Janmasthami and after - a list

   

     1. Yesterday was Janmasthami. The day before I was planning to make this day special. To go to Soho temple, then to Sri Caitanya Saraswata Math, fast, chant extra rounds, focus on Krishna. But you know this feeling, when you get too enthusiastic, too “spiritual” and then you just can’t sustain it, and you drop hard? So that’s what happened. I went to Soho temple, but after few minutes I left. There were too many people, too much arranging, managing, organizing. So I just wandered aimlessly around London, glancing at girls. Ate falafel and noodles from a Chinese vendor that made me feel sick (noodles, not the vendor:). Then went home. Took me long time to fall asleep. And I kept thinking: “Krishna, do something. Get me sorted out. I’m so fed up.”

     2. This morning was pretty much the continuation of the yesterday blueness. I went to Sainsbury’s to get something sweet (bought Jaffa-cakes and mints). I got a scratch card too. I told Krishna, that £5000 would get me on my feet, and £10 000 would put me way ahead of the game. I enjoyed the faint dream only for a short while, didn’t win anything, so back to my debt-laden, impoverished, unemployed existence;)

     3. Eventually I focused on finishing the “Swami – a graphic poem” project. It took me a while. I listened to three of Swami’s talks to it. So it was then, when the lighting changed. The burdened feeling transformed into something light and nice. When I finished, I shared it with my godbrothers and godsisters. Their positive, welcoming reaction was very uplifting. I need to feel part of my family. It makes me happy and serene.

     4. Recently I’m experiencing pride of being a Gaudiya Vaisnava, or Guru Maharaja’s disciple. I mean pride in a good sense. The one that makes you grateful, I think.

     5. Tonight Jorge made a veggie stew and invited everyone. He’s a nice guy, Spaniard. Very sociable, wants to introduce to the squat the feeling of community, friendship. I like this kind of people. It was nice. We sat in the living room, ate the food (too spicy! my stomach is hurting:), and talked in Spanish. It reminded me old days, when I travelled around Europe, lived in weird places, meet all kind of people... Basically the same as now, but with the difference, that I enjoyed it then. I don’t like getting older. Just yesterday I looked at my grey hair and thought how fast it goes. And it got to me – it’s been three months away from Saragrahi, and I felt that it was stupid to be away, when our lives get shorter so fast. We should be together, live through it shoulder to shoulder.

     6. Listening to Chambao, “Pasta pa la costa”. Like that girl:)

     7. And another night has arrived. Night, night.

Swami - a graphic poem

Swami

One devotee asked another: „Could you, prabhu, tell me this:
Is your guru a pure Vaisnava, purely merged in Krishna’s bliss?”

“Does his voice choke when he’s chanting, does his hair stand on end?
Maybe if there’s no one around, does he cry, by prema rent?”

“In the night, when the world is sleeping, can he travel through space?
Like Narada Muni himself, can he fly to Krishna’s place?”

“There, on Vraja’s grazing lands, where the sakhya story strands,
Is he playing ball with Krishna? Is he laughing with his friends?”

“Or maybe even after dusk, she sneaks out through the open window,
And then in a grove by the riverside, she talks with gopi so and so?”

The queries ceased, the silence fell, they looked each other straight in the eye.
“So what you say? Please, don’t be shy. Is he a chrysalis or a butterfly?"

“I’m not silent, because I’m shy. Don’t take my wrong, I’m a stand-up guy.
I’ll answer straight – I just don’t know, but nevertheless, my best I’ll try.”

“Every time I meet my master, he speaks of Krishna, nothing else.
Is this a sign of siddha? Maybe. For me indeed, a lot it tells.”

“When I’m plunged into the darkness, which sometimes happens, I must say,
He’s there, to throw the life preserver, and  haul me back, to Krishna’s bay.”

“When I look at him and see, how much for Krishna does he live,
I see my prospects and like him I very much would like to be.”

“Then I look at sisters, brothers, the comrades on this superb path,
I see them shining, shining bright, with love and wisdom, what a sight!”

“So when you ask, how big is he, I cannot tell you, forgive me.
But I can give for sure this touch – if I only loved Krishna half that much...”

"I Carry What They Lack"

Swami BV Tripurari
23.07.2012, Czarnów, Poland

1 
The scratch on Krishna's head

     The question is, does Krishna maintain only his advanced devotees, and everybody else has to take care for themselves? (Swami laughs) There is a famous story surrounding the verse I cited from a ninth chapter.

