I'm a squatter - part two

     Today was a „clean that dumpster to be able to live in” day. I spent about six hours trying to make my room a livable space. I washed floor, walls, got some old furniture, washed duvet, pillows, and I ended up with a reasonable nice space.
     Then I cooked a feast for everyone. Domink (the guy who is kind of a head of this squat) bought stuff I told him to, and in about three hours I prepared deep fried subji in yoghurt, pulao, dahl, and apple chutney. I could make it in an hour, but I had only one small stove, and the electricity went down couple of times while I was trying to deep-fry cauliflower and potatoes. There were some sparks and boom, but nothing caught fire. Today I found out that we don’t pay for electricity. We live close to a train station, and somehow we steal energy straight from the electric traction. Don’t ask me how, I haven’t got a clue and I prefer not to think about it.
     The feast came out delicious, people were satisfied. Actually there was a reason I decided to cook for everyone. It seems that people in the house aren’t very connected, there is a strange atmosphere, people try to stay away from each other’s sight. I don’t feel like I could really change it, but I thought it wouldn’t hurt to bring some positive vibe to the house. Did it work? Kind of. We talked for a while, joked, but I don’t think it really did much. But I don’t want to go into the local politics, have my own stuff to deal with.
     Tomorrow I’m going to see Madhukari and Gopesh! Madhukari wrote me this morning, asking to come over to Gophes’ place, so we could meet. I’m very happy to meet them. I feel that my godbrothers and godsisters are a very rare kind, at least in Europe. It’s nice to find some time to be together.
     Afterwards I’m seeing Radhika. She asked me to come to her squat, we can put together a bike for me, then we will do a bhajan, there are some devotees living in her place too. Probably I’ll stay overnight, it would be too far to come back.
     Also I might get an interview in the nursery in High Wycombe (near London). I’d love to work in a nursery. I don’t know, it just sounds cool. “Where do you work, man?” “Me? In the kindergarten” I kind of prefer working with kids. Adults can be so boring:)
   Time to sleep, I’m so tired. Too many things are happening. Today it’s exactly two months since I saw Saragrahi.

art by Saragrahi

First day in London - I'm a squatter!

 

     So I've arrived in London. I didn’t know what to expect, I wasn’t really sure what kind of accommodations were awaiting me. Basically it's an old factory building, with lots of rooms, corridors, corners. Dominik, the guy who looks after the place, gives the rooms to people either for free or for a small rent. The place is a mess and it stinks and it’s sticky and dark, but there is quite few people living here, some of them are apparently devotees of some sort, I have to enquire further into it, and it’s for free and close to the city center. Also it has a kitchen, shower, toilets, so it isn’t too bad. It will do for a while, until I sort myself out with a job. And if the smell and messiness get unbearable, I got an offer to move in with a couple of friends, but they live quite far from the city, so I’m not sure. Let’s see. After I arrived, I just took a quick shower and hurried back to the city, trying to make it to the Soho temple for the Sunday feast. I managed. I met with Radhika and we ate a big pile of prasadam. It was excellent. I haven't had this quality food for months.

     Saragrahi told me today about her darsan with Guru Maharaja. She was very happy finally to get a chance to talk to Swami. One of the points they discussed again is Swami’s willingness to come to UK. He said it twice already, so there is something in it.

     For the last few days I’m listening to Catuh-sloka series. Guru Maharaja again and again brings this point – it was personally Krishna, who appeared before Brahma. He touched Brahma’s hand like a friend. It was Krishna, not Visnu.

     After talking to Saragrahi, chanting and listening the talk, I had a little gratefulness meditation. Guru Maharaja told me once that right now we think: "Oh, why Krishna abandoned me, he doesn't care about me", but the day will come when we will think that we get much more then we deserved, we will feel that Krishna's grace is coming to us, even though we feel we haven't earn it. This is the generosity of bhakti. I'm far from this but I start to imagine that it is possible, sometimes, when I put my heart into it, I get those small glimpses.

