O Grace, where art thou

   

   















     Today I exchanged few words with my godsister. The topic was grace coming to us from above. She very nicely presented her sentiment in a poem, I will let myself to share it here, it’s beautiful:

To come across a friend of the soul

is the reassurance

of ten thousand loving arms

wrapping themselves around you.

     It made me realize that I don’t feel it in my life. I dream about it, have longing for it, imagine how it would be, even try to stimulate this sentiment by telling myself how lucky I am, to find Krishna consciousness, Guru Maharaja, etc. But deep inside I feel like a beggar, petitioning God to give me that experience (to no avail). Sometimes I’m challenging him. “I did enough. Now is your turn – prove your love. Why the burden of proving it should be laying only on my side?” I know – we are baddha jivas, the love is not our right, it’s a gift, we need to attract Krishna, anukulyena krsnanu, etc. But this is philosophical knowledge for me. Deep down inside I feel unfairly bereft of God’s grace, I feel like a lonely, lost, orphaned soul thrown into the cold ocean of the Universe.

     I envision loving, personal God, because without this idea the emptiness of the world would be very difficult to bear, if not impossible. I’m attached to Gaudiya Vaisnavism, because it makes very convincing case for this dream of mine (loving, personal God, eternal spiritual home), but I lack the experience. I’m not talking now about experience of my spiritual nature, I know I’m not the matter. I’m talking about the direct experience of God’s grace filling up my heart. To feel “ten thousand loving arms wrapping themselves around me”, as Tadiya put it nicely.

     I wish it came some day. There is something optimistic in all that (don’t think that I’m just being depressed here:). As I get to a certain age, it becomes more clear to me what are my deepest dreams and desires. And because of that I start to know what’s important, and also I have something to look forward. The grace must come at some point. It’s like waiting for Christmas.

Spiritual apathy, creativity and the big news at last!

 

    1. Last week experiencing spiritual apathy. It happens from time to time, and I feel that when it hits, I just have to wait it through, trying not to get too neurotic about it. It’s like Krishna, chanting and all, loses its charm, it feels empty, dry and pretty indifferent. Especially when the outside situation is bit stressful, then sadhana feels like an extra burden. It should feel like a shelter, but it hardly does. So anyhow I haven’t chanted for few days. Today, when the clouds of ennui dispersed a little, I managed my rounds and gayatri.

     2. On Wednesday I recorded a song. It’s just that when I’m really down, feeling that my self-esteem, sense of worth is almost non-existing, I try to do something creative. Sometimes it’s a drawing, maybe a poem, but at times I write and record songs. I like this medium very much. Making music and lyrics feels very tangible, solid, and often it has much more impact on others then for example a drawing. I guess it helps me to burst up the image of myself that I’m holding and which frankly speaking burdens me a lot. In therapy I discovered that it all comes from my unhappy childhood and lack of appreciation from my authority figure, but to be honest to be aware of that doesn’t really make a difference. I need to solve (accept) it now. The past is gone. The song is very lighthearted and playful -  it’s about love, dreams, my girl and about refusing to participate in the madness of this world.

     3. And the big news. Tomorrow is my first day in new job! My agency is sending me to a learning difficulties college, as a teaching assistant. It’s not too far from my place, maybe forty five minutes on the bus, the money isn’t too bad, the hours are cool – finishing at 4PM, which is perfect. If school authorities like me, they will take me for the whole year. So let’s hope they do. Having this job means that in a few weeks I’d be able to rent a room in a shared house (can’t expect to get a flat right now, it’s crazy expensive in London) and bring Saragrahi here, so in turn she will look for job. Hope it works out.

