat
Poland, August 2016

sadhu-sanga-krpa kimva krsnera krpaya
kamadi ‘duhsanga’ chadi suddha-bhakti paya
                                           CC Madhya 24.97

   One is elevated to the platform of bhakti by the mercy of sadhu-sanga (Sri Guru and Vaisnavas), and by the special mercy of Krsna. By their mercy one gives up all material desires and all unfavorable association and is thus elevated to the platform of pure bhakti.


1

   It’s been four long years since I saw Swami last. Many things happened on the way. Painful ones but definitely full of lessons. Only if I was ready to see them as such. And I still wasn’t sure if I was.
   Should I go or should I stay? I made a little list in my confused head.
   Cons:
   1. I will have to stand in front of guru maharaja and explain all the mess.
   2. I will have to face my failed marriage.
   3. I will be have to swallow my pride before my whole spiritual family.
   Pros:
   1. I will have to stand in front of guru maharaja and get charged with inspiration.
   2. I will have to face my failed marriage and move on at last.
   3. I will be have to swallow my pride before my whole spiritual family and finally get it over with.
   What a hell, let’s go!

   Premarnava picked me up in Bielsko Biała. I exchanged hugs with Nityangi and Nitya-lila, stuffed my backpack in the trunk and off we went. We had about five hours of drive ahead of us.
  I always felt at ease in the company of Prema and Nityangi, we knew each other for a very long time. With Prema basically we joined Krishna consciousness together, we were both affiliated with Iskcon and then we had a good fortune of meeting Swami. We  witnessed each other’s ups and downs for about twenty years. I knew Nityangi for about the same time. With Nitya-lila I met only once before, but I liked her straight away. Very modest, lovely girl, with cool sense of humor.
   Our mood was excited. Prema put on some house music. Mixing spiritual talks with our usual friendly prajalpa we got to Jelenia Góra, where we spent the night in the hostel. After the night of a nervous sleep we continue our journey and arrived in Biały Dom (White House) before noon. We were the first ones.

   Before festival list:
   1. Last weeks and months preparing for the retreat: reading sastras, chanting more regularly, trying to give up or at least limit bad habits, which had grown all over me like a moss.
   2. Few months cycling in the mountains with Swami’s lectures on mp3. Nothing better then going down the hill with full speed for ten – fifteen kilometers, and hearing about Lord Caitanya’s reasons to come to this world. 
   3. Trying to quit electronic cigarettes. To no avail.
   4. Studying eleventh canto of Srimad Bhagavatam with commentaries by Srila Visvanatha Cakravarti Thakura and so much finding Swami in it.

   After arriving I pitched my tent in the bushes. I would prefer to stay in a dry, warm room with some company, but as usually I was completely broke, couldn’t afford a room. On the other hand I enjoy my privacy too, so I couldn’t really complain. The soil was dump and overgrown with weeds but I managed to make myself comfy.
   I admit I felt stressed. I haven’t seen guru maharaja for few years, I almost forgot what to expect. Also it was the first time since the divorce that I was about to meet with Saragrahi and her new family.
   I knew I could be useful in the kitchen but I needed to stay alone and get ready. I crawled into the sleeping bag and started to read Steven King’s “Dallas’63” to chill out (unsuccessfully).
   Then I heard them coming. I went out, nervous as hell, and I did it. It was much easier then I thought. Bhrigu and his daughter were standing on the parking lot. We hugged and exchanged some pleasantries. I was really happy to see him. In the past retreats we always hanged out together and I missed his mature and relaxed presence. Saragrahi was already in the kitchen. It was very emotional moment for both of us, but very sweet too.
   So that was done and I could focus on the festival now.

  I can’t remember what the first lecture was about. I was considering making notes, but on the other hand I wanted to be present in the moment. It was good to see and hear guru maharaja again. I sat in the front of the crowd, which was always my habit: to be closer to him and also to make myself more visible. “Here I am, guru maharaja, your useless disciple, not so bold in your presence.”
   When the lecture finished I approached Swami.
   - Hare Krishna, guru maharaja. Will you have time to talk to me later?
   Swami nodded with smile.
   - That’s what I came for.
   I wanted to talk in general about my situation and the desire to stay some time in Madhuvan. Also I wanted to ask if I could hear my mantras again, since I wasn’t looking well after them for the last few years. I think I heard guru maharaja to say once that it was an option.
   Then I sang Gaura-arati, which I had completely forgotten, had to help myself with the song book. I was so nervous that I almost forgot panca tattva mantra. While desperately trying to remember what goes after “prabhu Nityananda” I thought in anguish what the devotees would think about me now. Fortunately after picturing panca tattva in my head, Advaita, Gadadhara and Srivasa found a way through my shrank brain.

  











    Gopa Kumara list:
   1. Story of Gopa Kumara will always be my favorite. When guru maharaja tells it (and I heard it from him many times), I can’t help tears coming to my eyes. This time it wasn’t different. When he tells it, it doesn’t feel like a story. Swami’s eyes shine, big smile comes to his face, it’s ever fresh and exciting to him.
   2. Gopa Kumar, or rather Sarupa finds out that he’s in Radharani’s camp. One day she calls him and sends him to Earth to pick up some devotee and bring him to her. That is mind blowing. I’m sitting there and thinking about spiritual samskaras and I hope this one will imprint on me for good.
   3. After the lecture, Premarnava comes to me, his eyes dump and shiny. “Man, it really moved me” says he. “I haven’t feel anything like this for ages”. “I know” I answer. “We are so bloody fortunate, can you imagine that?” he says. Nothing to add to that.

