1. I’ve just came from the Soho temple. I went to the Sunday feast, to have darshan of the deities, spend some time with Vaisnavas. I stayed for the class. I was bit sorry to listen to it. Very watered down, tasteless, more of some cultural or moral Sunday school kind of a sermon, not Gaudiya Vaisnava philosophy. I understand it’s a Sunday class, so it’s suppose to be general, but I don’t talk about elevated rasika topics or anything like that. The basic talk can be deep too. I think it’s a general problem of Iskcon. There are not many good lecturers, who’d know GV siddhanta and know how to present it in an interesting, charming way. It’s pity. The older devotees should go deep into different sastras and travel to different temples and do seminars. To take for example Jaiva Dharma. This book alone could give material for years of seminars. Then Brhad Bhagavatamrta for example. Or studying Bhagavatam commentary by Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur. I feel little bit hypocritical, because I don’t do lectures myself, but I try to study, to get deeper into it and I feel that because of listening to Swami and reading his and Sridhara Maharaja’s books alone I can stand ground in GV theology quite well. The good side of today experience in Soho is that it got me inspired to study more carefully. I don’t want my presentation of Krishna consciousness be ever like that.
2. Sometimes when I look through the window I see rats looking at me with curiosity. I wander if they do that now, in the evening, when I can’t see them. In any case I don’t leave windows open when I go out. I don’t want to have visitors. Some time in the future, when I get sorted out, with career, money, apartment, Saragrahi coming here, maybe with some extra education, I’ll be laughing at those beginnings, but right now sometimes I go through the moments of despair lightened fortunately by bits of black humor.
3. Yesterday I applied to another homeless shelter, for the support worker position. So it’s three now. The closing dates are somewhere in September, so only then I will know if I’ll have got shortlisted for the interview in any of them. My dream at the moment – to get this job, preferably in the shelter offering 21K a year (one of these three does), and then get to some University and do social work degree. In three years I can have bachelor. But this is a dream. Right now I have more burning issues. Not to get my underwear eaten by rats or to have fruitful dumpster diving eve:)
4. This morning I had pretty good rounds. Usually I just force myself to chant, and often it’s dry, tasteless. But this morning I felt relaxed, “full” in some sense, I mean my emotions were serenity, peace, and feeling that Krishna is close. It’s so rare that I really tried to relish it, to remember it, to keep me going later, when things are “back to normal”.
5. I feel bitter tonight. Impatient, bit angry (at the fate), anxious, lonely. I guess it can be seen here. I was considering not to write anything, but I want to be in touch (with myself and the readers, if any).
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