1. Yesterday was Janmasthami. The day before I was planning to make this day special. To go to Soho temple, then to Sri Caitanya Saraswata Math, fast, chant extra rounds, focus on Krishna. But you know this feeling, when you get too enthusiastic, too “spiritual” and then you just can’t sustain it, and you drop hard? So that’s what happened. I went to Soho temple, but after few minutes I left. There were too many people, too much arranging, managing, organizing. So I just wandered aimlessly around London, glancing at girls. Ate falafel and noodles from a Chinese vendor that made me feel sick (noodles, not the vendor:). Then went home. Took me long time to fall asleep. And I kept thinking: “Krishna, do something. Get me sorted out. I’m so fed up.”
2. This morning was pretty much the continuation of the yesterday blueness. I went to Sainsbury’s to get something sweet (bought Jaffa-cakes and mints). I got a scratch card too. I told Krishna, that £5000 would get me on my feet, and £10 000 would put me way ahead of the game. I enjoyed the faint dream only for a short while, didn’t win anything, so back to my debt-laden, impoverished, unemployed existence;)
3. Eventually I focused on finishing the “Swami – a graphic poem” project. It took me a while. I listened to three of Swami’s talks to it. So it was then, when the lighting changed. The burdened feeling transformed into something light and nice. When I finished, I shared it with my godbrothers and godsisters. Their positive, welcoming reaction was very uplifting. I need to feel part of my family. It makes me happy and serene.
4. Recently I’m experiencing pride of being a Gaudiya Vaisnava, or Guru Maharaja’s disciple. I mean pride in a good sense. The one that makes you grateful, I think.
5. Tonight Jorge made a veggie stew and invited everyone. He’s a nice guy, Spaniard. Very sociable, wants to introduce to the squat the feeling of community, friendship. I like this kind of people. It was nice. We sat in the living room, ate the food (too spicy! my stomach is hurting:), and talked in Spanish. It reminded me old days, when I travelled around Europe, lived in weird places, meet all kind of people... Basically the same as now, but with the difference, that I enjoyed it then. I don’t like getting older. Just yesterday I looked at my grey hair and thought how fast it goes. And it got to me – it’s been three months away from Saragrahi, and I felt that it was stupid to be away, when our lives get shorter so fast. We should be together, live through it shoulder to shoulder.
6. Listening to Chambao, “Pasta pa la costa”. Like that girl:)
7. And another night has arrived. Night, night.
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