Tense day. It would be ok., but I had to fill the US visa application.
Whenever I have to deal with this kind of stuff (offices, institutions, documents), I’m just getting seriously anxious. First of all it makes you feel powerless. You have to solicit, apply, bend, wait for an answer, sweat, swear, and there is not much you can do about it. I guess, for me it just takes away my dignity. Why someone who doesn’t even know you should decide about the important events in your life? It’s one of the reasons I’m standing pretty strongly on the anti-state position (as some of my friends already know). I know I'm being maybe overly sensitive to this kind of issues, but I had some hard time with bureaucracy in last years.
But, ok, the application is sent, I’ve paid my tribute to the Demigod of Coercive Institutions.
All this made me thinking about some verses I remembered from yesterday. I started to read Sri Sri Prapannam-jivanamrtam by Sri Pujyapad B.R. Sridhar Maharaja. I’m not sure, but I think it’s one of the only two books written personally by him, the other one being his translation of Bhagavad-gita. All the other books are compiled by his disciples from his talks.
Sri Sri Prapannam-jivanamrtam means Life Nectar of the Surrendered Souls. Sridhara Maharaja collected in it hundreds of verses from all kind of sastras, describing śaranagati – the process of surrender to the Lord. A beautiful idea, I’m planning to carry this book with me for a while, looking for an inspiration.
I’ve only just started. In the first chapter written entirely by Sridhara Maharaja there were two verses that I liked very much.
bhavarti-pidyamano va, bhakti-matrabhilasy api
vaimukhya-badhyamano 'nya-gatis tac charanam vrajet
1.44
One who is severely afflicted by fear of living in the material world, or, one who, despite having an aspiration for the Lord's service is nonetheless bound with adversity - such persons, findingno alternative, surrender to the Supreme Personality of Godhead.
I match both cases. I am “severely afflicted by fear of living in the material world”. This is why I’ve started a therapy. I have a very deep feeling that this world is an awful, unpleasant and messed up place. I know it doesn’t have to be perceived this way. A devotee, seeing everything in connection with God, has a peaceful mind. He doesn’t obsess with wars, hunger, politics, etc. He sees all these things, feels compassion, but he draws his peace from the other land – land of love and self-forgetfulness.
Other then that, “I have an aspiration for the Lord’s service, but nonetheless I’m bound with adversity”. Tell me about it. It feels like adversity is all I get, and the worst is adversity from myself. I met devotees in 1996. It’s been… let’s see… 16 years already. I should be much further spiritually then I’m now. But it is like walking trough a bog. Every step is a stumble and every word is a whine.
So I know I have a long way to go, but this verse gives me hope. When I read it in bed yesterday, my face lit with a smile. Specially when I read one of the next ones:
vinasya sarva-duhkhani, nija-madhurya-varsanam
karoti bhagavan bhakte, saranagata-palakah
1.47
Being most affectionate toward His surrendered souls, the Supreme Lord totally dispels their unhappiness, graciously filling their hearts with His sweet absolute presence.
I like to read about God being affectionate to his devotees. I struggle with a vision of Lord branded in my mind, as a remote, cold, inhuman being. I have the knowledge about Krishna’s sweetness, about the loving relationships you can have with him, and yet some weird part of me is skeptical. Not about his existence, I never had this issue, but rather about his lovingness. So every time I stumble across this kind of verses I feel like finding a big, juicy wild strawberry on the walk trough the forest. I pick it up, look at it with dreamy eyes, smell it, place it on my tongue and then spread it all over my mouth. Yes, God loves me, he is affectionate, I’m going to be just fine, nothing to worry about...
That’s why I like Srila Sridhara Maharaja’s books. There is so many sweet berries in that forest.
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