     4. Going to the city in a while, to the Sunday feast at Soho.

Sunday feast, rats, bitterness and stuff

     1. I’ve just came from the Soho temple. I went to the Sunday feast, to have darshan of the deities, spend some time with Vaisnavas. I stayed for the class. I was bit sorry to listen to it. Very watered down, tasteless, more of some cultural or moral Sunday school kind of a sermon, not Gaudiya Vaisnava philosophy. I understand it’s a Sunday class, so it’s suppose to be general, but I don’t talk about elevated rasika topics or anything like that. The basic talk can be deep too. I think it’s a general problem of Iskcon. There are not many good lecturers, who’d know GV siddhanta and know how to present it in an interesting, charming way. It’s pity. The older devotees should go deep into different sastras and travel to different temples and do seminars. To take for example Jaiva Dharma. This book alone could give material for years of seminars. Then Brhad Bhagavatamrta for example. Or studying Bhagavatam commentary by Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur. I feel little bit hypocritical, because I don’t do lectures myself, but I try to study, to get deeper into it and I feel that because of listening to Swami and reading his and Sridhara Maharaja’s books alone I can stand ground in GV theology quite well. The good side of today experience in Soho is that it got me inspired to study more carefully. I don’t want my presentation of Krishna consciousness be ever like that.

     2. Sometimes when I look through the window I see rats looking at me with curiosity. I wander if they do that now, in the evening, when I can’t see them. In any case I don’t leave windows open when I go out. I don’t want to have visitors. Some time in the future, when I get sorted out, with career, money, apartment, Saragrahi coming here, maybe with some extra education, I’ll be laughing at those beginnings, but right now sometimes I go through the moments of despair lightened fortunately by bits of black humor.

     3. Yesterday I applied to another homeless shelter, for the support worker position. So it’s three now. The closing dates are somewhere in September, so only then I will know if I’ll have got shortlisted for the interview in any of them. My dream at the moment – to get this job, preferably in the shelter offering 21K a year (one of these three does), and then get to some University and do social work degree. In three years I can have bachelor. But this is a dream. Right now I have more burning issues. Not to get my underwear eaten by rats or to have fruitful dumpster diving eve:)

     4. This morning I had pretty good rounds. Usually I just force myself to chant, and often it’s dry, tasteless. But this morning I felt relaxed, “full” in some sense, I mean my emotions were serenity, peace, and feeling that Krishna is close. It’s so rare that I really tried to relish it, to remember it, to keep me going later, when things are “back to normal”.

     5. I feel bitter tonight. Impatient, bit angry (at the fate), anxious, lonely. I guess it can be seen here. I was considering not to write anything, but I want to be in touch (with myself and the readers, if any).

Janmasthami and after - a list

   

     1. Yesterday was Janmasthami. The day before I was planning to make this day special. To go to Soho temple, then to Sri Caitanya Saraswata Math, fast, chant extra rounds, focus on Krishna. But you know this feeling, when you get too enthusiastic, too “spiritual” and then you just can’t sustain it, and you drop hard? So that’s what happened. I went to Soho temple, but after few minutes I left. There were too many people, too much arranging, managing, organizing. So I just wandered aimlessly around London, glancing at girls. Ate falafel and noodles from a Chinese vendor that made me feel sick (noodles, not the vendor:). Then went home. Took me long time to fall asleep. And I kept thinking: “Krishna, do something. Get me sorted out. I’m so fed up.”

     2. This morning was pretty much the continuation of the yesterday blueness. I went to Sainsbury’s to get something sweet (bought Jaffa-cakes and mints). I got a scratch card too. I told Krishna, that £5000 would get me on my feet, and £10 000 would put me way ahead of the game. I enjoyed the faint dream only for a short while, didn’t win anything, so back to my debt-laden, impoverished, unemployed existence;)

     3. Eventually I focused on finishing the “Swami – a graphic poem” project. It took me a while. I listened to three of Swami’s talks to it. So it was then, when the lighting changed. The burdened feeling transformed into something light and nice. When I finished, I shared it with my godbrothers and godsisters. Their positive, welcoming reaction was very uplifting. I need to feel part of my family. It makes me happy and serene.

