A short recap of the last week – the main thread is the therapy - daily, intense, tiring but surprisingly (at first I was very skeptical) relevant and emotional. I have high hopes for it. I think I might find the reasons of my anxiety and loosen the fears of the world, existence, all that material complexity of modern life that haunts me for such a long time. Already after a week I feel much lighter and relaxed, though I realize there is much work to do.
One of the reasons I’m glad I’ve started the therapy is my devotional life. Guru Maharaja often underlines the fact that it’s easier to practice bhakti properly with a well-balanced, equable, serene mind. I can definitely confirm this obvious truth. I struggle with my mind for a while now, most of the time feeling like the anartha-nivritti is all I get this life-time. Well, if that’s so, still I shouldn’t complain – after all bhakti is bhakti, and I should be happy to be on the path, but still, it would be nice for a change to find a way to be a simple, peaceful and steadfast devotee. I’d like that.
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What else? The discussion on The Harmonist, about the GBC policy directed against Guru Maharaja. I’m following it quiet closely. Of course it’s not nice to see your guru slandered, however it’s very nice to see him beautifully defended by his disciples. I admit I enjoy reading that discussion.
First of all the article itself (written by Madan Gopal das) is a small masterpiece itself, dealing intelligently and calmly with that rubbish GBC resolution, but the discussion that follows is even more interesting, in the terms of presenting different views, styles of debating, facts, etc. Sometimes when I read stuff written by my spiritual brothers and sisters, I feel bit embarrassed of my inadequacy, but I feel also proud of being part of this particular spiritual family.
Anyway, I managed to write some stuff too, explaining my “re-initiation”, since it was one of the main accusations against Guru Maharaja. I felt nice doing it. Definitely I clarified blurred (for some folks) points. Then I wrote another comment and afterwards I found out that Guru Maharaja followed the discussion and he appreciated my input. I smiled proudly for the rest of the day.
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Recently I started to memorized verses. I used to do it when I was a brahmacari, but that was a long time ago, and I hardly remember anything (I think it would be “sarva dharman”, “harer nama”, “sadhu sanga, sadhu sanga” and half of “jivera svarupa haya”). I write the verses in a small Moleskine notebook and try to study them during my daily train journeys (around six hours shared between crowded trains and dirty train stations).
Few years ago I got hold of “Śri Ślokamrtam”. It’s an anthology of Gaudiya Vaisnava verses, compiled by Srila Narayana Gosvami Maharaja’s disciples under his guidance. The book has almost 1000 pages, but since the paper is very thin, the volume has a portable size. The verses are grouped thematically.
It’s a very useful book. Let’s say Guru Maharaja says a verse during the lecture without mentioning the source. It’s enough to remember just the first word or two, and then use the Śloka index in the end of Śri Ślokamrtam to find it. Most probably it’s going to be there. There is also a word by word translation of all verses, which I find essential while learning ślokas. Also doing that I try to compare different translations of verses. In the Ślokamrtam there is Śrila Narayana Maharaja’s translation, then if available I look for Guru Maharaja’s, Śrila Prabhupada’s and Sri Pujyapad BR Sridhar Maharaja’s. I feel that it gives me a broader understanding of the verse - looking at it from different points of view, sometimes some words are translated differently, it’s interesting.
Let’s see if I manage to keep it up.
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Ok, lunch time. Today Saragrahi decided to make deep fried potato cakes and raita. She’s already eaten and now she’s suffering greatly (yeap, deep frying isn’t as healthy, digestible and joyful as it used to be), but it doesn’t scare me away. Now it's my turn.
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