So eventually I told Saragrahi I’ll go England, and when I find something, I’ll bring her in. That was about six weeks ago. I’m in Liverpool now, renting a small room in a shared house, but somehow everyone left so I have this big house for myself. I’m sending CVs and applications around and waiting for what’s next. I’m looking for a social care job. I have a diploma in health and social care. Frankly speaking I can’t imagine doing different kind of work. Working for a capitalist enterprise as I did few times before, feels dry and empty. I’m, trying to get to a residential schools for children with learning difficulties. That was my last job in UK, when I lived in Bristol few years ago, and this is definitely my thing.
It’s taking more time then I hoped, but I have my first interview this Wednesday, yes! It’s in a school, 35 hours a week, the salary is quite good, let’s see how it goes. I’ll try to make a good impression, the rest is in the Universe’s pretty hands:)
Spiritually I wasn’t doing too well either. The Krakow failure put me down, financial debts made me anxious, and then this trip to England messed me up even more. You know – being alone in a new country, not knowing what’s coming next. I’m not dealing well with stress lately (for sure I’m not telling that in the interview!). And these last months are nothing but stress, so I got subdued by anxiety and depression more then I could have wished for. It reflected in my sadhana (which basically disappeared) and generally I felt left by Krishna again.
But I kept praying, I always do, even if it’s just a desperate cry, not the sattvic meditation, and maybe because of that I got en email from a friend. He knows what my deal is, so he sent my a lecture by Sacinandana Swami, “From the Head To Spiritual Heart”. I don’t know if you know that swami, I always liked him, when I was in Iskcon and afterwards too. A very warm, enthusiastic, always smiling devotee. So I got that lecture and frankly speaking I didn’t think I could go through ninety minutes of spiritual talk, specially by someone who is not Guru Maharaja. But then I thought that since I was praying to Krishna for help, it would be stupid to turn down something like this. And good that I didn’t. It was amazing lecture, particularly for someone in my position.
Sacinandana Swami wrote about his experience of suffering, when he was in hospital with some serious illness. He suffered greatly and tried to look for shelter in Krishna, but he couldn’t. He said, his heart was empty and dry, there was no Krishna at all. He went for a length with this description and I admit I started to cry, because he was basically describing my feelings for a long time now. It was very liberating to hear such a nice, advanced Vaisnava expressing feelings so similar to mine.
And then, he said, something happened. He didn’t want to elaborate on the experience, I guess it was too personal, but he said that at one point, in the peak of desperation, he felt Krishna’s grace coming to him, filling him like a fresh water on the desert.
It was amazing to hear about that, maharaja spoke about it in a very emotional, beautiful way. His experience made me feel very hopeful. Yes, that’s the problem – I lose hope too often. Usually it happens when I get slack with the spiritual practice.
Then he spoke about doubts and faith. He said that by company of sadhus, three kind of doubts are removed. First – the doubt about God’s existence, then... I don’t remember exactly. There was maybe a doubt if God loves us? Nonetheless the idea was that doubts can disappear if we follow the spiritual path putting in it not only our head (to learn sambandha) but also the heart.
This morning I went to a Hindu temple. It’s just few streets away, and they have beautiful marble Radha Krishna deities. I'm visiting the temple since last week, when I discovered it. Today I offered to deities a big pineapple and chanted gayatri in front of them. It felt nice, peaceful. My anxiety comes from the fact that I have no control over what’s happening around me, you know financially, economically, health-wise, etc. I feel great relief when I even just try to depend on Krishna. Telling him – do what you wish, I’m turning to you. It’s not an easy thing to learn, frankly speaking I find it to be the most difficult thing I have to do. But also the most rewarding.
Karnamrita posted on Sri Caitanya Sanga this quote from Scott Peck, which I find very relevant to all this.
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways, or truer answers." M. Scott Peck
And this is it. Very optimistic and comforting stuff. To all the people who are going through tough times in life – we are not broken. We are just being mended:)
PS. Since I'm in the UK and broke, I wont be able to see Guru Maharaja this year, I can't go to the Polish retreat. I'm also sorry that I will not meet my godbrothers and godsisters. But I'll definitely try to be there with my heart. And Saragrahi promised to write down everything that will happen there, so I wont be completely cut off:)
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