     4. Recently I’m experiencing pride of being a Gaudiya Vaisnava, or Guru Maharaja’s disciple. I mean pride in a good sense. The one that makes you grateful, I think.

     5. Tonight Jorge made a veggie stew and invited everyone. He’s a nice guy, Spaniard. Very sociable, wants to introduce to the squat the feeling of community, friendship. I like this kind of people. It was nice. We sat in the living room, ate the food (too spicy! my stomach is hurting:), and talked in Spanish. It reminded me old days, when I travelled around Europe, lived in weird places, meet all kind of people... Basically the same as now, but with the difference, that I enjoyed it then. I don’t like getting older. Just yesterday I looked at my grey hair and thought how fast it goes. And it got to me – it’s been three months away from Saragrahi, and I felt that it was stupid to be away, when our lives get shorter so fast. We should be together, live through it shoulder to shoulder.

     6. Listening to Chambao, “Pasta pa la costa”. Like that girl:)

     7. And another night has arrived. Night, night.

Swami - a graphic poem

Swami

One devotee asked another: „Could you, prabhu, tell me this:
Is your guru a pure Vaisnava, purely merged in Krishna’s bliss?”

“Does his voice choke when he’s chanting, does his hair stand on end?
Maybe if there’s no one around, does he cry, by prema rent?”

“In the night, when the world is sleeping, can he travel through space?
Like Narada Muni himself, can he fly to Krishna’s place?”

“There, on Vraja’s grazing lands, where the sakhya story strands,
Is he playing ball with Krishna? Is he laughing with his friends?”

“Or maybe even after dusk, she sneaks out through the open window,
And then in a grove by the riverside, she talks with gopi so and so?”

The queries ceased, the silence fell, they looked each other straight in the eye.
“So what you say? Please, don’t be shy. Is he a chrysalis or a butterfly?"

“I’m not silent, because I’m shy. Don’t take my wrong, I’m a stand-up guy.
I’ll answer straight – I just don’t know, but nevertheless, my best I’ll try.”

“Every time I meet my master, he speaks of Krishna, nothing else.
Is this a sign of siddha? Maybe. For me indeed, a lot it tells.”

“When I’m plunged into the darkness, which sometimes happens, I must say,
He’s there, to throw the life preserver, and  haul me back, to Krishna’s bay.”

“When I look at him and see, how much for Krishna does he live,
I see my prospects and like him I very much would like to be.”

“Then I look at sisters, brothers, the comrades on this superb path,
I see them shining, shining bright, with love and wisdom, what a sight!”

“So when you ask, how big is he, I cannot tell you, forgive me.
But I can give for sure this touch – if I only loved Krishna half that much...”

"I Carry What They Lack"

Swami BV Tripurari
23.07.2012, Czarnów, Poland

1 
The scratch on Krishna's head

     The question is, does Krishna maintain only his advanced devotees, and everybody else has to take care for themselves? (Swami laughs) There is a famous story surrounding the verse I cited from a ninth chapter.

Ananyas chintayanto mam ye janah paryupasate, 
tesham nityabhiyuktanam yoga-kshemam vahamy aham 
(Bg. 9.22)

     The story goes like this. Some of you may know it. There was a devotee, who was very much the devotee of Gita, who studied the Gita regularly, and meditated on every word, its meaning and so forth, as it’s recommended in the conclusion of the Gita, where Krishna says: “Those who study it with their intelligence”. And the benefits of such, fruits of such.

     Contemplating this verse, “yoga-kshemam vahamy aham”, which says “I carry what they lack and preserve what they have”, he thought, this must be wrong. This must be interpolation, where some word has been changed. Because the idea that Krishna will carry (vahamy) what the devotees need, can’t be, because he’s the supreme God. So he thought, that he [Krishna] will get it done. He changed it to karomi. Somehow through his agency, his energy, through his power, his expansion, something like that. So he scratched out the word vahamy and wrote karomi. Then he went out, as he would daily, to the market place, to beg for fruits, vegetables, rice, and so forth. He was a brahman, and he was very, very poor. He went, and he was not having much success.