"Wonderful, wonderful thing"

photo by Kamalaksa

      "It’s nice to practice, it’s good, it’s actually very special to be a sadhaka. You are not a siddha but you’re not a baddha jiva. And holding hands with other sadhakas... It’s very encouraging. It’s a wonderful life in itself.  Even if it doesn’t turn to anything more then that. It’s so nice. Sadhaka’s life. If properly understood and applied. Of course it does [turn to something else]. Krishna says it does for sure. And others standing like great light-houses in the night of the storm of material existence, encouraging us by their example, we see they have some ground they are standing on, they let go here, and they have support... So to be a sadhaka is wonderful, wonderful thing."
Swami B.V. Tripurari (Q&A, Ekadasi, October 2012)

     I have to print and hang it over my bed, and every day when I feel like a failure I’ll just look at it and remind myself – being sadhaka is a wonderful thing. Often it’s not easy, anartha-nivritti can be a painful process. I admit, at times when it was getting too hot in there, I was just quitting – placing bhakti somewhere in the attic and living different life, “going with the flow”, engaging in activism, secular social life or just taking everything easy, going for a pint or something. I hope that with time I’ll get better. Guru Maharaja talks about exercising our sadhaka deha.

     For the last couple of months I’m doing 40 minutes of fitness exercises in the morning. There is this lady on youtube and she’s a personal couch. I remember the first time – practically I fainted, I was grasping for a breath, perspiring profusely, and swearing at that women, who did all the exercises without even blinking. I didn’t even managed to get to the end that first time. And it wasn’t getting much better for the first few weeks. But I kept going, especially that Saragrahi did too, and I didn’t want to be left behind;) So this morning I was doing that series of exercises, and suddenly I realized I don’t even get the panting. I just go on, enjoying the effort.

     So I hope practicing our sadhaka deha is similar. It’s true – sometimes we discontinue our training for a while, so then, when we start again, it feels harder, but if we carry on, very quickly we get to where we were and then move further.

     Today I’m pretty stressed. I’ve already got tickets to London, leaving early in the morning. Fortunately I found someone to take over my room in Liverpool, so I have some money to get started. In London I’ll stay with a friend of a friend of a friend, so yes, I’m not sure how it will go, but I just try to rely on Krishna. I said it many times in my life, but these days I really mean it.
   
     Saragrahi told me today that she talked to Guru Maharaja, and told him about me going to London. Guru Maharaja suggested that in the future he could visit UK and do some programs here. I hope it will happen. We can try to tighten our little London sanga.

     PS. Kamalaksa just posted on facebook a group picture from the Polish retreat, and Syam Gopal a short video from Gaura-arati. I wish I was there. I miss them all so much...

Ekadasi and things getting brighter

   





















     I’ve just returned from the Radha-Krishna temple, the one I wrote about few days ago. It’s Ekadasi, and since this is the first one I’m observing for a very long time, I wanted to make it special. I downloaded an Ekadasi lecture by Swami (I think I’ll make a separate post about it, it was so charming and inspiring) and went to see the Deities. Or to be seen by them, as Guru Maharaja sometimes says:)

     I entered, paid dandavats, offered a fruit to Deities and then chanted Gayatri. I was about to leave, when someone called me. It was the main brahman/preacher of the Indian community here. I saw him few times before, but I have to admit I was little bit put off by what I though to be his proud appearance. Nonetheless I approached him in a humble manner.
     “Present yourself to me” said he.
     “My name is Kalpataru das”
     “And who is your spiritual master?” he asked.
     “Swami Tripurari”
     “And your istha-devata?”
     “Sri Caitanya” I said, but seeing that he’s not familiar with Mahaprabhu, I added “Krishna”.
     He seemed to be pleased.
     “Tell me, what are your guru’s teachings” he enquired further.
     I was pretty happy to have this conversation. Like from Jaiva-dharma, or something:) I miss that in every day life. I told him about our basic siddhanta – Krishna is the highest reality, jiva is his eternal servant, our aim is to attain pure love of God. He listened, then he started to preach. He was Krishna devotee, but there was lots of aiśvarya in his words. When he talked about Krishna, he obviously had in mind Dvaraka Krishna. Still I liked the universal touch in his preaching – that we are not Hindus, Muslims or Christians, we are spirit souls, and we should follow the sanatana-dharma, which is beyond all religious concepts. He very strongly stated that without spiritual master there is no spiritual life. Guru is even more important to us then God. I liked that a lot, especially that Guru Maharaja says it a lot. Then he looked at me sternly.
     “Do you think that Krishna is an avatar of Visnu?” he asked in a menacing voice. I shook my head in deny.
     “Krsnas to bhagavan svayam” I said.
     “Yes!” his eyes shone. “This is the right understanding! Krishna is beyond everything, he’s the source of everything!” Then he added: “But don’t disrespect other gods. They are Krishna’s different aspects.”
     He asked me to stay for arati, which I did. Afterwards I received some maha-prasadam. Then I went home. On the way, I did some shopping and then cooked pure ekadasi lunch.

