Spiritual apathy, creativity and the big news at last!

 

    1. Last week experiencing spiritual apathy. It happens from time to time, and I feel that when it hits, I just have to wait it through, trying not to get too neurotic about it. It’s like Krishna, chanting and all, loses its charm, it feels empty, dry and pretty indifferent. Especially when the outside situation is bit stressful, then sadhana feels like an extra burden. It should feel like a shelter, but it hardly does. So anyhow I haven’t chanted for few days. Today, when the clouds of ennui dispersed a little, I managed my rounds and gayatri.

     2. On Wednesday I recorded a song. It’s just that when I’m really down, feeling that my self-esteem, sense of worth is almost non-existing, I try to do something creative. Sometimes it’s a drawing, maybe a poem, but at times I write and record songs. I like this medium very much. Making music and lyrics feels very tangible, solid, and often it has much more impact on others then for example a drawing. I guess it helps me to burst up the image of myself that I’m holding and which frankly speaking burdens me a lot. In therapy I discovered that it all comes from my unhappy childhood and lack of appreciation from my authority figure, but to be honest to be aware of that doesn’t really make a difference. I need to solve (accept) it now. The past is gone. The song is very lighthearted and playful -  it’s about love, dreams, my girl and about refusing to participate in the madness of this world.

     3. And the big news. Tomorrow is my first day in new job! My agency is sending me to a learning difficulties college, as a teaching assistant. It’s not too far from my place, maybe forty five minutes on the bus, the money isn’t too bad, the hours are cool – finishing at 4PM, which is perfect. If school authorities like me, they will take me for the whole year. So let’s hope they do. Having this job means that in a few weeks I’d be able to rent a room in a shared house (can’t expect to get a flat right now, it’s crazy expensive in London) and bring Saragrahi here, so in turn she will look for job. Hope it works out.

     4. Going to the city in a while, to the Sunday feast at Soho.