     After some time, while he was still in the market, a young boy came to his home, with the bushel full of fruits, and grains, and vegetables, and so forth. The wife opened the door and said:
     “Who are you?”
     “Your husband sent me here with all these items for you to prepare lunch”.
     She was very charmed. She invited him in and took the foodstuffs. And then she noticed that he had a little scratch on his head.
     “Oh, you are so beautiful, how did that happen?”
     “Your husband did that, he hit me”.
     “How could he do that?!”.
     Then the boy left, she cooked, and the husband came home.
     “What are you cooking? Where did you get the food?”
     “The nice boy came, the one you sent here, and brought all the food. But why did you hit him?!”
     He said:
     “What are you talking about?”
     So he scratched his own head, thinking what’s going on. Then he went back to take shelter of the Gita, as he would, and there he saw that the word karomi, that he had written in, was crossed out, and the word vahami was written back in again. So he could understand that Krishna personally came, and when he scratched out the word, Krishna got a scratch on his head, it showed up in this way. So this story is told to make a point that Krishna actually personally takes care of his devotees. And we should not try to, as this gentleman did, to philosophize that point away.

2 
We will starve out heaven!

     But the question does arise, as you have asked, what kind of devotee does he do this for? Is it for all devotees? Or only very advanced devotees? I think that the teaching is, that for all devotees, and all devotees should think like this: Krishna will take care of me. Krishna will maintain me. Because actually this is the central hub of the angas, the limbs of śaranagati. And śaranagati, or surrender, submission, it corresponds with śraddha, or faith. Śaranagati is the outward expression of the internal reality of one’s faith. And faith is not the end of bhakti, but it is beginning of bhakti. When Krishna says in the Gita “sarva dharman parityajya, mam ekam śaranam vraja”, he’s talking about the beginning of bhakti. And he instructs: don’t take shelter of any other god or goddess, only me. “Sarva dharman parityajya”, you may take shelter of them only in relation to me. Take shelter of me alone.

     This has to be cultivated. This is the svarup laksan, the primary characteristic of śaranagati. We find it manifested in the Govardhana-lila. In the Govardhana-lila, the inhabitants of Vrindavan were pursuing their maintenance by way of petitioning Indra, and Krishna interfered with the yajna, and established himself as the maintainer, and demonstrated it practically by manifesting himself as Govardhana Hill, and teaching the devotees that Govardhana Hill is providing for devotees, so what do we need Indra for? And just see, I am the Govardhana Hill. And who is Indra in compare to me? He’s a small thing. He’s nothing. In that yajna and in the lila glorifying Govardhana, Krishna said: we will prepare food and feed Govardhana Hill, and then, after Govardhana is satisfied, we will feed everyone else. Everyone, all the bhramans, all the people, all the animals. Everyone, except him! He was pointing. Except this guy, Indra. We will starve out heaven! (Swami laughs) We will make heaven fast. Such is my position.

     As you know, in that lila, Krishna was given the name Govinda. Which means, among other things is Upendra, it’s the same meaning. Who is the lord of Indra. The God of the gods. Krishna established himself as such in this lila, before everybody. “I am the maintainer for my devotees. In Vrindavan I take care of everything for everyone, those who are surrendered to me”

     So this is not the point to be embraced only by advanced devotees, but by the beginning devotees as well. Of course at the same time we say, that advanced devotees don’t have any needs. So Krishna is of the hook (Swami laughs). He doesn't have to provide for them. They don’t have any needs. Of course the advanced devotees, they have the need to have union with Krishna. They are suffering the dark night of soul, and separation, and it is for them, that Krishna comes to the world. Just like there are always souls in this world under the influence of karma, always have been, always will be, so there are always sadhakas in the world also. Anadi sadhaka you can say (Swami laughs). It has some beginning but that one can be traced out (Swami laughs). (...) So he comes for the sadhakas, whose sadhana, whose practice has reached a certain point. That they can not go on without having union with him, as he manifests, and as a side effect he establishes dharma. Therefore it is so important to us to be attached to those devotees. That’s where Krishna’s attention has been drawn.

