In the Snow, Where Krishna Hides

In the Snow, Where Krishna Hides

     I haven’t written here for a while, but I don’t feel, like doing a recap of all those months. I just say that I’m getting my long awaited balance back, the therapy helped, but not as much as returning to some small sadhana I try to keep for the last couple of months. When I decided to have a break from spiritual practices (starting the therapy), my idea was to get straight with my thoughts, identity, emotions, to sort out my security and self-esteem issues, and only then return to my sadhana with clear and peaceful mind. It seemed a good idea at the time, but after a while I decided to come back to my practices without waiting for complete… I don’t know – secular enlightment? So I returned to chanting, reading Vaisnava books, praying.

     At first it felt really awkward. Like it wasn’t me, like I wandered too far astray from Krishna, lost the feeling, my blues vanished. Very weird. But I know better then that, so I kept going and then little by little I started to regain my devotional identity.

     Well, it sounds like a recap I didn’t want to do, so I stop it here.

     Few days ago I read my friend saying that for him the best prayer is to walk somewhere in the nature and feel gratefulness to Krishna for our existing and knowing Him. I liked that. I respect that devotee, he is one of the first Polish Vaisnavas, my hero from brahmacari times. In the beginning of ‘90s he was doing preaching in Cambodia and Vietnam, very sincere, deep and friendly guy. Anyway. He wrote that stuff about a prayer, I liked it, and I decided to do it myself. It sounds weird, because for the last year basically I live in the woods, so it shouldn’t be strange to me, but with my anxiety issues I wasn’t enjoying nature very much, mostly I stayed home. Now I’m better, so I can try things, yay!

     The day was beautiful – 10 below zero, snow, everywhere snow, the creek near my house was half frozen, blue sky, sharp, extremely transparent air. Perfect. I crossed the creek and just went straight ahead, towards the woods and bushes. My idea was to be on my own with the nature and instead of feeling alone as I usually do, keep calling Krishna, so I could feel His presence near me. You know, like a friend, who is always there. Maybe I approached it too technically (step first: the nature, step two: calling Krishna, step three: feeling His presence), but I tried sincerely. In the meantime I spotted deer’s tracks on the snow and I followed it, hoping to meet this beautiful animal. The tracks took me off the path (not that there was much path left with all that snow around), through some thick spruce groves, small valleys, I had to wade trough the deep snow, I even fell to a trickle, sharing my attention between trying to spot a deer and trying to spot (in my heart) Krishna.

     Eventually I spotted the deer, even two of them, but I didn’t have that much luck with Krishna. After two hours of wandering in the forest I still felt so much separation from Him, it felt frustrating and painful.

     Then I went back home and wrote to my devotee friend, that it didn’t work for me. He answered nicely that we are all different and we all have to find our particular way of connecting with Krishna, maybe I should search Him somewhere else.

     This morning I was reading “Follow the Angels” by Śrila Sridhara Maharaja. At one point he wrote something like, we shouldn’t try to see Krishna, but look for Him in the service. More or less like this. Of course I heard that before, Śrila Prabhupada used to say it a lot too, but somehow it made me think about my walk in the snow. Ok – wandering aimlessly in the forest isn’t usually considered a devotional service, unless you are of course a gopi looking for Krishna who had disappeared from the rasa dance, but – now when I though about that walk, I felt some warmth in my heart, kind of spiritual, faint glow, which was strange, since straight after the walk I was frustrated. And then I realized what this feeling could be – I didn’t meet Krishna in the forest, but somehow, to some degree measured by my sincerity and eagerness He was present there, no doubt about it. He is present in our endeavors to meet Him. You can find it in Gita, in Bhagavatam, everywhere. He reciprocates according to the intensity of our desire to love Him. Maybe it is an obvious thing, when I think about it now, but still it was a small epiphany.

     Recently I’m going trough my brahmacari diaries, publishing them on my other devotional blog. When I remember those saffron times now, they seem so bright, happy and Krishna conscious, but when I read what I wrote about my spiritual life then, it was a struggle – daily fight with maya, my lower nature, etc, with occasional, rare sunny spells. So if it was just a struggle what makes it so bright and happy? The constant endeavor to come closer to Krishna, to serve guru and Vaisnavas. That’s it.

     Somehow I feel that these are important thoughts. I’m getting easily discouraged in my spiritual life by the lack of accomplishment, I always wish I could feel some tangible results of my practices. But how much happier I would be, if I could see and appreciate Krishna appearing in my imperfect and weak attempts to come closer to Him, to become a better bhakta? Isn’t this feeling of His presence in our efforts tangible enough? Very comforting thought.

     I hope to write here more often and thus to be connected with my spiritual family (you guys), which company sometimes I miss a lot. Gauranga!