2

   After the morning program Madhu Pandit came to me and said that guru maharaja wanted to go for a walk with me and to show him where he could use wi-fi (the place we were staying didn’t have any internet).
   I couldn’t believe my luck. Only the second day of the festival and I get that! I rushed to Swami’s room. He handed me his laptop to carry and led the way.
   We went up the hill. It was sunny morning, we were surrounded by green mountains, smell of Polish late summer (freshly cut grass, moist earth and fallen leaves).
   “So what’s up with you, Kalpataru?”
   I didn’t know where to start. I explained my personal situation in some detail. Guru maharaja was serious and serene. He approved my idea of spending some time in Madhuvan. He said it would be good for my spiritual life and that I shouldn’t be afraid, it isn’t like Iskcon ashrama. About a week ago I told him in a letter that I was scared of losing independence, so I guess he was pacifying me in this way.
   After he checked his email, on the way back, I got bit brave (or bold).
   “Guru maharaja, I don’t know if it is an appropriate question, but I would like to ask you something. We are struggling here with our samskaras, desires. We are anxious, we make bad decisions, we suffer its effects, we are never happy or peaceful. Please, could you tell me, how is it to be on the other side of the trouble? How does it feel to be free of all of it?”
   I felt that maybe it was an overkill and I blushed, cursing myself for being an nosey idiot. However guru maharaja didn’t seem to be bothered. He smiled and stayed quiet for a while.
   “You know there are many things. One thing is compassion. You see what people go through and you are very sorry for them. Another thing is that you have to learn some relativity. I mean, I can see what could help someone. I look at some devotee and I clearly see what could really help him or her. But in most cases I see that they are not ready to accept what I have to say, so I need to leave it.”
    He became quiet again. We walked for maybe a minute and then he said:
   “Relief. But… It’s not just relief. It’s so, so much more”.

3

   As usually kitchen was the coolest, funniest place. Head chefs were Nityangi and Hari Prasad, but there were others too, especially Nitya Lila, Saragrahi, Mayapurcandra, Bhagyavati, Udharani, also Gokulacandra and Anadi Krsna cooking for our Swami and Ashram maharaja. I was visiting them often. Sometimes helping (not that much), sometimes cooking (once- but my caramel lemon peel halava came delicious:), and mostly just chatting with people.

  I have to say that prasadam was delicious. There was basically a feast twice a day, followed by a late supper, which I had to skip, because usually after a ten course dinner I wasn’t able to eat anything till the next morning. It seemed that Nityangi and Hari Prasad were having a competition who would win devotees’ tongues. It was amazing. Samosas, korma, different kinds of subjis, cakes, dahls, soups, salads, pickles and what not. One day Mayapurcandra and Bhagyavati made pizzas for everyone. I was afraid there wouldn’t be enough but eventually I got three and almost died.

4

   I was happy to finally meet Swami B.A. Ashram maharaja. I followed his posts on internet for few years and I was appreciating his relaxed, friendly nature, bereft of aisvarya often seen in sannyasis. Nothing wrong with aisvarya, but it scares me at times.
   We had few opportunities to chat during the meals. One night he shared with us how he became a sannyasi and also how he feels about it. It was genuinely straightforward and humble. The next day someone asked him during Q and A session to tell us what sannyasa means for him and he elaborated more. He made it clear that his marriage was successful and Krishna conscious. I imagined how difficult it must have been to leave loving wife, home and giving this all up, becoming wandering sannyasi, depending fully on Krishna. Such a sacrifice. It scared me to even think about it. Maharaja said that one of the reasons he did it, was to show us that it was possible. At that moment I felt gratitude. Is it possible that one day I could get there? Seems unlikely, with all the luggage I carry, but on the other hand I feel that I can’t limit the mercy of Guru, Vaisnavas and bhakti.

 So it happened that Ashram maharaja had birthday. Bhagyavati made a cake (amazing cake, I think I never had a better one. Creamy but light, fruity, moist, with coconut cream, blueberries. I’m dribbling all over keyboard, writing this).
   First guru maharaja made a little speech in appreciation of Ashram maharaja, who was sitting and looking down in humility. It was very sweet and inspiring. Then we all sang “Hare Krishna to you”, accompanied by ukulele (Mayapurcandra and Anadi Krsna made sure the music was high quality) and then Madhupandit came with the cake. We all went to the dining room, where cake was distributed. I have to admit that I was properly in maya. Looking at the small size of the cake and the number of devotees assembled I almost cried. Bhrigu was distributing plates with small pieces. In my greedy dubiousness I was passing the plates further along. It looked as if I was serving, but the truth was I was sending away the small pieces, waiting for a big one, that I would keep. I cheated myself, because the pieces kept getting smaller and smaller, and finally I settled with a little bite, afraid that otherwise I might not get any.
   Maharajas loved the cake too, you could see how they enjoyed. It was a very special moment.

   Special list:
   1. Morning programs with guru maharaja. In the past retreats I was participating in, Swami wasn’t coming for the kirtans, so now for me it was a new experience. I was observing how he focuses on the songs, full of emotions and energy. Swami seemed so youthful. I liked when we were sitting for a bhajan and he signaled to us to come closer and closer. It made a very intimate mood. 
   2. Here again I was thinking about the spiritual samskaras we collect from a guru. I feel the limitation of my vision, but I understand that the imprints from spiritual master go through the coverings and eventually will give us realization.  
   3. Every morning guru maharaja was reading for us from Sacred Preface. He was picking a random page and read few paragraphs. I noticed how he touched the book to his forehead with respect. I realized then, that he doesn’t see it as his book, but Krishna’s.  
   4. On the last day, something I never thought before hit me hard. Swami said in the lecture that he follows Srila Prabhupada externally and internally. And then I remembered the energy and colorfulness with which he always talks about priyanarma sakhas. 