Ananyas chintayanto mam ye janah paryupasate, 
tesham nityabhiyuktanam yoga-kshemam vahamy aham 
(Bg. 9.22)

     The story goes like this. Some of you may know it. There was a devotee, who was very much the devotee of Gita, who studied the Gita regularly, and meditated on every word, its meaning and so forth, as it’s recommended in the conclusion of the Gita, where Krishna says: “Those who study it with their intelligence”. And the benefits of such, fruits of such.

     Contemplating this verse, “yoga-kshemam vahamy aham”, which says “I carry what they lack and preserve what they have”, he thought, this must be wrong. This must be interpolation, where some word has been changed. Because the idea that Krishna will carry (vahamy) what the devotees need, can’t be, because he’s the supreme God. So he thought, that he [Krishna] will get it done. He changed it to karomi. Somehow through his agency, his energy, through his power, his expansion, something like that. So he scratched out the word vahamy and wrote karomi. Then he went out, as he would daily, to the market place, to beg for fruits, vegetables, rice, and so forth. He was a brahman, and he was very, very poor. He went, and he was not having much success.

     After some time, while he was still in the market, a young boy came to his home, with the bushel full of fruits, and grains, and vegetables, and so forth. The wife opened the door and said:
     “Who are you?”
     “Your husband sent me here with all these items for you to prepare lunch”.
     She was very charmed. She invited him in and took the foodstuffs. And then she noticed that he had a little scratch on his head.
     “Oh, you are so beautiful, how did that happen?”
     “Your husband did that, he hit me”.
     “How could he do that?!”.
     Then the boy left, she cooked, and the husband came home.
     “What are you cooking? Where did you get the food?”
     “The nice boy came, the one you sent here, and brought all the food. But why did you hit him?!”
     He said:
     “What are you talking about?”
     So he scratched his own head, thinking what’s going on. Then he went back to take shelter of the Gita, as he would, and there he saw that the word karomi, that he had written in, was crossed out, and the word vahami was written back in again. So he could understand that Krishna personally came, and when he scratched out the word, Krishna got a scratch on his head, it showed up in this way. So this story is told to make a point that Krishna actually personally takes care of his devotees. And we should not try to, as this gentleman did, to philosophize that point away.

2 
We will starve out heaven!

     But the question does arise, as you have asked, what kind of devotee does he do this for? Is it for all devotees? Or only very advanced devotees? I think that the teaching is, that for all devotees, and all devotees should think like this: Krishna will take care of me. Krishna will maintain me. Because actually this is the central hub of the angas, the limbs of śaranagati. And śaranagati, or surrender, submission, it corresponds with śraddha, or faith. Śaranagati is the outward expression of the internal reality of one’s faith. And faith is not the end of bhakti, but it is beginning of bhakti. When Krishna says in the Gita “sarva dharman parityajya, mam ekam śaranam vraja”, he’s talking about the beginning of bhakti. And he instructs: don’t take shelter of any other god or goddess, only me. “Sarva dharman parityajya”, you may take shelter of them only in relation to me. Take shelter of me alone.

     This has to be cultivated. This is the svarup laksan, the primary characteristic of śaranagati. We find it manifested in the Govardhana-lila. In the Govardhana-lila, the inhabitants of Vrindavan were pursuing their maintenance by way of petitioning Indra, and Krishna interfered with the yajna, and established himself as the maintainer, and demonstrated it practically by manifesting himself as Govardhana Hill, and teaching the devotees that Govardhana Hill is providing for devotees, so what do we need Indra for? And just see, I am the Govardhana Hill. And who is Indra in compare to me? He’s a small thing. He’s nothing. In that yajna and in the lila glorifying Govardhana, Krishna said: we will prepare food and feed Govardhana Hill, and then, after Govardhana is satisfied, we will feed everyone else. Everyone, all the bhramans, all the people, all the animals. Everyone, except him! He was pointing. Except this guy, Indra. We will starve out heaven! (Swami laughs) We will make heaven fast. Such is my position.

     As you know, in that lila, Krishna was given the name Govinda. Which means, among other things is Upendra, it’s the same meaning. Who is the lord of Indra. The God of the gods. Krishna established himself as such in this lila, before everybody. “I am the maintainer for my devotees. In Vrindavan I take care of everything for everyone, those who are surrendered to me”

     So this is not the point to be embraced only by advanced devotees, but by the beginning devotees as well. Of course at the same time we say, that advanced devotees don’t have any needs. So Krishna is of the hook (Swami laughs). He doesn't have to provide for them. They don’t have any needs. Of course the advanced devotees, they have the need to have union with Krishna. They are suffering the dark night of soul, and separation, and it is for them, that Krishna comes to the world. Just like there are always souls in this world under the influence of karma, always have been, always will be, so there are always sadhakas in the world also. Anadi sadhaka you can say (Swami laughs). It has some beginning but that one can be traced out (Swami laughs). (...) So he comes for the sadhakas, whose sadhana, whose practice has reached a certain point. That they can not go on without having union with him, as he manifests, and as a side effect he establishes dharma. Therefore it is so important to us to be attached to those devotees. That’s where Krishna’s attention has been drawn.