     So they have that need, and he personally... No one else can possibly provide that necessity for them. No other god or goddess could step in and say “I’ll take his place”. Not even the Paramatma could take his place.

3 
It’s for everybody

     Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur in his “Raga-Vartma-Candrika” poses the question. How will Krishna, who is lost in the love, in Radha’s love, love of inhabitants of Vrindavan, to the extent that he does not even know that he’s God... He thinks “I’m the son of Yaśoda”. He doesn't think “I’m God”. Under the influence of their prem. This is real Krishna. This is the svayam bhagavan, the supreme personality of Godehad. He does not think, he’s the supreme personality of Godhead. So Viśvanatha Cakravarti Thakur poses the question: how will he hear the prayers of his sadhakas? And then he supplies an answer to test us, to see if we are ready to tread the raga marg. He says “Well, the Paramatma could hear the prayers and then pass them on”. So if we go “Yes, that makes sense, I could deal with that”, then we can understand, well, we are not fully qualified to tread the raga marg. The raga marg respons would be: “I can not tolerate that! My prayers, my complete dependence on Krishna would be answered by the Paramatma? If so, then I have to make Paramatma Krishna! Syamasundaram acintya-guna-svarupam. I have to make him appear in my heart then.” Something like that. They can have no other God before them (Swami laughs). God says in the Bible: “You shouldn’t have any other god before me”. The devotees have this idea: no one except Krishna. Maybe Caitanya Mahaprabhu, yes, but he is Krishna. That is another thing. He is Radha and Krishna combined. (...) So he’s our deity.

     But the idea is that we all depend on Krishna, this is our stand in bhakti, and this is our stand from the day one. Now, from the day one we have other necessities then just the union with Krishna. We are not even suffering from separation. We are suffering from other things. We are suffering from things that get in the way of our resolve to take shelter of Krishna. So, should we employ someone else to remedy our situation? Well, we may. We may to one extend or another, relatively speaking. We may take medicine for example, because we are sick. We don’t say: why don’t you just chant Hare Krishna? But this is not outside of the idea of taking shelter of Krishna. Because the sadhaka will think: “There was a time when I could say: I’m not this body. Now I can say: my body belongs to Krishna. And I belong to Krishna. So I must take care of this body that belongs to Krishna”. It is a sadhaka deha, it’s not a material body anymore. It’s a sadhaka deha, it’s a body in transformation. Body moving away from the influence of the maya śakti, the external energy, into the influence of the internal energy, the svarup śakti.

     So one will think, “I have to take care of that body”. We find that gopis are very concerned with how they look. They are dressing themselves very nicely, and so forth, but only because they want to please Krishna. There is no vanity in that. So we will stand before the mirror and proudly put the tilak, very strongly, mark the body that belongs to Krishna.
     So if other things appear to be useful to us in terms of our identification with the sadhaka deha, for making it more fit, both, the subtle mind and gross senses, then we will employ these things, but in that consciousness we are not taking shelter outside of Krishna. If my sadhaka deha has a headache, and because of that I can not think about Krishna, I can take the aspirin. Something like that.

     So this is the consciousness that we cultivate, as dependent upon Krishna. Goptrtve varanam tatha, Krishna is my maintainer. Even when there is apparent taking shelter of other things, the appropriate disposition and thinking of the sadhaka is such that he’s actually thinking of Krishna. And depending on Krishna. And doing something in the service of Krishna only.
     So we need to conduct ourselves in such a way that this tendency to take shelter of Krishna, depend only on Krishna comes within us. Therefore it is said for example in the second Canto of Śrimad Bhagavatam... Śukadeva Goswami explains to Maharaja Pariksit all types of worship. If you want this, worship this god, if you want that, worship that god, if you want good health, worship the Sun god, and so forth. After going through the whole list, he says:

akamah sarva-kamo va
moksha-kama udara-dhih
tivrena bhakti-yogena
yajeta purusham param
Bhagavatam 2.3.10

     He said: the real siddhanta, that I’m teaching is this: whether you have no desires, or you have all kinds of desires, or you desire liberation, in any case, do bhakti yoga to Krishna. Let the tendency to take shelter of Krishna come within you.