5

   I was wandering if I should talk about my last darshan with guru maharaja. It is said that some things should be kept private. On the other hand I have this desire to share with others. I know how it helps me to read journals and personal accounts of Vaisnavas, I think that mine can help someone too. I’m still trying to find a balance between the two sides: introvertic and extrovertic. I will say just few words.
   After the last evening lecture, on Friday, I approached Swami and reminded him about hearing my diksa mantras again. He told me to come the next morning.
   After morning program on Saturday I went up and I started to pace in front of guru maharaja’s door, chanting (and thinking). My heart felt heavy. I’m asking guru maharaja to tell me my mantras again, but am I fit? Am I going to follow the principles from now on? Sure? What about my rounds? With every minute I felt worse.

   When finally Swami called me in, I paid obeisance and told him what bothered me. That I don’t want to be a hypocrite, I’m not following fully with the number of rounds or regulative principles. I try to improve, and want to do some service, but I’m not steady in my practice.
   Guru maharaja’s reaction was very calm and sober. He smiled. I imagined how he must see me: like a small, silly child, who tries.
   “It’s ok, it’s a step by step thing. Just try your best and gradually you will get better. And with time try to chant more.” And then he gave me some personal instruction to follow.
   I felt so relieved.
   Then he showed me to come closer and he whispered mantras into my ear. I paid dandavats and left. That was the last I saw him.

 



















   The last list:
   1. Radha, Bhrigu’s daughter - I adore that kid. Every time I was around her, I felt that my child's side was coming out and I played with her all kind of silly games. I even did for her my monkey dance publicly, which until then only few (un)fortunate souls witnessed. I think that Bhrigu must have got annoyed with me, for encouraging her to be naughty, but I didn’t mind to be “the cool ex-husband of my new mum”:)
   2. One day the whole bunch of us went to a big swimming pool. We waited for about an hour in a queue, but it was totally worth it. I almost drowned, because I ignored a sign on one of the rides that said “only for people who can swim”. The guard had to pull me out of the deep water (when I say deep, I mean 180 cm). It was equally scary and embarrassing. But the best moment was when maybe ten of us started to play tag in a circular pool with a strong current. Basically we took over the whole pool and indulged in madness in front of condemning eyes of general public. I think we did it for about forty minutes. I don’t know why we didn’t get thrown out. Then Bhrigu and me enjoyed sauna, though I enjoyed more, and Bhrigu just kept saying how sauna is much better in Finland. Which I’m sure it is:)
   3. Talking with Ashram Maharaja I told him that when I started to listen to guru maharaja I felt that he’s Noam Chomsky of Gaudiya Vaisnavism. The same kind of calmness but fire as well, intelligence, charisma. Ashram maharaja agreed with me.
   4. On the last day Hari Prasad and I did a psychedelic devotional jam session, while Karanam, Rasana and their kids were packing their stalls. Pity I’m going back to UK, I would love to spend some time with him in Krakow (he’s looking for a co-chef in his new restaurant, and he wants someone from our sanga, so think about it:)
   5. Little thought. It is very difficult for me to make new relationships. Usually I stay on the side, interacting with devotees I already know and I’m tuned with. And I’m avoiding some. But on the last day, seeing all of our family together, singing bhajan, I felt deep inside, how nice is to be together, circling around Swami. He connects us on such a deep level.
   6. The way back was a happy/sad experience. Kam Bijay joined us in the car. All of us were tired. Nityangi tried to sleep, Nitya-lila sitted quietly (which she often does), Kam Bijay chanted softly, Prema tried not to wake up Nityangi, so he stayed quiet too.
   I was very happy to be there, I didn’t want the ride to finish. I knew that it would mean the end of the festival, this time for real.
   I hope to carry it with me, until the next one.

*Photos by the courtesy of Premarnava das and Hari Prasad das

Swami - a graphic poem

Swami

One devotee asked another: „Could you, prabhu, tell me this:
Is your guru a pure Vaisnava, purely merged in Krishna’s bliss?”

“Does his voice choke when he’s chanting, does his hair stand on end?
Maybe if there’s no one around, does he cry, by prema rent?”

“In the night, when the world is sleeping, can he travel through space?
Like Narada Muni himself, can he fly to Krishna’s place?”

“There, on Vraja’s grazing lands, where the sakhya story strands,
Is he playing ball with Krishna? Is he laughing with his friends?”

“Or maybe even after dusk, she sneaks out through the open window,
And then in a grove by the riverside, she talks with gopi so and so?”

The queries ceased, the silence fell, they looked each other straight in the eye.
“So what you say? Please, don’t be shy. Is he a chrysalis or a butterfly?"

“I’m not silent, because I’m shy. Don’t take my wrong, I’m a stand-up guy.
I’ll answer straight – I just don’t know, but nevertheless, my best I’ll try.”

“Every time I meet my master, he speaks of Krishna, nothing else.
Is this a sign of siddha? Maybe. For me indeed, a lot it tells.”

“When I’m plunged into the darkness, which sometimes happens, I must say,
He’s there, to throw the life preserver, and  haul me back, to Krishna’s bay.”

“When I look at him and see, how much for Krishna does he live,
I see my prospects and like him I very much would like to be.”

“Then I look at sisters, brothers, the comrades on this superb path,
I see them shining, shining bright, with love and wisdom, what a sight!”

“So when you ask, how big is he, I cannot tell you, forgive me.
But I can give for sure this touch – if I only loved Krishna half that much...”

"I Carry What They Lack"

Swami BV Tripurari
23.07.2012, Czarnów, Poland

1 
The scratch on Krishna's head

     The question is, does Krishna maintain only his advanced devotees, and everybody else has to take care for themselves? (Swami laughs) There is a famous story surrounding the verse I cited from a ninth chapter.

Ananyas chintayanto mam ye janah paryupasate, 
tesham nityabhiyuktanam yoga-kshemam vahamy aham 
(Bg. 9.22)

     The story goes like this. Some of you may know it. There was a devotee, who was very much the devotee of Gita, who studied the Gita regularly, and meditated on every word, its meaning and so forth, as it’s recommended in the conclusion of the Gita, where Krishna says: “Those who study it with their intelligence”. And the benefits of such, fruits of such.