     So they have that need, and he personally... No one else can possibly provide that necessity for them. No other god or goddess could step in and say “I’ll take his place”. Not even the Paramatma could take his place.

3 
It’s for everybody

     Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur in his “Raga-Vartma-Candrika” poses the question. How will Krishna, who is lost in the love, in Radha’s love, love of inhabitants of Vrindavan, to the extent that he does not even know that he’s God... He thinks “I’m the son of Yaśoda”. He doesn't think “I’m God”. Under the influence of their prem. This is real Krishna. This is the svayam bhagavan, the supreme personality of Godehad. He does not think, he’s the supreme personality of Godhead. So Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur poses the question: how will he hear the prayers of his sadhakas? And then he supplies an answer to test us, to see if we are ready to tread the raga marg. He says “Well, the Paramatma could hear the prayers and then pass them on”. So if we go “Yes, that makes sense, I could deal with that”, then we can understand, well, we are not fully qualified to tread the raga marg. The raga marg respons would be: “I can not tolerate that! My prayers, my complete dependence on Krishna would be answered by the Paramatma? If so, then I have to make Paramatma Krishna! Syamasundaram acintya-guna-svarupam. I have to make him appear in my heart then.” Something like that. They can have no other God before them (Swami laughs). God says in the Bible: “You shouldn’t have any other god before me”. The devotees have this idea: no one except Krishna. Maybe Caitanya Mahaprabhu, yes, but he is Krishna. That is another thing. He is Radha and Krishna combined. (...) So he’s our deity.

     But the idea is that we all depend on Krishna, this is our stand in bhakti, and this is our stand from the day one. Now, from the day one we have other necessities then just the union with Krishna. We are not even suffering from separation. We are suffering from other things. We are suffering from things that get in the way of our resolve to take shelter of Krishna. So, should we employ someone else to remedy our situation? Well, we may. We may to one extend or another, relatively speaking. We may take medicine for example, because we are sick. We don’t say: why don’t you just chant Hare Krishna? But this is not outside of the idea of taking shelter of Krishna. Because the sadhaka will think: “There was a time when I could say: I’m not this body. Now I can say: my body belongs to Krishna. And I belong to Krishna. So I must take care of this body that belongs to Krishna”. It is a sadhaka deha, it’s not a material body anymore. It’s a sadhaka deha, it’s a body in transformation. Body moving away from the influence of the maya śakti, the external energy, into the influence of the internal energy, the svarup śakti.

     So one will think, “I have to take care of that body”. We find that gopis are very concerned with how they look. They are dressing themselves very nicely, and so forth, but only because they want to please Krishna. There is no vanity in that. So we will stand before the mirror and proudly put the tilak, very strongly, mark the body that belongs to Krishna.
     So if other things appear to be useful to us in terms of our identification with the sadhaka deha, for making it more fit, both, the subtle mind and gross senses, then we will employ these things, but in that consciousness we are not taking shelter outside of Krishna. If my sadhaka deha has a headache, and because of that I can not think about Krishna, I can take the aspirin. Something like that.

     So this is the consciousness that we cultivate, as dependent upon Krishna. Goptrtve varanam tatha, Krishna is my maintainer. Even when there is apparent taking shelter of other things, the appropriate disposition and thinking of the sadhaka is such that he’s actually thinking of Krishna. And depending on Krishna. And doing something in the service of Krishna only.
     So we need to conduct ourselves in such a way that this tendency to take shelter of Krishna, depend only on Krishna comes within us. Therefore it is said for example in the second Canto of Śrimad Bhagavatam... Śukadeva Goswami explains to Maharaja Pariksit all types of worship. If you want this, worship this god, if you want that, worship that god, if you want good health, worship the Sun god, and so forth. After going through the whole list, he says:

akamah sarva-kamo va
moksha-kama udara-dhih
tivrena bhakti-yogena
yajeta purusham param
Bhagavatam 2.3.10

     He said: the real siddhanta, that I’m teaching is this: whether you have no desires, or you have all kinds of desires, or you desire liberation, in any case, do bhakti yoga to Krishna. Let the tendency to take shelter of Krishna come within you.