     During the lunch I was called by Saragrahi. She sounds so inspired and alive. I’m so sorry for not being able to be there with her, Guru Maharaja and all the others. But on the other hand, because I’m can’t be there, somehow I think about Swami and Krishna more then I usually do. Oh, yes, it reminded me the other thing that the brahmana from the temple said today:
     “Do you think that Krishna can’t hear you? No, you are never separated from him. Whenever you think about him, at the exact same moment he thinks about you, and he thinks about you much more, then you think about him”.

     This is so weird (positively weird). I’m here, in the middle of nowhere, unemployed, lost in a big city, unmotivated, broke, but then suddenly, out of blue I’m ending up having this kind of deep conversation about Krishna. It’s almost like (or exactly like) because I’m searching for the higher connection at the moment, this kind of things start to happen. Someone may call it synchronicity, but to me it’s showing the personal features of God, who lovingly responds to our spiritual endeavors.

     I still want to move to London. Actually my mind is 100% there already. Yesterday I contacted some of my friends, asking about accommodation. Also I befriended on Facebook Madhukari and Gopesh, who are Swami’s disciples living in London. We had a quite long chat with Madhukari, she seems to be very nice girl, very friendly and open. We talked about doing some programs or listen to Guru Maharaja’s lectures together. There would be few of us there. Madhukari, Gopesh, Rama Caran and I think Gokulacandra, though he might not be living there anymore, I’m not sure. Then Saragrahi would join me. I hope it all works.

     What else? Saragrahi just got a big order for her art! Ten drawings and she can choose the topic of the series. Nice that she can make some money with her talents. I hope one day she can do just that for living. (And me too:).

London, baby?

   

     I’m seriously considering moving to London, at least to see how it's there. My room here, in Liverpool is paid until September the 5th, so I could leave some of my stuff here, taking to London only basic things, like ukulele and tooth brush:) The idea came today. I was chatting with a devotee friend who lives in London for couple of months. She stays in a squat, doing some odd jobs, busking... Don’t know what else. She said that another devotee might have a room for free that I could stay in and try to find a job there. She said she could also get me a bike, so I wouldn’t have to spent money for the commute.
     It is tempting I have to say. Here I feel so lonely, it hurts. I think in London there are even some of my god-brothers and god-sisters.
     Sometimes, when something doesn’t work, it’s good to reorganize, regroup and try something else. Let’s see what’s the situation with the flat, I’m waiting for a replay from that devotee, I wrote him today.
     This afternoon I was learning a Hare Krishna bhajan on ukulele. I picked one of my favorites, by BB Govinda Maharaja. I remembered the last year retreat with Guru Maharaja, the bon fire we had that time, bhajan, and I was thinking how nice would be to play it for devotees now. But it’s ok. The next year I’ll have a big collection of Hare Krishna tunes, I’ll make people happy:)
     I have an appointment for Monday to see a counselor. I’ve found this place, where they organize courses to rise self-esteem and help to deal with the negative thoughts. I thought why not to try, but after today conversation with the friend I think, I just need some good company. Still, if I don’t go to London, I’ll try it.

Look into my heart

   

     I’m having a pretty bad day. It might have something to do with the fact that Guru Maharaja’s visit in Poland has just started and I wasn’t able to be there with everyone else, which means that I wont see him for at least another year. Also still no luck with a job, and it’s been almost two months already.
     I’ve found this poem by Sacinandana Maharaja.


Don’t Trust Me
Sacinandana Swami

O my Lord
I think You know that I love only You,
although I pretend to love other people and things.
I think You know that when I am sad
it’s because I feel separated from You,
although if I am asked
I would give other reasons.
When I cry, it’s always because of missing You,
although my tears carry other names.

I think You also know
that I am only looking for You,
although I seem to be looking for other persons and things.

Yes, I am a divided soul,
searching for something in the east,
while going west.
I am a helpless soul,
forced by some other agent long ago
to play the double life of a devotee and a cheater.

But do You know why I am writing You this?
It’s because I want your special mercy.
Don’t believe my acts,
don’t trust my words,
but look deep into my heart
and You will see Your own beautiful image.