     Contemplating this verse, “yoga-kshemam vahamy aham”, which says “I carry what they lack and preserve what they have”, he thought, this must be wrong. This must be interpolation, where some word has been changed. Because the idea that Krishna will carry (vahamy) what the devotees need, can’t be, because he’s the supreme God. So he thought, that he [Krishna] will get it done. He changed it to karomi. Somehow through his agency, his energy, through his power, his expansion, something like that. So he scratched out the word vahamy and wrote karomi. Then he went out, as he would daily, to the market place, to beg for fruits, vegetables, rice, and so forth. He was a brahman, and he was very, very poor. He went, and he was not having much success.

     After some time, while he was still in the market, a young boy came to his home, with the bushel full of fruits, and grains, and vegetables, and so forth. The wife opened the door and said:
     “Who are you?”
     “Your husband sent me here with all these items for you to prepare lunch”.
     She was very charmed. She invited him in and took the foodstuffs. And then she noticed that he had a little scratch on his head.
     “Oh, you are so beautiful, how did that happen?”
     “Your husband did that, he hit me”.
     “How could he do that?!”.
     Then the boy left, she cooked, and the husband came home.
     “What are you cooking? Where did you get the food?”
     “The nice boy came, the one you sent here, and brought all the food. But why did you hit him?!”
     He said:
     “What are you talking about?”
     So he scratched his own head, thinking what’s going on. Then he went back to take shelter of the Gita, as he would, and there he saw that the word karomi, that he had written in, was crossed out, and the word vahami was written back in again. So he could understand that Krishna personally came, and when he scratched out the word, Krishna got a scratch on his head, it showed up in this way. So this story is told to make a point that Krishna actually personally takes care of his devotees. And we should not try to, as this gentleman did, to philosophize that point away.

2 
We will starve out heaven!

     But the question does arise, as you have asked, what kind of devotee does he do this for? Is it for all devotees? Or only very advanced devotees? I think that the teaching is, that for all devotees, and all devotees should think like this: Krishna will take care of me. Krishna will maintain me. Because actually this is the central hub of the angas, the limbs of śaranagati. And śaranagati, or surrender, submission, it corresponds with śraddha, or faith. Śaranagati is the outward expression of the internal reality of one’s faith. And faith is not the end of bhakti, but it is beginning of bhakti. When Krishna says in the Gita “sarva dharman parityajya, mam ekam śaranam vraja”, he’s talking about the beginning of bhakti. And he instructs: don’t take shelter of any other god or goddess, only me. “Sarva dharman parityajya”, you may take shelter of them only in relation to me. Take shelter of me alone.

     This has to be cultivated. This is the svarup laksan, the primary characteristic of śaranagati. We find it manifested in the Govardhana-lila. In the Govardhana-lila, the inhabitants of Vrindavan were pursuing their maintenance by way of petitioning Indra, and Krishna interfered with the yajna, and established himself as the maintainer, and demonstrated it practically by manifesting himself as Govardhana Hill, and teaching the devotees that Govardhana Hill is providing for devotees, so what do we need Indra for? And just see, I am the Govardhana Hill. And who is Indra in compare to me? He’s a small thing. He’s nothing. In that yajna and in the lila glorifying Govardhana, Krishna said: we will prepare food and feed Govardhana Hill, and then, after Govardhana is satisfied, we will feed everyone else. Everyone, all the bhramans, all the people, all the animals. Everyone, except him! He was pointing. Except this guy, Indra. We will starve out heaven! (Swami laughs) We will make heaven fast. Such is my position.

     As you know, in that lila, Krishna was given the name Govinda. Which means, among other things is Upendra, it’s the same meaning. Who is the lord of Indra. The God of the gods. Krishna established himself as such in this lila, before everybody. “I am the maintainer for my devotees. In Vrindavan I take care of everything for everyone, those who are surrendered to me”

     So this is not the point to be embraced only by advanced devotees, but by the beginning devotees as well. Of course at the same time we say, that advanced devotees don’t have any needs. So Krishna is of the hook (Swami laughs). He doesn't have to provide for them. They don’t have any needs. Of course the advanced devotees, they have the need to have union with Krishna. They are suffering the dark night of soul, and separation, and it is for them, that Krishna comes to the world. Just like there are always souls in this world under the influence of karma, always have been, always will be, so there are always sadhakas in the world also. Anadi sadhaka you can say (Swami laughs). It has some beginning but that one can be traced out (Swami laughs). (...) So he comes for the sadhakas, whose sadhana, whose practice has reached a certain point. That they can not go on without having union with him, as he manifests, and as a side effect he establishes dharma. Therefore it is so important to us to be attached to those devotees. That’s where Krishna’s attention has been drawn.

     So they have that need, and he personally... No one else can possibly provide that necessity for them. No other god or goddess could step in and say “I’ll take his place”. Not even the Paramatma could take his place.

3 
It’s for everybody

     Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur in his “Raga-Vartma-Candrika” poses the question. How will Krishna, who is lost in the love, in Radha’s love, love of inhabitants of Vrindavan, to the extent that he does not even know that he’s God... He thinks “I’m the son of Yaśoda”. He doesn't think “I’m God”. Under the influence of their prem. This is real Krishna. This is the svayam bhagavan, the supreme personality of Godehad. He does not think, he’s the supreme personality of Godhead. So Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur poses the question: how will he hear the prayers of his sadhakas? And then he supplies an answer to test us, to see if we are ready to tread the raga marg. He says “Well, the Paramatma could hear the prayers and then pass them on”. So if we go “Yes, that makes sense, I could deal with that”, then we can understand, well, we are not fully qualified to tread the raga marg. The raga marg respons would be: “I can not tolerate that! My prayers, my complete dependence on Krishna would be answered by the Paramatma? If so, then I have to make Paramatma Krishna! Syamasundaram acintya-guna-svarupam. I have to make him appear in my heart then.” Something like that. They can have no other God before them (Swami laughs). God says in the Bible: “You shouldn’t have any other god before me”. The devotees have this idea: no one except Krishna. Maybe Caitanya Mahaprabhu, yes, but he is Krishna. That is another thing. He is Radha and Krishna combined. (...) So he’s our deity.