     Sometimes devotees think, that my material situation is such, that if I just had few more things, I’d be in a better position to practice bhakti. Of course we can practice bhakti in any situation, but we may be disturbed in our mind, thinking that if I could just get a partner, I’d be more whole and able to spend my full energy in bhakti. Something like that. But should I pray to Krishna to get a girlfriend? What would Swami think about that? Someone may think, he shouldn’t pray to Krishna to get a girlfriend, but you better pray to Krishna then not (Swami laughs). Because by praying to Krishna you will get more then a girlfriend or boyfriend. You will get the tendency to depend upon Krishna.

     We should think like this: Krishna will take care of me. Even for the things that I don’t need, that I think I need, in the context of bhakti, I should pray to Krishna for those things. So it’s for everybody.
     Of course the extent to which Krishna is in our lives and we are living in that consciousness, then we will actually start to feel and experience that Krishna is taking care of me. So it’s for everybody.

The samskara for risk

   



















     1. The first interview in London. It was only an agency, but I was happy. The girl who signed me up, Jo, was very personal, friendly, informal. From the first sight I liked her. She reminded me Sibila, Croatian head chef in a restaurant in Birmingham I used to work in. Bit rough, bit funny, straightforward, unofficial. Also I could tell she was hangover, which in this case was a good thing, because I can’t stand those stiff, bureaucratic, spotless dolls, who don’t really care for anyone.

     2. Got a contract with Three Mobile for 12 months. I have “contracts phobia”, so this is big step for me.

     3. Managed to listen to Swami’s two lectures on the train. Really good ones. The first one was from the Polish retreat 2012, questions and answers, and I was one of the people who asked question. I asked at what stage Krishna starts to look after his devotees personally. I’m not writing more, because I want to transcribe and run it here, on Little Gaudiya. I find it very relevant at the moment.
     In the second lecture Guru Maharaja said: “We should develop samskara for risk”. He meant that we should never become complacent on our path, and always look for new ways to come closer to Krishna, even if it means taking risks. “No risk, no gain”.

     4. I admit that I wish I could already rent something and get out of this squat. It’s just too bleak, grim, some people here are not completely sane, alcohol addictions, weed, ego trips. It’s not a place for a gentlemen:) But I’m sorry for the guy, who is kind of responsible for this place. Very good heart, he accepts all kind of people here, not charging, not having anything in return. He does it just to help (and to be less lonely I guess). But he has a terrible alcohol problem. He wishes he could stop, but just can’t, so for the whole day he pours inside beer, vine, vodka, at the end of the day being out cold. Sometimes he chants, he’s vegetarian, spiritually minded. He met Swami few years back, he went to Finland for a retreat. It was a big deal for him. He told me yesterday that he wanted to see Swami, but because he wasn't up to the standard, he wasn't let to. But he said, he got a flower, and managed to get past someone who didn't let him to see Guru Maharaja, and offered the flower to him. I don't know how much of this is true, but regardless it shows his samskara for bhakti, for serving and sadhu-sanga. Poor chap. I hope he gets better some time soon.

     5. Another day gone by. I was thinking today, that yes, this is a tough time for me - the last few months, maybe even couple of years, but I don't think I'd be able to try to get closer to Krishna so intently, if I haven't got smashed so hard. I'm not that brave to pray for troubles, as Kunti did, and if I had a choice, I'd say "the easier way, please". But since I have not much saying about it, I just try to appreciate it, see Krishna's hand.

Million Dollar Hotel

 

      1. Evening again. Someone is playing piano in the squat, amazing. And I can hear it’s not a recording, because there are small mistakes. If this were the ruins of an old castle, not a factory I’d start to believe in ghosts. I wonder who is that. I didn’t know that any of our “Million Dollar Hotel” residents has that skill.

     2. I’ve spent the whole day in here. After working out, rounds and breakfast I focused on sending resumes. I target homeless shelters too. Actually this is my dream for the last nine years. When I lived in Dublin in 2004, the idea came to me the first time and I tried, but without social care experience no homeless shelters wanted to employ me. Now I stand a chance I think. Why homeless shelter? I just really like social care. And the homeless people... I can relate on some level. I slept rough many times in my life, in homeless shelter too, and this world is little bit like a homeless shelter:) Lost souls trying to make home in the place that is temporary and strange to us.