     Sometimes devotees think, that my material situation is such, that if I just had few more things, I’d be in a better position to practice bhakti. Of course we can practice bhakti in any situation, but we may be disturbed in our mind, thinking that if I could just get a partner, I’d be more whole and able to spend my full energy in bhakti. Something like that. But should I pray to Krishna to get a girlfriend? What would Swami think about that? Someone may think, he shouldn’t pray to Krishna to get a girlfriend, but you better pray to Krishna then not (Swami laughs). Because by praying to Krishna you will get more then a girlfriend or boyfriend. You will get the tendency to depend upon Krishna.

     We should think like this: Krishna will take care of me. Even for the things that I don’t need, that I think I need, in the context of bhakti, I should pray to Krishna for those things. So it’s for everybody.
     Of course the extent to which Krishna is in our lives and we are living in that consciousness, then we will actually start to feel and experience that Krishna is taking care of me. So it’s for everybody.

The samskara for risk

   



















     1. The first interview in London. It was only an agency, but I was happy. The girl who signed me up, Jo, was very personal, friendly, informal. From the first sight I liked her. She reminded me Sibila, Croatian head chef in a restaurant in Birmingham I used to work in. Bit rough, bit funny, straightforward, unofficial. Also I could tell she was hangover, which in this case was a good thing, because I can’t stand those stiff, bureaucratic, spotless dolls, who don’t really care for anyone.

     2. Got a contract with Three Mobile for 12 months. I have “contracts phobia”, so this is big step for me.

     3. Managed to listen to Swami’s two lectures on the train. Really good ones. The first one was from the Polish retreat 2012, questions and answers, and I was one of the people who asked question. I asked at what stage Krishna starts to look after his devotees personally. I’m not writing more, because I want to transcribe and run it here, on Little Gaudiya. I find it very relevant at the moment.
     In the second lecture Guru Maharaja said: “We should develop samskara for risk”. He meant that we should never become complacent on our path, and always look for new ways to come closer to Krishna, even if it means taking risks. “No risk, no gain”.

     4. I admit that I wish I could already rent something and get out of this squat. It’s just too bleak, grim, some people here are not completely sane, alcohol addictions, weed, ego trips. It’s not a place for a gentlemen:) But I’m sorry for the guy, who is kind of responsible for this place. Very good heart, he accepts all kind of people here, not charging, not having anything in return. He does it just to help (and to be less lonely I guess). But he has a terrible alcohol problem. He wishes he could stop, but just can’t, so for the whole day he pours inside beer, vine, vodka, at the end of the day being out cold. Sometimes he chants, he’s vegetarian, spiritually minded. He met Swami few years back, he went to Finland for a retreat. It was a big deal for him. He told me yesterday that he wanted to see Swami, but because he wasn't up to the standard, he wasn't let to. But he said, he got a flower, and managed to get past someone who didn't let him to see Guru Maharaja, and offered the flower to him. I don't know how much of this is true, but regardless it shows his samskara for bhakti, for serving and sadhu-sanga. Poor chap. I hope he gets better some time soon.

     5. Another day gone by. I was thinking today, that yes, this is a tough time for me - the last few months, maybe even couple of years, but I don't think I'd be able to try to get closer to Krishna so intently, if I haven't got smashed so hard. I'm not that brave to pray for troubles, as Kunti did, and if I had a choice, I'd say "the easier way, please". But since I have not much saying about it, I just try to appreciate it, see Krishna's hand.