     But the idea is that we all depend on Krishna, this is our stand in bhakti, and this is our stand from the day one. Now, from the day one we have other necessities then just the union with Krishna. We are not even suffering from separation. We are suffering from other things. We are suffering from things that get in the way of our resolve to take shelter of Krishna. So, should we employ someone else to remedy our situation? Well, we may. We may to one extend or another, relatively speaking. We may take medicine for example, because we are sick. We don’t say: why don’t you just chant Hare Krishna? But this is not outside of the idea of taking shelter of Krishna. Because the sadhaka will think: “There was a time when I could say: I’m not this body. Now I can say: my body belongs to Krishna. And I belong to Krishna. So I must take care of this body that belongs to Krishna”. It is a sadhaka deha, it’s not a material body anymore. It’s a sadhaka deha, it’s a body in transformation. Body moving away from the influence of the maya śakti, the external energy, into the influence of the internal energy, the svarup śakti.

     So one will think, “I have to take care of that body”. We find that gopis are very concerned with how they look. They are dressing themselves very nicely, and so forth, but only because they want to please Krishna. There is no vanity in that. So we will stand before the mirror and proudly put the tilak, very strongly, mark the body that belongs to Krishna.
     So if other things appear to be useful to us in terms of our identification with the sadhaka deha, for making it more fit, both, the subtle mind and gross senses, then we will employ these things, but in that consciousness we are not taking shelter outside of Krishna. If my sadhaka deha has a headache, and because of that I can not think about Krishna, I can take the aspirin. Something like that.

     So this is the consciousness that we cultivate, as dependent upon Krishna. Goptrtve varanam tatha, Krishna is my maintainer. Even when there is apparent taking shelter of other things, the appropriate disposition and thinking of the sadhaka is such that he’s actually thinking of Krishna. And depending on Krishna. And doing something in the service of Krishna only.
     So we need to conduct ourselves in such a way that this tendency to take shelter of Krishna, depend only on Krishna comes within us. Therefore it is said for example in the second Canto of Śrimad Bhagavatam... Śukadeva Goswami explains to Maharaja Pariksit all types of worship. If you want this, worship this god, if you want that, worship that god, if you want good health, worship the Sun god, and so forth. After going through the whole list, he says:

akamah sarva-kamo va
moksha-kama udara-dhih
tivrena bhakti-yogena
yajeta purusham param
Bhagavatam 2.3.10

     He said: the real siddhanta, that I’m teaching is this: whether you have no desires, or you have all kinds of desires, or you desire liberation, in any case, do bhakti yoga to Krishna. Let the tendency to take shelter of Krishna come within you.

     Sometimes devotees think, that my material situation is such, that if I just had few more things, I’d be in a better position to practice bhakti. Of course we can practice bhakti in any situation, but we may be disturbed in our mind, thinking that if I could just get a partner, I’d be more whole and able to spend my full energy in bhakti. Something like that. But should I pray to Krishna to get a girlfriend? What would Swami think about that? Someone may think, he shouldn’t pray to Krishna to get a girlfriend, but you better pray to Krishna then not (Swami laughs). Because by praying to Krishna you will get more then a girlfriend or boyfriend. You will get the tendency to depend upon Krishna.

     We should think like this: Krishna will take care of me. Even for the things that I don’t need, that I think I need, in the context of bhakti, I should pray to Krishna for those things. So it’s for everybody.
     Of course the extent to which Krishna is in our lives and we are living in that consciousness, then we will actually start to feel and experience that Krishna is taking care of me. So it’s for everybody.

First day in London - I'm a squatter!

 

     So I've arrived in London. I didn’t know what to expect, I wasn’t really sure what kind of accommodations were awaiting me. Basically it's an old factory building, with lots of rooms, corridors, corners. Dominik, the guy who looks after the place, gives the rooms to people either for free or for a small rent. The place is a mess and it stinks and it’s sticky and dark, but there is quite few people living here, some of them are apparently devotees of some sort, I have to enquire further into it, and it’s for free and close to the city center. Also it has a kitchen, shower, toilets, so it isn’t too bad. It will do for a while, until I sort myself out with a job. And if the smell and messiness get unbearable, I got an offer to move in with a couple of friends, but they live quite far from the city, so I’m not sure. Let’s see. After I arrived, I just took a quick shower and hurried back to the city, trying to make it to the Soho temple for the Sunday feast. I managed. I met with Radhika and we ate a big pile of prasadam. It was excellent. I haven't had this quality food for months.

     Saragrahi told me today about her darsan with Guru Maharaja. She was very happy finally to get a chance to talk to Swami. One of the points they discussed again is Swami’s willingness to come to UK. He said it twice already, so there is something in it.

     For the last few days I’m listening to Catuh-sloka series. Guru Maharaja again and again brings this point – it was personally Krishna, who appeared before Brahma. He touched Brahma’s hand like a friend. It was Krishna, not Visnu.

     After talking to Saragrahi, chanting and listening the talk, I had a little gratefulness meditation. Guru Maharaja told me once that right now we think: "Oh, why Krishna abandoned me, he doesn't care about me", but the day will come when we will think that we get much more then we deserved, we will feel that Krishna's grace is coming to us, even though we feel we haven't earn it. This is the generosity of bhakti. I'm far from this but I start to imagine that it is possible, sometimes, when I put my heart into it, I get those small glimpses.