Rain, gratefulness and Krishna

 

     Yesterday I went for a walk in the city center and suddenly I saw a guy with sikha. I wasn’t sure if he was a devotee, nowadays sikha seems to be trendy. But then I almost stumbled over a table with Vaisnava books. I recognized some of Śrila Narayana Maharaja’s works. There were another two devotees sitting by the table, man and woman.
     “Haribol” I said.
     They turned to me with surprised smile and eyed me to check if this was “I met devotees on Glastonbury festival once Haribol”, or “I know what Haribol means Haribol”. The lady pointed at my neck beads.
     “You’ve got Tulasi. Are you a devotee?”  she asked.
    “ Yes, I am”
     “What’s your name?”
     “Kalpataru. And yours, guys?”
     “Oh, so nice! I am Ananga Manjari, this is Ananda Mohan, and my husband, Radha Raman. Who is your spiritual master?” she asked.
     “Tripurari Swami” I answered. I admit, always when I say that, I just boast, I’m so proud of being Swami's disciple:)
     Now they were all interested. It turned out that they all heard about Swami. And recently they heard from some of their godbrothers about their visit to guru maharaja’s ashram, and how much they liked it there.
     I saw some interesting books, but I was broke, so I thought I couldn’t afford them, but then they told me that they were giving them for free. There was some devotee who had given big donation for this particular purpose – to distribute spiritual  literature to people. When I heard that, at first I was bit worried about Gopi-gita or Sri Bhajana Rahasya being carried away by some unaware passerby Brit, but more then that I was just happy to get some of those books. I was especially excited about Jaiva-dharma, since I left my copy back home, in Poland.

     The couple doesn’t live in Liverpool at the moment, but they are looking for a place to stay, so they will be moving shortly. We might do some Sunday programs together then. The third devotee, Ananda Mohan lives in Liverpool. As far as I understood, he is a disciple of one of the Puri Maharajas, but I’m not sure which one, I think maybe Srila B. V. Puri Maharaja.
     It was a nice surprise. When the day before I met with those Iskcon brahmacaris, they were nice, but when I told them I was from outside of Iskcon, I could immediately feel the cautious distance. With Radha Raman, Ananga and Ananda I felt immediately welcome, as a part of greater Vaisnava family. I like that.

     Today it's Sunday. I woke up pretty late, around eight. It’s that I watched Suits till late (TV shows addiction:). At any rate I got up, did some tough exercises, to shake off the sleep, then chanted, then went to do some shopping (I got twenty quid from a friend to help me out with groceries), cooked huge pot of spaghetti bolognaise (extra olive oil, extra cheddar and too much chili), which I shared with my housemate, and then I went to the Radha Krishna temple. I picked some flowers on the way from someone's garden, they smelled so nice, and bought a pear, so I wouldn't come empty-handed.

     The temple was more busy then usually, I guess because of Sunday. I sat in the corner and chanted some rounds, looking at the deities. It was nice. At one point I thought that I’m complaining a lot about not being looked after by Krishna, sometimes feeling completely left to myself, but it struck me: in spite of all my indifference, laziness and everything, I’m still sitting here, in front of Krishna and Radhika, with japa beads in my hand, spiritual master who I have faith in, my mind relatively peaceful and I try to pray with my heart. I just felt that I had got much more then I deserved. In spite of everything, Krishna is looking after me, giving me much more, then I give to him. I just felt grateful, and this is one of the most beautiful feelings to have, I wish I had it always.
     Then there was Siva bhajan. I prayed to Siva to destroy my false ego, I read recently in Sacinandana Maharaja’s diary that this is what Vaisnavas can pray to him. Then some katha started, but it was in Hindi, and I heard the word “brahman” too frequently for my taste, so I walked out.

     I walked home in the pouring rain, listening to guru maharaja’s lecture, where brahman wasn’t mentioned much, but Krishna all the time:)
     One thing moved me very much in that talk (I think it was the second one of the Catuh-śloka series from this year). Someone asked about Krishna not hearing our prayers, because he’s so involved with his Vrindavana pastimes. Guru maharaja explained that in Dvaraka Krishna is all-knowing, but sometimes he asks Uddhava something, which means that his all-knowing is from time to time suppressed. In Vrindavana there is an opposite situation – for the most part Krishna’s all-knowing is covered, however not completely and not always. So he can hear sadhaka’s prayers! Not Paramatma, but Krishna! What you say about that?