     3. After the chores, I played Guru Maharaja’s lecture (the first one of the Polish retreat) and drew two small drawings for the blog.  Swami was asked about relating to two different groups of disciples – the shy ones, introspective, who may not search for the direct contact with him, and the ones who are always in front, doing things, being visible. Guru Maharaja said that he loves all his disciples. However he doesn’t impose himself. When people want to get closer, to know him more personally, to know “what this Swami is all about”, he’s up for it, he finds it attractive, but if someone prefers to stay in the background, he respects that. Still it doesn’t mean he’s not interested in that person. He thinks about him/her, figuring out how to help.

     4. Listening to Lisa Hannigan, really like her. Very sweet, lyrical, joyful (but sad too).

     5. I think that my English is ok, but I’m driven crazy by articles (“the” articles?!). In many cases I know how to use “the” or “a”, or nothing at all, but sometimes it just doesn’t make sense to me and I do it randomly.

     6. Saragrahi is drawing some new stuff. She almost finished the work for Bhrigu, now she will start something (cowherd boys and Krishna, playing football:) for Balaji, and then ten artworks for Roland. Good for her. I’m so happy that people start to appreciate her art.

 

Sunday

   

   






















      I like those lists. I can be as random as I want to be:)

     1. I went to the Sunday feast at Soho temple. There was a fiery bhajan, gurukulis beating the hell out of mrdangas, sweat, shouting, “ecstasy”, but I wasn’t able to feel it. I prefer coziness, small circle of trusted friends, chanting at the feet of Guru Maharaja. So much sweeter, safer, peaceful.
     2. On the train I had this sadness feeling, very strong, piercing. Saragrahi called me, told me about my nephews, one of them, Kuba, 11 years old boy, got some wounds that can’t heal properly for the last month or two, and generally he’s often sad, lost, more then child his age should be. I’m sorry for him and generally for all my relatives and close people. For all the suffering they have to go through, searching for happiness that will always elude them. I think this is one of the main reasons we don’t have kids.
     3. Just had a nice chat with a godsister. We shared some stuff about Swami, quotes from letters, and how he looks after us, how guru bhakti is becoming more important to us then Krishna bhakti, and how we can actually rely on his faith, while our own is still so weak.
     4. Still no job. Had to borrow some more money, because Saragrahi ran out. It is bothering, but I try to see this as Krishna’s mercy. Don’t have much choice anyway. I could see it as bad karma, or just a random misfortune, but it wouldn’t be much fun, I’ve done that before, so I prefer to think that this is Krishna trying to get me closer to him. Anyways something will come up eventually. I’m doing all I can.
     5. Cut my hair this morning. Always feel younger when I do that, even if my gray hair is showing more.
     6. Evening, almost 10PM. I hear someone’s steps in the hall, smell weed from my neighbor’s room, poor chap, Spaniard, so bright, handsome and strong, but spends all day just getting high, and laying in bed, smiling vaguely. Otherwise the factory is silent, peaceful.
     Good night.

Just a list

Evening list:

1. This verse:

icchet punas tadrsam eva bhavam
klistam kathancit tad-abhavatah syat
yesam na bhatiti mate 'pi tesam
gadhopakari smrti-dah priyanam
Brihad Bhagavatamrta

     One may want to feel that separation again, and may indeed feel distressed if one cannot. Thus a person who can remind one of a beloved not present is considered the most sincere and helpful friend.

2. I wrote a letter to Guru Maharaja, and received very inspiring, encouraging reply. It made me think about our relationship, things that make him happy. I feel that two things are important – yes, keeping my introspection, staying always in touch with the things I feel and think (sounds obvious, but it’s often not), but also moving into practical ways to serve Swami.  

3. Ekadasi – the second one in row I’m following. Made panir-tomato subji, offered some to Marta, Lithuanian devotee girl, who follows Ekadasi too, but didn’t manage to cook today.

4. Tried to watch World War Z, but it was so, so bad, that after 30 minutes I just turned it off. I was actually sorry for Brad Pitt.

5. Saragrahi told me on the phone that garden has cropped so well, that she can’t eat everything, she has to give away a lot. Today she gave a big basket of courgettes, pumpkins and scallopini squash to Aga. The thing is that the garden isn’t big, the soil is poor, and our place is in the mountains so the vegetation period is very short. Still there is such a plentiful of vegetables. It is possible to be self-sufficient. And imagine having land somewhere warm and fertile.

6. Feeling more self-confident and peaceful lately. I think it’s because of having some company, I’m just not made to be alone, I need people to be happy. And also focusing on sadhana, prayer. It makes me feel more balanced, fixed and looked after.