"Wonderful, wonderful thing"

photo by Kamalaksa

      "It’s nice to practice, it’s good, it’s actually very special to be a sadhaka. You are not a siddha but you’re not a baddha jiva. And holding hands with other sadhakas... It’s very encouraging. It’s a wonderful life in itself.  Even if it doesn’t turn to anything more then that. It’s so nice. Sadhaka’s life. If properly understood and applied. Of course it does [turn to something else]. Krishna says it does for sure. And others standing like great light-houses in the night of the storm of material existence, encouraging us by their example, we see they have some ground they are standing on, they let go here, and they have support... So to be a sadhaka is wonderful, wonderful thing."
Swami B.V. Tripurari (Q&A, Ekadasi, October 2012)

     I have to print and hang it over my bed, and every day when I feel like a failure I’ll just look at it and remind myself – being sadhaka is a wonderful thing. Often it’s not easy, anartha-nivritti can be a painful process. I admit, at times when it was getting too hot in there, I was just quitting – placing bhakti somewhere in the attic and living different life, “going with the flow”, engaging in activism, secular social life or just taking everything easy, going for a pint or something. I hope that with time I’ll get better. Guru Maharaja talks about exercising our sadhaka deha.

     For the last couple of months I’m doing 40 minutes of fitness exercises in the morning. There is this lady on youtube and she’s a personal couch. I remember the first time – practically I fainted, I was grasping for a breath, perspiring profusely, and swearing at that women, who did all the exercises without even blinking. I didn’t even managed to get to the end that first time. And it wasn’t getting much better for the first few weeks. But I kept going, especially that Saragrahi did too, and I didn’t want to be left behind;) So this morning I was doing that series of exercises, and suddenly I realized I don’t even get the panting. I just go on, enjoying the effort.

     So I hope practicing our sadhaka deha is similar. It’s true – sometimes we discontinue our training for a while, so then, when we start again, it feels harder, but if we carry on, very quickly we get to where we were and then move further.

     Today I’m pretty stressed. I’ve already got tickets to London, leaving early in the morning. Fortunately I found someone to take over my room in Liverpool, so I have some money to get started. In London I’ll stay with a friend of a friend of a friend, so yes, I’m not sure how it will go, but I just try to rely on Krishna. I said it many times in my life, but these days I really mean it.
   
     Saragrahi told me today that she talked to Guru Maharaja, and told him about me going to London. Guru Maharaja suggested that in the future he could visit UK and do some programs here. I hope it will happen. We can try to tighten our little London sanga.

     PS. Kamalaksa just posted on facebook a group picture from the Polish retreat, and Syam Gopal a short video from Gaura-arati. I wish I was there. I miss them all so much...

The Great Advaitin

The Great Advaitin

     The great Advaitin, Madhusūdana Saraswati, concludes his commentary on this chapter with the following remark: „I don’t know any other reality than Krsna, whose hands are adorned with a flute, whose luster is like that of a new rain cloud, who wears a yellow cloth, whose lips are reddish like the bimba fruit, whose face is beautiful like the full moon, and whose eyes are like lotuses… Those fools who cannot tolerate the wonderful glory of Krsna go to hell.”

(Bhagavad-gita. Its Feeling and Philosophy, 

Swami B.V. Tripurari, 15.20, purport)

     I like what guru maharaja does here. This is what makes his Gita so special to me, so broad and brave. I remember I read somewhere the criticism against Swami for placing in the commentary on Gita the references to the commentary by Madhusudana Sarasvati, who is an impersonalist. 

     This is such a misunderstanding. Isn’t it appealing to read a “great Advaitin” saying: “Those fools who cannot tolerate the wonderful glory of Krsna go to hell”? How I see it, is that the beauty, charm, sweetness, lovability of Krishna are such, that even someone who is philosophically convinced and situated in Brahman, can’t resist. What sweetness is there in the light, emptiness, freedom from pain? Not much. The mind is peaceful, the desires are not biting - calm, space, silence, serenity - but it seems that the soul can’t find his full prospect there. He needs more. He needs the blues.

     Another thing is, how masterly Swami does it. He shows great respect for the spiritual school so different, opposite or you could even say at times hostile to ours and in the same time elegantly establishes the superiority of Vaisnava doctrine. In his purports to few previous verses he establishes this superiority philosophically, sastrically, quoting from Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur, Baladeva Vidyabhusana, explaining differences between different purushas, etc. It is very scriptural, solid. But in the last paragraph of the chapter what he does? He says (at least how I see it): “Whatever – believe what you want, have your own interpretation, your own bhasya, but the truth is, Krishna is just the best. That's it.”

     So inspiring.

     As for Madhusudana Sarasvati himself, I like him. His attraction for Krishna pops here and there. I guess he must had been going trough a tough existential crisis. “Is Brahman superior? Or is Krishna? What will happen with me when I reach perfection? Merging with the Light? Well… it’s nice, great, isn’t it what I want?  But… that Krishna, he is so charming, so sweet, cool, funny, pretty… Could I just serve him eternally? But how could I? The identity is temporary, illusory, there is no I, there is no him, there is nobody, we are all one… Oh, dammit!”

A Beautiful Festival

     These days they say that story shouldn’t start from the beginning. If you want to intrigue readers you better pick it somewhere in the middle or even in the very end. Well I don’t know how this tale ends (I can only hope for the best), and it started like for all of us – in the dawn of time, long before the memory can reach, there was a wandering lost soul and a sadhu with a merciful heart. Maybe some adventurous Portuguese merchant of old stepped out of his ship in the Bombay’s dock and passing near an old Vaisnava mendicant casually threw him a copper coin and the Vaisnava smiled. Or maybe a young prostitute from Dar es Salaam gave a mango fruit to a young immigrant boy running through the dusty, African streets, whose father happened to be a worshipper of Visnu and later offered that fruit to his beloved deity. Or maybe once there was an ugly puppy dog trudging near the temple… There is beginning to all our journeys.

     But let’s start from the middle…

* * *

     The sadhu stepped into the temple room and I realized that my heart is as messy as the last year, when I saw him last. I still liked Jeniffer Connely, stories about Sandman, I wasn’t reading labels on the chocolate bars, I was still choosing the bigger, preferably biggest piece of something (whether a piece of cake or a samosa) instead of leaving it to the next in the cue, I was thinking about the last episode of Game of Thrones or Dexter while chanting, or I had days I wasn’t chanting at all…

     That made me to blush. I remember quite distinctly that exactly one year ago I promised myself that from now on I will try to progress more then ever, this time properly. It haven’t exactly work as I wanted it to, but hey, here he was again, and so was I, so there was no reason to despair. I was embarrassed, but I knew there is always a chance to have a new start. Apparently the offer never expires.

     Swami looked around. His eyes moved slowly through our faces tense with anticipation. He smiled.

     “I’m happy to be with all of you again. This morning we will talk about the first verse of Brahma Samhita”…

     And like this it went for this extraordinarily short but intense week.

* * *

     “You want to hear original Indian jokes? But I warn you, they are very particular” said Bhrigu. Recently he came back from India. He spent several months in Calcutta studying Bengali and doing some university stuff that the wise people do. Apparently he picked up also some good stuff to share with us, mortals.

     “Sure, shoot” – said I. There were few of us at the table looking at him with expectation. Saragrahi, Premarnava, Syam Gopal, I think the Fins too.

     “So… (But remember I’ve warned you)… There was this Indian gentleman. He came to work with a bloody nose, black eye and torn out shirt. “What happened?” his colleagues asked. “I was on the bus looking at my wife’s picture” – he answered. “And…?” “Well, I dropped the picture to the flour…” “And…?” “And there was this women and the picture fell at her feet” “So what?” “So I leaned and said to the lady: excuse me, could you lift your sari? I want to take a picture. And then I was beaten up by a whole bus”

     We burst with laugh though I wasn’t sure if ladies appreciated the slight blueness of the gag.

* * *

     Initiations! When the beaming, excited and smiling devotees with fresh dhotis chadars and shinny saris sat in front of Guru Maharaja, I felt tiny stab of jealousy. Nothing major, I just thought it would be nice to have it every year – to seat in front of Swami, imagining the new name which will mark you for life, waiting for him to tie tulsi mala on your neck, hoping that the fastening wont work so the intimate moment will stretch in time, or just feeling happy and honored to have his attention.

     There were six initiatiates: Mathuranatha, Gopananda and Udharania were getting second initiation, Makhancor and Sammohini first and second and Lila Smriti first.

     After painting tilak on Lila Smriti’s forehead (she was the first one), Swami reached for a stamp with Krishna’s name.

     “In some sampradayas new initiates are marked with red-hot iron…” he paused and we laughed. “But in our love sampradaya we are not that bad” and he pressed the stamp to Lila’s forehead.

     After the initiations Saragrahi and I came to Krsangi.

     “Did you also had the tilak painted on you by Guru Maharaja when you were initiated?” – I asked her with mocking indignation.

     “I know!” she answered, picking up the joke. “We want our tilak and stamp!”

* * *

     One evening Guru Maharaja decided not to give a talk and to take some rest instead. It was decided that Tadiya will lecture us in his place. “She is a great lecturer, you will see” said Bhrigu. She protested the idea but I’m not sure that she had much to say about it – the news spread like a fire and in couple of hours everyone knew that Tadiya was going to do it. I never heard her talking… I mean, I’ve heard her talking (though not as much as I wish I’ve have), but not officially.

     Immediately after she started, I knew I was going to like it. It was sadhaka speaking to sadhaka in a very simple and clear way. I admit that at times I’m getting lost in Guru Maharaja’s lectures. As he himself says “sometimes these talks are too high for some and too low for others.”

     Tadiya spoke about Haridas Thakur and the prostitute that was sent to seduce him. “Haridas Thakur was an outsider. Sometimes we feel outsiders – we might seem alienated, separated from devotees, unworthy, and Haridas Thakur was a real outsider. He was Muslim, untouchable to many, he was even forbidden to enter the temple. And yet Lord Caitanya took him in his arms. So even us – we can be embraced by Him.”

     She inserted also some personal stuff about jealousy. “Some, like Krsnangi, may go to Madhuvan and on the first day they eat ice cream with Guru Maharaja and listen to his lecture, or actually doing both simultaneously, and some, like me, may see him briefly only after three weeks of being there” she laughed and we all laughed. “But we should think like this – I will stand up in front of Guru or Vaisnavas with an open hands, begging them to fill it with their mercy. And even if they don’t give us anything, we will still stand and wait, forever. And if they do, we will take the nectar and distribute it to others”.

     There was something very simple, moving and deep in that, especially that I myself struggle with this kind of jealousy. I liked it very much. Tadiya is such a sweet devotee.

     She ended with a saying, I wrote down in my diary:

     “Every sinner has a future and every saint has a past”.

* * *

     Late evening.

     “Premarnava, what you say about some nice prajalpa?” I said mischievously. “Let’s visit the guys”. By “guys” I meant Syam Gopal, Gokulacandra and Radha Caran living in the room next to ours.

     “Why not?” said Prema. So I went quickly to tell Saragrahi that we are having the “guys night out”, told her good night and left.

     “The guys” were still up. We made ourselves comfortable.

     “What’s up? Discussing something interesting?” we asked.

     And then, though we were (or at least I did) seriously trying to have some mundane discussion, we were ending up with krsna-katha. It was transcendentally freaking.

    Let’s say I was saying “The centralized political power and the concentration of capital are main sources of problems…” and in about a minute we were like “And then I became pujari and it was awesome” Or “You wanna hear a ghost story?” and after few moments we were “Imagine that we are living in this unlimited, giant universe, and beyond it there is Goloka with all those free and happy devotees”. Something like that. In the end we realized that we are stuck with Krishna for that evening. It was kind of mystical and also kind of funny.

* * *

     “You wanna help me in the kitchen tomorrow?” Bhrigu asked Saragrahi and me. He said it with a big smile of a sankirtan devotee trying to sell Bhagavad Gita to a rich fat businessmen.

     “I thought that Kamalaksa and Krsangi are helping you” – Saragrahi said. “But yes, we would love to.”

     “They might come too, but Kamalaksa isn’t too happy with this kitchen” he answered.

     “Ok then, tomorrow we come” – I said.

     Next day we came straight after the Guru Maharaja’s class. Without moving his eyes from the pot in which he was stirring something heatedly, he said with a serious, slightly menacing voice: “Shoes”. We looked at the dirty, muddy, cold flour, but we didn’t dare to say anything. The shoes had to stay outside.

     “Kalpataru, you cut the cucumbers for raita. Saragrahi, prepare the eggplant”. The orders were issued. Little bit nervous we went to assemble items for our chores. Since Saragrahi used the equipment for cutting the cucumbers before, we swapped our duties (after asking the head chef for permission of course).

     “If I knew I was going to see the “other” Bhrigu, I wouldn’t volunteer for this” – Saragrahi mumbled to me in Polish.

     I decided to start a conversation. I looked at the eggplants I was cutting.

     “You are going to deep-fry them?” I asked casually.

     “Yhmm” – he answered. I took it for a “yes”.

     “Do you know the technique to prevent them for getting soaked with oil?” The discussion about culinary secrets will definitely change the atmosphere, I thought.

     Bhrigu looked at me sternly.

     “I like them soaked with oil” he said and return to stirring.

     Aaaaurghhh… I couldn’t stand it any longer. I took a bowl of puris dough and emptied it on Bhrigu’s head…

     Ok, I didn’t. But I would if Krsangi didn’t choose that moment to join us.

     “I’m here to entertain you” she said with a smile and opened her notebook. “Let’s go trough my notes from Guru Maharaja’s lecture”. And it was entertaining. Bhrigu was cooking all morning so he didn’t come to the class. Step by step we retraced for him the points made by Swami.

     Actually the lecture was amazing. I mean at first I was completely lost. The quantum physics is a bit too much for me, I’m more an artist then a scientist, and after half an hour I started to switch off my brain, but then Guru Maharaja started to talk about Govardhana puja. I have to admit, that since I’ve heard that story for about three hundred fifty times, I thought that I might get bored, but… I wasn’t.

     Swami started slowly to warm up. He was jumping to different side stories, like a skillful swimmer, gesturing, making faces, laughing, making philosophical points, quoting sastras, joking.

     Sitting there, listening about cowherd boys going home with the gifts given to Krishna by demigods, and then boys telling their parents where they got all the stuff from (“There was this guy with four heads, and the other one, covered with eyes, making commotions with his hands, and also…”), I knew and I felt that Guru Maharaja is talking about actual events, not just some stories from old, moldy books. He talked about it with such an enthusiasm, that I could almost physically feel like my deep-rooted agnosticism and skepticism are withering away. It was like taking deep breaths after bobbing up from the ocean. I loved it.

     So eventually Bhrigu relaxed so much that even my unshapely, weird puris didn’t freak him out, and for few hours four of us shared life stories, jokes, and more or less spiritual realizations.

* * *

     There were these two girls who came to the festival. They were students, slept in the car, and seemed to be kind of interested.

     After one of the morning lectures, Guru Maharaja looked seriously at one of them.

     “Why did you come here?” he asked.

     Of course the girl was little bit nervous. I would be.

     “I’m not a devotee, I just wanted to see what is all these about” – she answered soberly.

     Guru Maharaja looked at her for a moment.

     “I know you” he said.

     That was unusual. Where did Swami knew her from?

     “I saw you in a dream, before I came here” – he said. All eyes in the room opened widely. And Guru Maharaja left, without explaining further.

     Couple of days later I sat next to the other of the two girls.

     “So what’s your story” I asked. “How did you know about this festival?”

     “I didn’t” – she said. “I just heard about the Siva temple being in this area and I stumbled on this retreat”

     Wow, I thought to myself, talk about a good luck.

     “But I’m glad I got here” the girl continued.

     “How come?”

     “Well, I was looking for Siva temple, because I decided that this year I will finally choose my spiritual path. I thought that Siva was God, but here I’ve found out that he is just the best devotee of God, Krishna, so, I’m just happy to find it out, before I went the wrong way”.

     I looked at her with amazement and awe.

   

* * *

     So here it is. I don’t think you can even call it a story. Just few scraps taken from a middle of the book. There could be more. After all a week is a reasonable amount of time. “Ulysses” has hundreds, hundreds of pages and takes place only during one day.

     So I could mention the bonfire and the dread I felt when we sent burning Chinese lampions to the sky over the seriously flammable forest. Or the techno song we created with Premarnava talking about “spiritual darlings”. Or Gaura-arati kirtan I led and felt like a proper devotee, even though I messed up the tune and almost flee the temple room in embarrassment. Or at the same kirtan, how moving it was to see Krsangi jumping higher then anyone else. Or talking with Syam Gopal about personal stuff and his book. Or the journey back home in company of Premarnava and Nityangi, considering it to be a merciful continuation of the festival. Or Guru Maharaja talking very affectionately to Mathuranatha during initiation, mentioning again and again “He showed such an enthusiasm, such an enthusiasm, such an enthusiasm”.

     It was a beautiful festival.